Upcoming Problem At Work

[carinara]

hello everybody,

i would really apreciate your input on this one.

I work in an office for 28 hours a week. Iam really blessed because my sister works in the same company.

I feel terrible in the mornings, thats why i get up at 5.30 and slowly get ready and waking my daughter up all sitting down on an office chair with rolls on hoping that i will be more stable when my sister picks me up at 7.45. I only have to walk a short distance plus i use the elevator but by the time i sit on my chair in the office, i feel bad and it takes a while before i can concentrate and start my work.

My boss and my co workers dont know much about my condition and iam a specialst in hiding it. In 2007 i missed work due to POTS for 5 months. Thats when i also got diagnosed and when i returned to work, i tried to explain to my boss (iam his secretary) what is wrong with me.

There are so many occasions at work where i feel awfull and they happen every single day. Iam very lucky, because i sit on my own. That allows me to sometimes just sit there trying to get my symptoms under controll. And whenever i get really bad i can call my sister and she helps me with whatever there is to do. I know she is just a few offices away and that really makes me feel secure a lot.

Back in November my POTS got worse again and i had a few bad POTS attacks at work. I called my sister and she came down picked up my work, locked it away and sat with me in a dark room where i hided so nobody would see me like this. She also drove me home on a few occasions before. She covers for me if needed.

So whenever i start feeling really bad at work, i know that she is there in case i need her and thats a great help for me mentally. Up until last September i was ok whenever she was on holiday or had a few days off, but since i got worse again a few months ago, i feel more insecure again.

I just found out, that she will have a few days off soon and this makes me very nervous. I thought about taking the same days off so i dont have to be at work without her but i realize that this is not a good solution because i let my fear and nervousness win then.

The problem is, that my body reacts very very strong to any kind of stress and nervousness and i just know, that i will feel very stressed when i go to work knowing that i have no insider around to help me if needed. I catch myself worrieng and creating nightmares about this and then i remind myself that i can do it, but the next bad thought is just around the next corner again.

I dont really know how to go about it. There isnt really somebody at work i can talk to about this and i sit in a place were many people and guests walk by if they want to go see the boss.

What do i do if i start to feel really really sick? Sometimes when my boss asks me to get something for him and i cant get up, my sister will help me and nobody finds out that she got it. What do i do when she is not there? When i start feeling really really sick, all i want to do is get out and home as quick as possible there wouldnt be time to lock the things away or explain to somebody that i dont feel well and so on.

My mom who lives only a few miles away would pick me up any time. I know that. But i also know, that the 15 minutes that would take her to come to pick me up are soooo very long. Where would i lay down? What if somebody sees me an calles an ambulance? I dont want my coworkers or my boss to see me shaking crying and panicking. Any ideas???? I wish i could stay calm in them sort of situations because the extra stress just makes my system go extra hire wire. Iam usually a very calm person and i hate it that i kind of panick about this situation. I try my best to stay positive but i dont know if its workin.

Thanks a lot

carinara

[futurehope]

Personally, having worked in an office hiding my POTS problems as you do, I would be under too much stress worrying about potential problems, as you are currently. The reality is, your sister is usually there to do what's necessary. I would take vacation at the same time and leave it at that. You are fortunate to be able to work and to have your sister as a backup. I would not jeopardize that with unnecessary risks, like you needing help, and the company then learning how your illness is really affecting your ability to function.

Take off. That's my advice.

[flop]

I think it would be hard for you to be at work without your sister unless you can tell someone else about your health problems. If you want to keep the extent of your problems hidden then it is probably best to take vacation at the same time as your sister. Otherwise I would advise that you confide in a co-worker (maybe your sister would help you explain to them?) so that they could be your inside-helper if you were too sick to manage alone.

Hope you find the right solution,

Flop

[carinara]

Thank you very much for your replies. The thing is that i dont really like to be so dependend on people especially my sister at work because that means that whenever she is sick for a day or in a meeting or if she needs to leave work earliler, i will start getting nervous and thats not good. Before i was diagnosed with POTS i was very sick as well and because doctors kept telling me that there is nothing wrong with me and that i am just anxious and panicky i went to a therapist. He told me that i should seek situations that make me feel nervous just to overcome my fears. Well, i always knew that there was something major wrong with me, but i still stuck to the advice my therapist gave me and made it somehow. I managed a lot of situations prior to my diagnosis just because nobody believed me an therefore i got insecure and pushed myself to my limits all the time. Now i know whats wrong with me and i know what to expect and right after my diagnosis i was so reliefed and happy and i was more easy going because i knew this is not going to kill me. But now somethow i feel insecure again. I feel as if i need to manage my days at work on my own if necessary, otherwise i freak out everytime my sister cant go to work. Sorry if this sounds confusing.

[erikainorlando]

There is no shame in needing help. I know you probably don't want to disclose too much but I think that you probably are able to do most of your job. You sound hard working and responsible. Employers like that. I would think that if y ou were having a very bad eposide you might need to tell your boss that you were feeling ill and need to lay down for a few minutes.

There is no employee that is 100% all the time. If you can do most of your job, then I would try to disclose to someone that at times you get spells and don't feel that well but they pass. If you really can't do your job...any job...I would consider disability because you are truley disabled if you can't work!!

Somehow it sounds like you are ashamed of your illness. I have found that if I am honest people respect that and for the most part work with me. I don't work because I can't function for more than 6 hours a day and I would be fired given my limitations. BUT if I could work and just needed some minor accomadations I would ask for help.

Good luck. You sound like a great worker and probably are harder on yourself than anyone else.

Erika

[futurehope]

Reality check:

You do need help. You said so yourself.

You are keeping your problems quiet so as not to jeopardize your job, and you are able to do this because of your sister.

Your sister will be gone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is not about "pushing yourself through fear", as you say. This is about reality. You have ongoing medical issues that change from day to day. I call that reality, not "fear of not being able to do it".

What are your options?

You, yourself, know yourself best. I do not know your everyday health situation, or how easy/difficult it could be to lose your job. You choose what is best for you.

I know I told you before, on this thread, to take vacation at the same time as your sister. I'm changing my advice, and now say......You know yourself best. Choose what is in your best interest.

[pat57]

" But now somethow i feel insecure again. I feel as if i need to manage my days at work on my own if necessary"

I think its a good idea for you to work on your own, but test that when your sister is in. Then you can feel secure and reinforce your thoughts of independence. The reason you feel insecure right now is that your backuip won't be there. If you want feel to secure when she is not there it would require changing your standards from ( for example) If I need anything sis is here, to (for example) I'll lay down if I need too and I'll ask someone else to deliever papers, if I need too. A sense of humor can be a big help.

Because I don't know if you could lose your job, etc I can only make poorly informed comments.

However you are insecure and so you feel insecure, its necessary to redefine what is ok. The base line for taking a secure thought is, I am not going to collaspe mentally nor die. Hense the saying "its not going to kill you".

Also you are currently bearing future issues, that never helps. Planing is good ,but anticipate a good outcome, anything elese will be a burden, good luck. Just for clarity , I am not saying go to work and

expect everything to be fine. You have the power to decide, plan and act as you deem best. If you plan to stay home, anticipate a good result for that.

good luck

[carinara]

thank you all for your replies. I think you are all right when you say, that i should confide in a co worker if necessary.

In 2004 and 2007 i was off sick for 4 months each. Back then i didnt have a diagnosis yet and i was in an out of hospitals trying to find out what was wrong with me. When i finally got diagnosed in 2007 and returned back to work after another 4 months off sick, i did have a talk with my boss and explained to him that i might need to lay down from time to time. He told me back then, that he doesnt want to loose me as his secretary and that he didnt have a problem with me laying down if its necessary. So i guess he wouldnt have a problem with this now either (3 years later).

Ever since back then, he also gets up to get his own coffee 90 percent of the time instead of asking me to get it for him, so i guess this is also a sign that he still remembers that there is something wrong with me.

I had a talk with my sister yesterday about this subject, she reminded me, that there is always the possibility for me to ask our apprentices to get things if i cant get them and she is right.

I watched myself at work today and found out that iam doing quiet well on my own most of the time and I dont need my sisters help every single day. Its just sometimes when i feel really bad its so reassuring to know that she is just a few seconds away in case i need her help. Today for example she had to go into a meeting, and my first thought was, what if i start feeling bad now? Who could i ask for help? I could feel my body reacting to this thought and realised that its my thinking that caused my ANS to react.

I practise every day to try to live in the present moment and dont project fearfull thoughts into the future. But sometimes it just doesnt work all the time yet.

When i know my sister is at work i feel much much more relaxed and if i know she is not there, i feel tense and stressed and this tenseness and stressfullness sets my body off. I know that our ANS reacts much more sensitive then the ANS of healthy people. But i also know that normal people who get panick attacks feel kind of the same way and there ANS reacts out of order as well. So what i want to say is, that i dont like the thought that just knowing that my sister wont be there makes me more stressed inside and my ANS more allert and that because of this reason i wouldnt go into work. BEcause then my thoughts are responsible for my POTS to act up because of my fear of being allone at work. If i can manage most situation at work on my own i figure i should be able to manage them as well even if my sister is not there. Hope that makes sense.

And so what if people see me when iam at my worst, there are just human beings as well and knowing that its ok for them to see me like this takes a heavy weight of my shoulders. I just have to keep telling myself that this is not going to kill me.

Thanks a lot

carinara

[carinara]

i just wanted to let you know, that over the past 2 weeks i tried to find some options at work for me to feel more secure in case my symptoms get bad and my sister can't back me up.

A few weeks ago a new coworker started to work in the office right next to mine and it so happened that her son goes to school with my daughter and that i was the only person she knew in the company.

I noticed that she often talks about her private life and confides in me a lot. She also tells me about her medical problems from time to time. On a few occasions she asked me stuff like, if i would like to go for a walk with her or to the carneval (a big thing over here) and then i briefly explained to her why i cant come with her.

Ever since then i notice her asking me questions concerning my health situation from time to time. Last week for example when i had to get something for some customers and it happened that she was standing next to me, she offered me to get what was needed and also told me that i could call her if i need help.

I asked her if it would be ok for me in case i feel really sick to come into her office and sit down for a while until i feel better and she didnt have a problem with it. Its really a good thing, because in my office there are always people coming and going in order to see the boss and her office is much much quieter than mine.

I knew that my sister would have today off because she planned it for quiet some time now and thats why a while back i also put a holiday in for the same day, just in case. This whole week i was wondering if i should take the chance and go in to work anyway even though my sister wouldnt be there , just to prove to myself that i can do it ( i did it so many times before but since i started to feel worse again last november iam more insecure again).

I kept going thru my mind what i should do, should i go or should i stay at home? Really i would love to stay at home because getting up and ready for work + work is hard for me every single day and my symptoms are limitting me every day. + 2 days ago i had a very bad episode at work again were my body just set off on a bad surge and it just happened that my sister was there accidentally and covered me. When this surge hit me i watched my thoughts and all i wanted to do is get out, run away, go home, cry and so on and after 15 minutes the worsed part was over and i felt better again.

So up until last night i still didnt know if i should go or just take the chance to relax an extray day at home wich i would love but at the same time i felt sad because it would feel as if i would the projected fears of how i would feel at work, win and i dont want to be a victim of fears.

Last evening me and my partner also had to go to a parent night at school (the first time i went out during the week within months) and by the time it was finished and i was in bed it was after 11 o'clock. I normally go to bed at 9 and my alarm clock goes off at 5.30 in during working days.

I knew that the less amount of sleep would probably cause me more problems today and so this morning when the alarm clock woke me up, i just spontaneously decided to stay at home and take my holiday as i have planned a few weeks ago.

On one side i feel relieved because i have an extra day to relax before monday is here again but on the other side i feel like i have failed and that i act like a little child always planning and watching out that somebody is there to babysitt me just in case i get drapped in one of them bad episodes that make me feel helpless, not able to get up and trying to still look professional in whatever i do.

I know that its ok to depend on people with this illness but i just don't want to depend more then i have to , iam a little scared that i would miss the point where i just ask for help if its really necessary. I would love to get to that point were i can feel and show how i feel wherever i am regardless if somebody i know is with me or not.

Now i sit here at home and still wonder if i should have gone to work and my sisters next day off is coming soon........

Sorry, i hope iam not too complicated.

carinara

[StacyRN]

Carinara,

You sound like you are going to drive yourself crazy! I know what that feels like, when I was working I was always stressed out about "should I call in sick?

should I just tough it out? what do I do? and then when I would call in sick I would drive myself crazy with "maybe I should have gone in to work!"

I could just never relax with any decision, because I was so worried all the time! That sounds like you, too.

I finally had to lose my job as a nurse because I couldn't do the 12 hour shifts anymore, so I'm on disability now. And that could be an option for you.

However, it really sounds like your boss likes you, and he said he didn't want to lose you! The law states that if you have a medical condition your work is required to make reasonable accomodations for you. That's by law. But it sounds like if you talked to your boss, he sounds like he might not have any problem working with you so you can do your job with less stress, because the stress seems to be making you way worse! Can you get a medical note stating your diagnosis and take it to your boss, tell him you love your job and want to continue working for him, but need a few accomodations for the times you feel awful? You might have more good days if you got rid of the stress by being open with your boss...

just a suggestion, because I'd hate for you to lose your job because of anything I said! But you know your boss better than anyone, and only you can decide what's best to do. I just think you're driving yourself crazy, and I hate to see you continue in that state! It sounds like the stress is making your POTS so much worse...

Let us know how you are doing, ok?

Stacy