I Have No Hope

[Rene S.]

This year has been a rough one for me. I've been sick for almost a decade now, and while I've had my ups and downs I've never really gotten better. Then in June I caught my husband cheating on me, and rather than work things out he decided to leave and file for divorce. When he left I lost a lover, my best friend, a caretaker, all my money, my insurance, and my house. (I even lost my reason for living, since I had been able to get by knowing that at least I was helping him find happiness). I had to move back in with my parents, who live out in the middle of nowhere. I feel alone and very scared.

I know, logically, that I can get past this. I know people have been through a lot worse than me and come out alright. But it's getting harder and harder to even want to try. At first I was optimistic, and made plans for schooling, for finding a job, for getting a social life. I made a strong commitment to exercise, and learned how to enjoy being away from all the negative aspects of my husband (how he always quit when things got hard, judged others, avoided dealing with anything, chose popularity over morality). But then I get sick and realize how far fetched all my plans really are. And I get angry at my ex all over again for not being willing to even try--for once again taking away my choices, and scared that the life I live now is the only life I will ever know. No kids, no job, no life.

I know I need to accept things as they are, but I just don't know how. All I want to do is play the 'could have been' game over and over again in my head. I've tried therapy, I've tried anti-depressants, I even re-tried religion, but nothing has worked. I have to have some sort of meaning in my life to be able to keep trying and right now I don't. Without something to focus on, all I want to do is sleep and cry and think about killing myself (I won't, but that doesn't keep the thoughts from coming anyway).

What am I doing wrong that I can't handle this? I feel so desperate right now.

Oh KeXia,

My heart goes out to you. I feel horrible for what has happened to you. I'm so sorry to say that I can totally relate. My husband left me as well, after nearly 25 years of marriage. At the worst possible stage of my life. Dealing with this illness, Fibro/cfs and having my girls leave the nest. It's been horrible but I'm so glad you have your parents by your side.

I know it's not easy to start anew. For me, it also meant leaving my home that I loved to move into a townhouse that I hate. No friends nearby and neighbors that don't even acknowledge my existance.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for all of us

You will get through this, that's what I tell myself. Be kind to yourself. Please, please, email if you'd like. I'd love to have someone who knows first hand of this experience.

We all here rooting for you on the boards.

Life is just so unfair sometimes. My ex is already remarried and never once calls or emails me to see how I am. That hurts. I pray that things get easier for you.

ruekat@comcast.net

Big hugs,

Rene

[mvdula]

KeXia!!! We are all here for you. Your reaction is normal - I can't imagine your suffering. I do understand how POTS makes it harder to deal with the normal stressors in life - you know, when you think, well I'm not happy about this situation and get all motivated to do something about it - then realize you're sick - you can't do as much as you'd like - and have to depend on others. That part is very very hard. I think I would be in the same place right now if I were you - I am so sorry about what has happened. please know that there are so many of us out here who understand and care about you - I'm sorry we can't all show you that in person! And life is worth living......(I have thought of suicide in the past, I bet many POTSies have too). Thinking of you.

[scarfgirl]

Hi again.

Doing a little bit better the past couple of days. I even woke up in a good mood this morning, which is pretty awesome since I usually wake up panicked.

I hate that I keep taking the Ativan but I just can't focus through all the panic without it.

I think I am starting to get it through my thick head that I can't control a LOT of what happens in my life, so I need to work with what I have instead of trying to get what I can't. I still play the 'if only' game a lot, but it's not my only thought now.

I wrote down all the stuff I was worried and feeling hopeless about. There was a LOT there. The two big things though were MONEY and LONELINESS.

As far as money goes - I get $430 from SSDI. Depending on how divorce goes, I may qualify for SSI as well which brings me up to $675 (plus I will get Medicaid). Also depending on how the divorce goes I may get just enough money from my husband to disqualify me for Medicaid...but not enough to afford Medicare supplements or any other form of insurance and still pay bills. I just can't see a good outcome here, and it makes me feel hopeless. I just run this problem round and round in my head.

Regarding the loneliness, most of that is the fear of starting over after a divorce. My husband really was my best friend....towards the end mainly because he was my ONLY friend. I was pretty isolated, and still am. I can't seem to get out enough to maintain friendships. The second I have to drop out of the social scene, everyone forgets I ever existed. And I get too heartsick to maintain friendships with people who constantly forget about me. And I know the internet can be a great place for when I'm stuck inside, but I don't seem to have the skills to start and maintain friendships online.

So there's all that. Felt good to get it out.

[firewatcher]

"but I don't seem to have the skills to start and maintain friendships online."

KeXia- I disagree. You have many understanding acquaintances here on this very forum. With a little more personal communication that will slide into an actual friendship. I've met many people here and have "hit it off" and become cyber-friends. We check up on each other and email each other almost daily. Everyone here understands how crummy you feel physically and some of us have been through the emotional/relationship issues that you have as well. You can communicate quite clearly, so I'd say you have all the necessary skills to start and maintain friendships.

I'm glad you are doing better. Not all medication is bad, and there are good reasons to take it. You will have good days and bad days, but we can support you emotionally as much as we possibly can through the internet. Hang in there! Change can be a good thing.

Jennifer