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I Have No Hope


scarfgirl

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This year has been a rough one for me. I've been sick for almost a decade now, and while I've had my ups and downs I've never really gotten better. Then in June I caught my husband cheating on me, and rather than work things out he decided to leave and file for divorce. When he left I lost a lover, my best friend, a caretaker, all my money, my insurance, and my house. (I even lost my reason for living, since I had been able to get by knowing that at least I was helping him find happiness). I had to move back in with my parents, who live out in the middle of nowhere. I feel alone and very scared.

I know, logically, that I can get past this. I know people have been through a lot worse than me and come out alright. But it's getting harder and harder to even want to try. At first I was optimistic, and made plans for schooling, for finding a job, for getting a social life. I made a strong commitment to exercise, and learned how to enjoy being away from all the negative aspects of my husband (how he always quit when things got hard, judged others, avoided dealing with anything, chose popularity over morality). But then I get sick and realize how far fetched all my plans really are. And I get angry at my ex all over again for not being willing to even try--for once again taking away my choices, and scared that the life I live now is the only life I will ever know. No kids, no job, no life.

I know I need to accept things as they are, but I just don't know how. All I want to do is play the 'could have been' game over and over again in my head. I've tried therapy, I've tried anti-depressants, I even re-tried religion, but nothing has worked. I have to have some sort of meaning in my life to be able to keep trying and right now I don't. Without something to focus on, all I want to do is sleep and cry and think about killing myself (I won't, but that doesn't keep the thoughts from coming anyway).

What am I doing wrong that I can't handle this? I feel so desperate right now.

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Hugs for you, KeXia!!

You are not alone out there. You have a whole group of people here who understand what you are going through and are here for you to talk with. I'm very sorry to hear all that has happened to you. It can't be easy. Your plans are not far fetched. They may not be easy to attain, but they are goals that you can reach toward. Living with dysautonomia is not easy, but you have made it through a lot of years of this already and you can make it through this.

Know that there are lots of people out there wishing you well and sending you strength and positive energy!!

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KeXia, I'm sorry you're having a rough time but we're all here for you. I'm no dr but I think it's probably normal to be depressed or blue for awhile after what you've been thru. I know I would be. You're young & at least you have your parents to help & care for you a lot of us have no one. I've always found that if I get really down & feel useless it helps me to try doing something special for someone else if it's only to send a card or phone call. When I was younger & had more strength I liked to make cookies at Christmas & give to the neighbors. Don't be too hard on yourself, you never know what good surprise is around the corner. Hugs!

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KeXia, so often HOPE is a choice, we continue because we choose to. So many have said so far more eloquently than I have:

Quotes from a Cancer site:

The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart. ~Nikolai Lenin

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. ~Author Unknown

Know, then, whatever cheerful and serene

Supports the mind supports the body too.

~John Armstrong

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~Winston Churchill

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit. ~Emmanuel

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. ~C.C. Scott

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. ~Anne Frank

Never, never, never give up. ~Winston Churchill

Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there. ~Author Unknown

Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear. That's how he finds that he can bear anything. ~William Faulkner

If you're going through ****, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. ~Mignon McLaughlin

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I'm so sorry you're in so much pain and have such a rough time lately. I find that the best thing for me to do during those times is to get the focus off myself and try to volunteer, or perhaps have a pen pal, someone in the military maybe (though I'm not too sure I'd write to prisoners) as someone else suggested. Start towards your goals one small step at a time, and make sure you celebrate each milestone you reach. You are worthy and can do such much with the right attitude! Hope this passes for you soon.

Cheers,

Jana

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Many HUGS!! Sorry that you are in such a low place. We need to grieve along the way with this illness. Many years ago there wasn't support groups for dys. so I decided to write letters to dizzy patients. In my darkest hours, writing took my mind to a better place. There was many friends made and a few with dys., that was searching for answers. Hope you can get to that better place soon. Bless you, Mary

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Maybe you might consider an ssri to help your POTS and to protect your health/ mind a little while you are healing....because you will heal from this loss.

I take an SSRI for my POTS (lexapro) and I know my aunt has been on one for years (she is married to a total jerk!!!). Anyway I'm for whatever you can do to help you get though this.

Another thought... I can understand giving up on "religion" but I just focus on my relationship with God...I take comfort in knowing that there is a greater perspective on things then I have.

THINKING OF YOU!!!! kari

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Guest tearose

Dear KeXia,

Please allow yourself to feel the love and help that surrounds you. I am spiritual and do believe if you allow yourself to get quiet and allow for goodness to reveal itself...you will feel positive answers and love. The energy that we are all sending you, your parents and friends who know and love you and yes, your Spirit guides/angels are all with you on this journey.

You asked how to accept where you are...sit quietly and just invite the light in to where you are! Allow it in, then it will engulf you and help you move to a better place.

Again, feel us all surrounding you with support and love and know that you can, with determination and one tiny step at a time find your way forward again.

I am sorry for all the hurts and loss and suffering you have endured. Trust that there is something better out there, ask the Universe to guide you, and you will find joy again.

with peace and love,

tearose

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It takes a long time to get over a marriage, even for healthy people with jobs and kids. My husband cheated on me and believe me, it has been hard not to play the "could have been" game. I think my X is playing that game now that his girlfriend showed her true colors and left him. I would never take him back because I can never trust him and he has showed HIS true colors.

The kind of man who cheats on his wife, would have done it even if you weren't sick. And he wasn't your best friend, he was a fraud. The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. You don't want to be married to a man who would leave his wife when she needs him most. It is perfectly normal to feel alone and afraid and depressed in your situation. You are better off alone than dependent on someone like him.

I understand needing to find something that makes you feel useful. I am on a committee at church, and while I often miss meetings due to illness, I make the name tags and send the Thank you notes to the people who sign the guest book. It makes me feel useful. The last church I belonged to used to call people on their birthday. I was one of the birthday callers. Small things, but they make a difference to me.

My kids are almost all grown up and when my youngest graduates I know it will be hard. When I had to stop working, I decided being a stay at home mom was enough of a goal. Now I look at retired people, and try to determine what they use to feel useful.

Sometimes I feel pathetic. But truly ONE DAY AT A TIME really helps. Find things you enjoy. An online game, books, calling people etc. Try to enjoy life and not focus on what you are missing.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle and we have to just wait it out and eventually we get some strength back to face life.

My heart goes out to you, I have been where you are.

Hugs to you, and know you aren't alone in your feelings.

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My heart goes out to you and is also with you. I am in a similar situation. My husband and I are divorcing and I am having to move back in with my father and step-mom back home in IL. I currently live in Texas with my husband. I have no idea how I am going to have the strength to go through this but I realize it is the best thing for me, for him, and for us. While it may one of the hardest things I have to go through, I know I have to go through it. I know I am strong enough and I know you are too. We each have an amount of strength in us that we don't even realize. I know you have the strength and the courage you need. You may have to dig deep. I don't know if you journal or not but I would highly recommend journaling. It has helped me through some of my darkest times. I know you are with your parents and I hope you have a great support in your family and, if so, take comfort in that. Embrace their love and support. Realize that things may be horrible right now but you will get better. Your life will get better. You will live. If everything seems like it is at the lowest point, then it can only get better from here, right? I am here for you. DINET is here for you. You are NOT alone. Keep the faith!

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If you're able to I recommend trying another therapist. I saw a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) 4 years ago when I went through similar life changes and she helped me a lot. I still see her now, just not nearly as often. It's helpful to talk to someone that specializes in relationships and the changes they go through. Just like M.D.s though, a good one can take a bit to find.

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Hmmm.

Well I am at a high point today. I recently went through a breakup and was so totally in love with him...but I love what Jan said....what kind of man leaves a woman who is sick? What kind of man ____? Fill in your own blank. This is certainly not a man who loves me in a way that works and somehow somewhere we will be better off.

I still cry...and often. I thought this was the one...after a terrible marraige..but it wasn't. BUT I am at am really so much happier all in all. IU just am.

I choose to only do what makes me happy. I exercise as much as I can...I focus on my kids. I am doing little projects around my house when able. I am chatting with friends...occasionally even have a cup of coffee. I read spiritual stuff.......and I vent often to wonderful people who understand.

When we are at the end of our rope, tie a knot. I am sure I am older than you and my experienece tells me....life is like a ride, sometimes it is so great and exilierating...and sometimes it just makes up throw up.

I really appreciate your honesty...God bless.

Erika

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KeXia,

My heart breaks for you, and I can only imagine what it would be like losing my soulmate/husband/lover-------especially when life is already dealing you a bad hand.

All I can say is use this as an opportunity to reach inside yourself and find your inner strength. You have it, it's in there. I've been through this before, and I was able to pick myself back up again. My parents were a big help to me while I rebuilt my life. I found strength I never knew I had. I got married again, and after 12 years of my second marriage and working full time while going to school for part of those years my health crashed. Now I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of me that are left, and pray my husband sticks through it with me-------so far 20 years. I'm fortunate to have my son from my previous marriage, and two beautiful granddaughters

It looks like you have some wonderful support here. With this, and the support of your family you'll be in good hands to get you through this chapter in your life. Good things will come again. Keep good, loving, and loyal people in your life. Compassion is what you need. Toss the bad people in your life to the wind, and just let them blow away.

whiterose.jpg

BIG HUG to YOU........................................... Maxine :0)

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KeXia,

I'm so sorry you are going through **** right now. To be honest, this *****. .. Seems like life's kicking you while you're down.

I read your post a few times- and have been thinking about your situation since yesterday.

One positive, in my opinion, is that this man is out of your life. Came at a bad time, but Erik is right- you deserve better.

Something WILL give, I promise. This WILL change. I know the concept of "accepting" your situation seems impossible to swallow, I'm still working on that myself.

I think tearose wrote some wonderful things. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be in your situation and try to find the good and the love around you.

Even though it's been broken, leave your heart open. The love, compassion and support from your parents and us on this forum will pour in and fill you up. Stay open and receptive. You have it in you.

my heart goes out to you

Maisie

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I just wanted to reiterate what a couple people have already posted here. A good counselor can do a world of good, so perhaps looking for a therapist who you connect with may be worth your while. I went to a wonderful counselor when I went through a lot of pain and grief over having to change my formerly really active life to one where I can't even make plans for the next day. It helped me a lot. Also, an SSRI can be a big help. I take Paxil and it's given me benefits with reducing some of my POTS symptoms and also helped my depression/anxiety. Anything that you need to do to get you through this very difficult time period is worth it!

Hope you're feeling better today. Please update us on how you are...

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Thanks everyone for listening.

I'm taking Zoloft right now. My therapist is back in Seattle, and I can't find a new one down here because they're all so far away and I have no one to drive me. I'm trying to read self-help books to make up for it.

I have more to say, but I just can't get my brain to focus at all right now. Maybe later tonight.

Thanks guys.

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KeXia,

Use whatever emotion you have left to get you through. I was depressed and hopeless after my divorce; I felt like a failure as a person and a wife, I was sick and close to bankrupt. I considered terminal options, but then I got MAD! (Anger is not a bad thing...sometimes it can fuel you when you have nothing left!) I was NOT going to let that worthless excuse of a man have the pleasure of seeing me dead! My divorce was very long, my lawyer ended up having to hire a private investigator to find my husband and get him to sign anything; the divorce cost more than our wedding!

I still use anger to get me through tough situations, it is a potent motivator. When I was at my sickest, my doctor at the time (who is married to a friend of mine) said something about me "getting sick for attention." My husband said that when I heard that it was like a spark had hit gasoline! I followed through with that doctor's wishes for me to see a psychiatrist, who promptly referred me to HIS neurologist, and then I fired the doctor/friend. That anger fueled enough energy for me to find a new doctor and finally a correct diagnosis!

By the way, my current (wonderful, supportive, understanding) husband and I met two weeks after my divorce was final! We've been together for 14 years and have two rowdy boys. He has never given up on me, and is my rock that I lean on often.

My advice is a quote my husband had to learn in the military: "Don't let the B&^%$@rd get you down!"

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Guest tearose

Hi KeXia,

Just wanted to pop over and say hello.

How are you doing today?

If you are in the mood to communicate and have no one to speak with then post here or take up a notepad and pen and write your thoughts. Some of the best poetry ever written comes from introspective times as you are in!

Sending more peace and love,

tearose

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Hi guys,

I'm about the same. I'm making myself exercise every day even though I don't want to, so I have that to be proud of. With everything else though I'm still gridlocked, stuck between deep depression and barely contained panic. I still lack the will to do anything to try and improve my situation, and that makes me really angry at myself (which probably doesn't help the depression).

I'm trying to force myself to think through things at least so I can at least get a grip on my options but it's hard to get things to form into a cohesive picture. I wish I had a caseworker/advocate type person that could go through everything with me and help me figure things out. I even asked DSHS for someone like that, but they said they only provide them for mental health cases. Boo.

I'm gonna try tomorrow to just make a list of EVERYTHING, absolutely every unhappy thought that pops in my head about my life, then go from there. I'll make sure to take an Ativan before I get started :)

Thanks again for all the advice and well wishes. It's great to have a sounding board that doesn't make me feel crazy, or pressured to be a certain way.

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This year has been a rough one for me. I've been sick for almost a decade now, and while I've had my ups and downs I've never really gotten better. Then in June I caught my husband cheating on me, and rather than work things out he decided to leave and file for divorce. When he left I lost a lover, my best friend, a caretaker, all my money, my insurance, and my house. (I even lost my reason for living, since I had been able to get by knowing that at least I was helping him find happiness). I had to move back in with my parents, who live out in the middle of nowhere. I feel alone and very scared.

I know, logically, that I can get past this. I know people have been through a lot worse than me and come out alright. But it's getting harder and harder to even want to try. At first I was optimistic, and made plans for schooling, for finding a job, for getting a social life. I made a strong commitment to exercise, and learned how to enjoy being away from all the negative aspects of my husband (how he always quit when things got hard, judged others, avoided dealing with anything, chose popularity over morality). But then I get sick and realize how far fetched all my plans really are. And I get angry at my ex all over again for not being willing to even try--for once again taking away my choices, and scared that the life I live now is the only life I will ever know. No kids, no job, no life.

I know I need to accept things as they are, but I just don't know how. All I want to do is play the 'could have been' game over and over again in my head. I've tried therapy, I've tried anti-depressants, I even re-tried religion, but nothing has worked. I have to have some sort of meaning in my life to be able to keep trying and right now I don't. Without something to focus on, all I want to do is sleep and cry and think about killing myself (I won't, but that doesn't keep the thoughts from coming anyway).

What am I doing wrong that I can't handle this? I feel so desperate right now.

Oh KeXia,

My heart goes out to you. I feel horrible for what has happened to you. I'm so sorry to say that I can totally relate. My husband left me as well, after nearly 25 years of marriage. At the worst possible stage of my life. Dealing with this illness, Fibro/cfs and having my girls leave the nest. It's been horrible but I'm so glad you have your parents by your side.

I know it's not easy to start anew. For me, it also meant leaving my home that I loved to move into a townhouse that I hate. No friends nearby and neighbors that don't even acknowledge my existance.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for all of us

You will get through this, that's what I tell myself. Be kind to yourself. Please, please, email if you'd like. I'd love to have someone who knows first hand of this experience.

We all here rooting for you on the boards.

Life is just so unfair sometimes. My ex is already remarried and never once calls or emails me to see how I am. That hurts. I pray that things get easier for you.

ruekat@comcast.net

Big hugs,

Rene

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