Was Supposed To Gradaute Bfa This Semester

[MelissaCrystal]

Hey, this is my first post in the Chit-Chat forum (Edit: got moved to Dys Discussion). I've been feeling down and worried lately so I thought I'd give it a try =) I read some of the posts here, and while some are very depressing (like boyfriends leaving =( my number one fear) and some are very happy (weddings! life breakthroughs!) I seem to have more of a depressing theme going on in my life right now.

I'm facing a difficult decision with school, once again. It's been two semesters in a row that my health has been getting in the way of me completing my work. I'm an Illustrator at the Academy of Art University, technically in my 5th year since I couldn't complete last semester due to POTS.

Now, I'm repeating those classes this semester, and I'm 3 weeks in, but I've already fallen behind due to spending too much time in bed and resting from nausea/fatigue. I've been really trying but my heart, body, and mind all literally and metaphorically are just not in it right now because of these health problems. I just don't feel well and I'm so tired of it, and I just want to focus on getting better and feeling better and enjoying each day at a time. It seems like I can't do that when I have to sit at my computer for hours with my tablet, painting an illustration. I get nauseated and I get stressed out (which is normal, but for me, it causes my symptoms to flare up worse).

I have two choices.... Drop my classes before the "Drop without Fail" deadline, or risk failing the classes and try to pass them. If I fail one class, I get kicked out of school for a semester and cannot attend until another semester has passed. I just don't know if I should risk that... I'm attending a really expensive school on top of everything and my finances are dead right now due do not being able to work.

The safe thing would be to drop the classes and focus on my doc appointments and finding a flexible job that can accommodate me. But that'd delay my graduation and give me less of an option for financial aid. I don't know what is more important at this point. I want to say my health, but my future is at stake. I may not be able to afford to finish up, which is ridiculous because I am so close. Each semester costs $7000 in tuition, and fin aid doesn't accept me if I don't take enough classes. They basically really really want my money, and I have no clue if I'll have enough to give if I wait longer to finish up.

Eh. I don't know. It's just a difficult situation, and a depressing one. I'm a very skilled illustrator who at one point was very ambitious and passionate, but my medical problems have drained me of motivation. I don't even know if this the right career for me anymore because along with my health issues, the stress is just unbearable. I'm 60 thousand in debt from school, so it'd be like chopping off my leg if I were to switch careers. Ughhh.

I'm sure you guys have been through situations like these. My school is a private school though so they're a bit more annoying to deal with than public ones. They've given me a little bit of leeway for my medical issues but it has never been enough to help me pass my last classes. I have no clue if I could petition some of my fails, but I've told myself over and over I'd look into it. It's all just so overwhelming right now.

Right now my biggest priorities are my health and finding money to pay for the medical bills. I wish it were school, because I'm so close to graduating, but it just isn't in me right now and I really hope that isn't permanent. I'm wasting so much money by struggling this much towards the end. No refunds =/

I think I'm just going to have to drop them because it'll be impossible to get caught up again after missing work from 2 weeks in a row. It's just such a shame. My little brother just dropped out of college so my mom is freaking out about us. I know she understands what I'm going through, but it's painful for her to see it happen like this. I used to be very strong and determined but I've been drained so much.

Anyone have any personal stories they want to share about school struggles with their health or life problems?

[ajw4790]

Hi,

It sounds like you are going through so much, and have some difficult decisions to make. I wish that things would have worked out better this semester for you! If you leave this semester due to medical issues are there any penalties, or do you have to wait another year to take these classes? Possibly, if you went ahead and took leave this semester you could concentrate on your health and try to find drs. to help you get to the bottom of things or at least enough progress to get you through that last quarter. As far as it being a career match for you, if you have the talent I think it is a great one to share with others and that I believe once school is over you may be able to pretty much work at home? Working at home would likely be quite helpful and ideal. In this way I think that you were lucky to go into a program that gives you that flexibility.

Beyond what I have already said, I also wanted to add that I have quite a bit of personal experience in this area (as I think many others have as well). Not to say it is all the same for everyone, because everyones life and circumstances are unique. But, I do feel your frustration, indecisiveness, sadness, confusion, etc. Especially frustration!

I have had symptoms since a young child. I was always seen school system wise as a "gifted" student, but yet struggled as I got older. Elementary and middle weren't too bad. I had appendectomy and Mono. during high school and frequently did not feel well enough to do my best. But, I managed and took the higher level classes. I finally graduated (that was affected by my health). I got into a decent state university and struggled for years undiagnosed to get my B.S. degree. It was not easy, but I finally got there. I managed to do well enough school wise, GRE wise, and with enough volunteer and extra curricular activity hours, that I made it into one of the best (especially locally) programs for my graduate degree. I wanted to get into that profession that I really overworked myself way too hard through my symptoms and didn't do my self much good. Through this time I was going to 5-8 doctors trying to figure things healthwise out and got no where... except I was depressed. (I wasn't) I told them I am doing okay in school, got into a great grad program etc... I am not depressed, I just feel like ****.

So, I moved out of my parents house to a new city for grad school, I got my own apartment and settled in etc. Problem was we had only a WEEK between undergrad and grad school to move etc. I felt SO AWFUL during the first part of grad school, because I was so overwhelmed with everything. Had things to do five days a week at school from 8-5, and a TON of homework and studying in anatomy and neuroscience... Not easy reading. So, I was going along in grad school, worked my *** off. Sometimes we would stay until 8,9,10:00 studying in the lab or working in the library (we had to work on each other so you need a partner), also many nights and weekends at others apartments working on each other. I got 3-4 hours sleep if lucky, not eating well, and still undiagnosed.

It blows up in my face, I am told my medical stuff is getting to much in the way of school. I get a semi-emergency appointment with a dr. through a favor of a professor that week. That started the ball rolling. They finally LISTENED, and agreed you do have the tremor, but there is much else going on. And more tests and dr. appointments occurred and I finally go somewhere. It has taken I think about two years from then to get to where I am now. School worked with me for a while, I started and adjusted to many meds, and went to school. It retrospect, the one especially I maybe should not have been driving...

But, point is my blood, sweat, tears, and all of my energy went into staying in this program and succeeding. I did not get medically stable enough in time, and through profs that do not understand and red tape, I was forced to take medical leave.

So, I have made a lot of progress on medical leave, but no where near enough to return. At this point it looks bleak that I will ever be able to return to what I spent two hard years of my time, energy, and money into.

Now, I am looking to find a way to take what training and abilities I do have and find a whole new career. I have been working for this since middle school. It is very hard!

I now am trying to work on things medically, and try to start having some temporary source of income with something flexible that I can do for the time being. Like a 5% chance I will return to school. I am trying to get into a different program, and get a masters in a few quarters (I still had another year+ of school I was planning for... so I already had figured I would have that many loans.). Then still try to work in a hospital and in peds as I wanted to before.

Now with this economy!!!!!!!

So, currently since the loan etc. money I was living off of is gone, my parents have nicely been assisting me with my finances. Now, that is a mess, because through no fault of there own, the main source of income is losing the current job. They had a month to find something else... It looks that there will be a large pay cut (meaning I have to find other assistance/ money), or that my family that has been supporting me, not just monetarily, but emotionally etc... will have to move hundreds of miles away to the middle of nowhere. I do not want to go, but if I stay I may not have anywhere to live etc... It has been very hard to try to find a job for them and they don't have long to make a decision. It may also mean my parents will be separated if the one works elsewhere for months while the other stays, trys to sell the house etc.

ANYWAYS, that was long... Sorry!!! I just wanted to in my weird way say that I can understand some of where you are at, and what all it means for ones life all around...

I wish you the best of luck! And I do believe that it will some day work itself out for the best. The hard times make us stronger and more understanding of others and the gifts we are given.

Hope all goes well for you!

[MightyMouse]

Melissa, I'm still in graduate school and sometimes it's been brutal trying to keep plugging along on that path. I did take several breaks because of my health. Right now I am nearly done, but it seems like it will be forever still before I actually get the diploma. I have finished all my coursework for my doctorate, but I need to do my dissertation now and I feel out of energy.

I attend a public college, but I teach at night at a private one. Does your college have a disabilities services office? If so, are you officially registered with them in order to protect your grades if you need time off for health concerns? Also, those protections may offer you extra time to complete projects, or for my situation, offers me protection to have extra time to finish my degree. Typically, 7 years is the max allowed, but I will be allowed more time (I'm at 7 years now).

I wanted to be done with my graduate school by age 35... I then pushed it up to age 40... I'll be 44 in a few weeks, so I guess I'll have to adjust again! I'm so tired tonight that I'm struggling to think of words of wisdom to help you through... just that when you are able to do it, you will...

[delphicdragon]

Hey Melissa-

I'm in grad school too, and yes, I have had to take medical leave as well. I was undiagnosed in college, though I was actually worse then than I am now. It finally took me having a seizure-like thing, and the EMTs being unable to get a blood pressure that got me to a doctor - who apparently diagnosed me with POTS, but since he couldn't name it, I got no help.

It's so hard to have to take medical leave! But I needed it. My heart rate was resting at 115 after 3 liters of fluid - down from 160. There was no way I could have gone to work like that- just too exhausting.

I agree with MightyMouse. Go to the disability services place on campus and talk to them. They have been so helpful for me and I can't thank them enough!! I owe my ability to work to the people in that office. They had no questions about the Ehlers-Danlos or the POTS, just said, what do you need. They are awesome!

HUGS!

Sara

[Sunfish]

hiya melissa -

my heart goes out to you. without knowing you & the intimate details of your situation, all you've already done both school-wise & health-wise to try to make things work over the years, etc. i'm not sure whether to go nuts with brainstorming & encouraging you along the lines of keeping on with school or whether you've truly done all there is to do & are instead at the point where, as can happen, the limitations of your health/ body are such that no amount of brainstorming or determination can or will make any difference. it's a fine line to walk (between the two) and one i know all too well. most people tend to fall on one side or the other, either pushing beyond when/ where they should be pushing or else calling it a day way too soon. knowing how frustrating it can be (however well-intended) to have people chime in with oodles of suggestions of things you've already tried but also being the last one who would ever want anyone to jump ship earlier than needed i'm going to hold off on either for now.

first & foremost my heart goes out to you, regardless of where you are in terms of working with the disability office, requesting assistance/ accomadations, etc. b/c no matter what you have or haven't done up until now it's a cruddy place to be. trying to figure out what's best for your health, finances, life, etc in the midst of feeling cruddy, making decisions based on factors that you can't fully know, i.e. what lies ahead for you health-wise, etc. there's no way around the fact that it's tough. really really tough. i've been there, as have many others on the forum in various ways at different points in time. for some people the right answer has been to keep plugging along and yet, despite the encouragement that folks will throw in, there is a time & place to realize that determination can only take one so far. i don't know what your situation is b/c i don't know you well enough yet, but none of them are easy or fun, which i'm sure you don't need me to tell you.

i feel like i'm rambling & not being helpful in any way at all & for that i apologize, but i also know that there are times when just feeling/ knowing that people are listening & supporting you means a lot so i hope that i can at least be worth a bit in that way. since you asked for others' stories specifically i did a quick search for some of my heartfelt ramblings during my semester & a half of grad school. for me it was something i tried long past the time when my body was really too ill to be doing school of any sort but i was stubborn & despite what my doctors, family, & body was telling me i had to push ALL the way. i am NOT posting my ramblings b/c that's the point you're at but only to show you that the struggle is definitely not something that no one else has dealt with. so don't take any of my details for any type of guideline/ instruction by any means. i'm not telling you that your situation is what mine was in that you're at the point of having to accept that school isn't an option. i am NOT saying that at all. every situation is individual and if you are looking for more "counsel" per se i'm one that won't give it without hearing a lot more about what all you've tried to make school work, your day to day health reality, etc. i know you definitely have been struggling health wise but don't feel that i know enough about how you've tried to be creative to make school work to comment in detail. that doesn't mean that i don't think you've done so, only that i don't know enough one way or the other to comment. pretty much i'm not wanting to encourage nor discourage out of turn, as both can be a royal pain. so with that said, here are a few of my posts from a few years back:

http://dinet.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3417&st=0

http://dinet.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtop...amp;#entry41026

http://dinet.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=6123&hl=

looking back i can easily still bring up the difficulty of the decisions that weren't really decisions, the grieving, etc. not easy any way you cut it.

i'm to tired at the moment to say anything else with even the slightest bit of intelligence. if nothing else though my ramblings should help you to realize that others, including me, have been there.

hang in there the best you can...i know it's not easy.

melissa (the other one)