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14 hours ago, StayAtHomeMom said:

See if she would be willing to read a journal to get things started so that you don't have to exhaust yourself trying to tell her everything going on. Also 1/2 tablet of dramimine (the OTC motion sickness med) could help with those dizzies. 

I love this idea! It would help me tons if nothing else to make a little outline of what's been going on so I can be a bit organized. Health wise and other.

And I also don’t want it to seem that I just become overly emotional every time things don’t go my way. 

The workload number one can be huge and I can feel very alone in it. My requests for help get dismissed etc. Number two I am okay with things not happening quite the way I hope so long as there is a reasonable explanation as to why and a plan for resolution I could be satisfied with that. But the feeling of getting no where with same issue same result is frustrating. Those are the elements that are frustrating to me.  I could deal with a plan and a timeline that would take into consideration all resources and everyone’s well being. What I don’t like is continually being dismissed. I am not sure anyone would be satisfied with that scenario. 

I honestly have difficulty with the amount of talking the therapy sessions require. I cannot talk at a normal pace for the length of time required to give her information without starting to feel very lightheaded. I really end up getting flabbergasted in the office. 

Yes I do see a neuropsychologist. She refers to most of my issues as anxiety so I am not sure how helpful that really is. I do not really feel heard like recognizing this is a real limitation I have. 

It’s amazing that you are able to drive so far on your own StayAtHomeMom. I have at times done some driving and trips I think in the back of my mind though it made me nervous to do it alone. I just never knew when symptoms would come on or I would get exhausted. 

I had this happen to me even with pulling it through a cap. Like you I felt like if it didn’t touch my scalp I would be fine. I even had it on for quite some time before it happened but my reaction was so severe I will never use hair color again. I got the burning heat on my scalp. I instantly had to have a bm. I started rinsing and too late it had already hit my system. This was my first incident of feeling like I was in a fib. I could not move nothing I was plastered to the bathroom floor. I did not feel right for hours after. I felt so foolish for risking my life that way. It really felt like I could go into a heart attack or cardiac arrest the way my heart was beating. That night when I went to bed I felt like I had run a marathon. No more hair color for me ever. 

Yes my older two boys might help load the scooter. My 17 year old is not driving yet mostly because I cannot get husband to spend the hours behind the wheel with him needed. He has already had drivers ed and I have tried to drive with him some but he still has his temps. 

On this occasion I did schedule my appt for later in day but my oldest is in college- he commutes but was not home yet that day. My other son also still in school. I had thought of that though that I may need to get my boys to help with trips like that. Learn how to hitch the trailer etc. so maybe that can work some of the time going forward. 

I am grateful for what I can do but normal life stuff is a real challenge and I am sure you all can relate.

The idea of having the friend any way letting whatever happens. Oh I could not handle the stress of it. Talk about an emotional nightmare and then I would basically lose them both in the end. I cannot afford to do it. I would forever feel upset being around them and emotionally affected if something like that happened. 

I am quite certain stress makes everything going on with my heart worse so I just look at what is the easiest way. I would have to be pretty desperate to agree to a scenario like that. 

I think one of the issues for me is comparing myself having the expectations as you would for a normal healthy person and not being able to let go of that. That’s one of my biggest issues and then even when I try to let go I have others still holding me to those expectations or judging me.  I get overwhelmed easily too and that does not help me or the situation either one. So reminding me to take one day at a time. Celebrate and rejoice and feel accomplished for each thing I do.

I actually feel guilty because there might be those who are much more limited and would look at my life and say wow you can do so much yet you are so unhappy and see me as ungrateful. I really do want to find myself in a place where I feel I accept, where I feel blessed and am thankful for each day and celebrate the good. How do we get there? Are we there and just don’t know it because life can be so crazy?

The closest I ever got was when my mom was still living. I could go and just find quiet. Away from all responsibility and issues. I could just chill and pass over to her the responsibilities of the kids for a while. Maybe it was not fair to her I am sorry mom if it wasn’t but as someone mentioned above I did not have a husband to share those responsibilities with and I was so burned out my body and mind and soul needed it. 

My kids are older now so they don’t need me the same ways. The ongoing though of everything for so many years takes it’s toll. 

I had an aunt who had four kids and then when she had grandkids really showed no interest. I think I get it. I think it is possible to get totally burned out with the kids. They do not want to help they do not appreciate anything you do for them and are very much into just wanting to do their own thing and I think it’s somewhat normal and just the reality of how kids are. To experience different I think would come from a remarkable child. The one way I get help with chores around the house is I have a couple boys that like to earn money to spend on Xbox so they will come and say I need to make $5. Or whatever so I always take them right up on their request. 

I also have tried to simplify our home as much as possible to make it easier to clean.

I have the robot sweeper and the robot mop and then just purchased a lightweight floor cleaner for our hard wood and tile. I can use it a little or get the kids to run it for me and it is fairly easy and efficient to use. 

So I try every way I can to make things simple so it requires less fuss. 

Also can you believe I am developing the skill of trading stocks? Unbelievable that I would get into that. But I had hoped if I could make enough money investing I could actually hire help. The market is down right now so that has not materialized yet but I am not  giving up on that fantasy.  They say it takes five years to learn and time is something I have plenty of. 

So I guess my goal is to feel some control in my life rather than allowing the condition to control me.

Meds have been a no go for me. I tried Atenolol early on and my bp’s are way too low for that. The only other meds I tried were Zoloft. I saw a nurse therapist when this all started that put me in that and it seemed to help a little but I got a horrible rash all over and when I continued to take it horrible flu symptoms so I stopped. I felt I was not tolerating or reacting to the med. Same story with Xanax. It helped then reaction. Same with Benadryl for the food reactions I was getting. At first a tiny bit of Bedadryl helped then I reacted to the Benadryl. I take nothing. Not even Tylenol or Motrin for headache or fever. Nothing feels safe any more. 

Honest answer do I have a friend that can help. I do not think it would be safe to bring a single female into my home admits to me she is lonely wants sex etc etc. To bring her here at all at times when my husband would be here and they were crossing paths. I am not that secure in my marriage to do that. I am sorry for the bluntness but that is the reality. She just 6 months ago had a guy from work interested in her. He was married had 3 kids and she was gonna go for it. Didn't care. She was only thinking about meeting her own needs. In the shape my marriage is everything related no. I cannot risk it. Best friend or not I cannot trust her or him. 
And honestly everything I know about her she is one of the nicest people I know so if she would do things like that many other women would too. I cannot risk it period. It would have to be a person who was not a threat that way if I was lucky enough to find help.

There is so much to reply to here I want to thank everyone for their comments and support.

There was an incident just a week ago that broke me down to tears right in a public place. It is true if I push myself too far I will most likely bring on an episode and possibly be grounded for days because my heart pounds so hard it causes my chest to hurt for days. Anyway I too also just purchased a mobility device. I had put it off all this time. When I first found out I was going to be awarded my disability I asked could I please get one and my husband responded NO! Well then when events came up that I really wanted to attend and couldn't do to the walking my husband would suggest really odd thing like he thought he could pull me in a children's wagon which just seemed as if it would be so humiliating and he seemed to have no sensitivity about it regarding how that would make me appear to others.

Back to my story I set the appt up to get my halter monitor on a Friday when he would be home and told him ahead of time I would like to take my new scooter that day to the hospital because I was certain there would be a lot of walking. That morning I got up and charged it. Had it ready to go but he did nothing to get the trailer together to haul it. He really is lazy. I know it is difficult to believe anyone could be that way but he is. It's his only excuse he just doesn't want to be bothered with things like that. So here comes the time to leave and he's laying on the couch and says shall we take the car? I didn't know what else to do I wanted to cancel the appt so I said okay. Oh the emotions. All the way there he was chatting up a storm trying to take focus off the fact he had just refused to go along with what I had planned and taken over. He is a control freak too. The problem is the more he did that the worse my emotions got. He said he would push me in a wheelchair which I have a phobia about using public things like that imagining they are crawling with germs. I get sick at the drop of a hat. So he drops me at the door. I go in and sit and I see how far it is even to get to the information desk but I go up and ask and get directions. He looks around and says he sees no wheelchair and at that point I am so hopping mad I just take off and start walking and feel like crap. The pressure starts in my chest. When we get in the elevator I stooped to try to give myself a break from standing and then walked on to the waiting area outside the cardiac dept. He could see I was struggling and offered to go check me in. I couldn't help it. I sat down propped my legs up and the tears just started flowing just everything the entire situation. How I got myself in a spot How it all happened so last minute and I felt I had no control to speak up and say anything at all. How I felt I should just be thankful he took me. How I should just be happy to ride in a wheelchair even though they were these weird tubular looking things. I was just looking at that wheelchair not wanting to get in one. Not wanting that to be my life. And thinking what has my life come to that I can't even walk that far or have to be afraid that I am really going to mess myself up good. The entire thing I just sat there with the tears rolling unable to say a word for fear I would look ungrateful or just start a fight or make it worse. Just so misunderstood. Thinking wow I guess I need to go spend more money and buy some type of lift for the back of my vehicle so I do not have to depend on the generosity or willingness of others but then trying to figure out if I really can be independent enough to operate all of that on my own and not bring on a similar episode from all the activity it would take to manage all of that. I really honestly often feel to frail for all of that. Whether I am I have no clue. That is one of my issues is not knowing what is safe for me or okay and what is not.
To me it would only make sense if you do not exercise  you will get weaker. How do we push ourselves and stay active keep our strength without somehow putting ourselves into jeopardy? I wish I knew what that line was of keeping up strength and stamina without overdoing it because I would do it every day. I don't like being so unsure of what I can do what I can't. So vulnerable. 

So in the end I walked up had my emotional meltdown in front of everyone there and walked down and was fine and in the end I can say that exercise is probably good for me when I can do it without incident and am safe. But man I hate it all I hate feeling so vulnerable and helpless. I don't like feeling like a helpless child especially when I have taken steps to aid myself and have a plan and I just can't get cooperation. My whole life flashes before my eyes that this is the way it's always going to be and I get depressed. 
And then I question what is wrong with me that I struggle to balance my emotions so much and let them overwhelm me that way. It's just tough al the way around the entire thing I really struggle with it.

I'm so sorry that happens to you. The most I can relate to it is sometimes I have what seems like momentary loss of extremities or a severe onset of nausea where I feel like I am going to vomit and nothing is going to hold it back but I don't end up getting sick.

As far as the momentary loss of use of extremity I have broken a lot of glasses where I go to fill it from my water cooler and I'm standing there and the next thing I know the glass is falling and shattering all over the ground. I guess I lose my grip or something. I have not understood why this happens.

I have fallen a couple times and it's like something just gives out in my hip or something and down I go. I don't flail or anything like that it does not last that long. 

There have been times during an episode or right after I do not feel like I can get up at all. Like no strength, no coordination and especially if I am out somewhere public one of my biggest panics is how am I going to get out of here and out to my car and heaven forbid drive home. I feel like I just cannot get up and walk however if I take my time and gather myself together and give my self a 10-15 minute rest after I can usually walk out with no issue. It's just very scary to lose control and then believe that you suddenly have it back again or to believe through the episode that you have any control that whole time based on how it feels. 

I do go down yes. That is why I could not work. I was collapsing on the job and I do not even know how much of it was voluntary or involuntary. It just happened but I could always get up and walk unless I was in the middle of an episode and then no and again for a while after. I remember any time a squad came to retrieve me I would say I cannot get up and they would assist me and also my speech becoming slurred on many occasions due to an episode which that seemed scary. 

I also on several occasions if I have tried to stand in line at a check out or something similar I will be standing there and all of a sudden I will get this sensation that everything below my waist is just going to give out. And by that it feels like I am going to lose control of bowel and bladder and also that my legs will just go weak and I will fall. To date that specific situation has only been a feeling. A couple times too getting ready to go to the store or an outing I will get ready be walking to the door and my lower half will just feel so weak and I get the idea that my legs are going to give out on me and just not hold me up. But I am able to walk and have just taken my chances and I have not fallen at those times. 

The worst part for me is just the way it feels when you are not in control of your body. I get the flooding of emotions too and tears with mine and for me it's a combo of I just lost control and the sadness that this is my life and then the creepy feeling of what it feels like for your body to go haywire. It just plain feels bad similar to how getting sick or the flu makes you feel bad at the time. The weird thing is I usually forget just how bad it feels say in a day or two those thoughts leave me and I go back to doing what I can do.
Nothing really surprises me with POTS honestly. I have all types of body malfunctions that are not logical so when they happen to me I try to tell myself now this will most likely pass or oh there goes my wonky body again. I think the degree of these episodes impacts our reactions though and as severe as these episodes are for you I can understand your concern and frustration?

I hope you get some answers. 

With it being your lower body and loss of using it did you have any type of spinal during delivery. I wonder if it could be related or I wonder if it could be some type of nerve damage related to vaginal birth that you lose your lower quarters. 



 

Hi I've had POTS now for 9 years. I was doing a bit better but since the beginning of the summer I started having what resemble panic attacks but maybe they are POTS episodes. It's not that much of a shock really however I had been doing better and was even able to put on a couple pounds so my instincts tell me I should be a little stronger not weaker. I had been horribly underweight still am but to me to get up to 95 pounds is way better than sitting at 89. Also I had a horrible time going through menopause but all that has stopped so I am no longer experiencing large amounts of blood loss monthly another plus right? I've been period free now for a year and a half. The added stress is my mom died of cancer May 2017. And I try to look out for my dad now which entails calling him every night at 7 and talking for about an hour. In the beginning I had him over for meals about twice a week and took him food but now I am down to having him 1 day a week and holidays. Recent stress as he has decided to date and all he wants to talk about is his woman to me which is extremely distressing. He is 77 and will be 78 soon and I'm noticing age related changes with him so huge concern I've had starting in with mom and continued with dad. 
I have four children ages 19,17,14, and 12. I am alone with them left with their care while their dad works out of town weekly and also escapes weekends to another house we have. 
I had hoped when mom died my dad would help me but he is not geared that way. He is all about entertaining himself in his old age. So he is hopping over to see his lady 3-4 times a week and all meals he takes her out for. 
So even though I am the disabled one I have all 6 of us plus dad to shop for, cook for, clean for, do laundry for. I'm telling you this in nuts. My family can't get through their heads that I am disabled.
Recently I am having issues driving where I go into episodes behind the wheel but I am finding it is happening even as a passenger. The motion and speed is setting me off.
I have been on the verge of tears every time I go in Walmart and trying to do a quick shop and realize I am running out of steam and I still have to check out and get the groceries in my car and drive home. My family sits home on their butts and lets me do it all. Now I will tell you while I could do it maybe the exercise was very healthy for me even if I resented it. I will admit that. But come on. I have had to call and ask for help crying and shaking and then they act annoyed to have to come and help me check out. That is with riding the disability scooter. It hurts me to my core that they don't get it. My dad really is no better. He gives me this annoyed look like what a drag it is that these episodes are increasing. Yeah I don't like it either. His sisters have had similar issues so it is most likely his side of the family I inherited this from yet he still seems to have no compassion or not a level that makes me feel cared about. It's push and do and pretend I am normal when I am not.
I have tried sitting down to talk  with them with no improvement  Right before we realized how bad my mom's situation was I had confronted her personally and told her I just felt like her help was dropping off like she did not care ( yeah we know why now ) but what she said was interesting she said yeah I am caught right in the middle. So it made me think it was my dad that was wanting to dismiss the idea that anything was wrong with me and allow me to keep pushing to try to be normal. He made the comment over and over I have gotten better because I have to because mom is gone and she only helped a small amount with what I have going on trying to raise the kids. It was such an insult. I think it all relates to him just not wanting to accept his daughter is not normal. Husband too which scares me if he realized how bad off I really am he has threatened divorce on multiple occasions and if he really knew how bad off I was he might leave me for good. Any way it's hard number one to be so limited number two to be so alone in it and I figured you all would get it. 
I am wearing a holter monitor for a month because at my last check up I told my doctor the episodes have increased in fact I had one on the way trying to drive to her office. She did an EKG as soon as I got there. But she wants to see what my heart is doing. 
So any way if nothing else maybe I can try to offer support for others in a similar situation as I am and also get support. I really don't expect for things to magically improve for me health wise or magically getting help from my family. 
Oh also it is so crazy but we just went through two house appraisals one in about June and the other August and I was able to get this place ready virtually on my own and the place was trashed. I did it twice. So I don't even know how I did that. I worked for hours on end. Yes I got chest pain but pushed through and I did it and felt okay. Whether that caused a huge relapse for me I do not know. But the amount of work I was able to pull off compared to where I am now is difficult to comprehend. 

This was very helpful. Thank you.

Yes for me stress can cause a big flare. I also am experiencing a relapse and even though I solved some of the issues causing the stress my body now is stuck in that pattern. I imagine it will take me several weeks to start feeling myself again. Try to limit stress if you can and give yourself time to regroup. 

I was just contacted by a family member who seems to have two of the mutations connected with this gene. I am pursuing getting tested myself for this.

I see a neuropsychologist and she has helped me.

She really swears by 20 minutes twice per day of deep breathing to help improve the tone of the parasympathetic nervous system.

I am doing a meditation program (free) by Deepak Chopra right now that was advertised on facebook that has some great info on mindfulness type thinking too.

My panic and agoraphobia tend to come and go too.

Keep exposing yourself regularly to keep yourself desensitized,

If you've been spending more time at home that's when for me it gets harder and harder to think about going out.

I get out almost daily. So it's basically routine for me.

I can think I'm okay but then very quickly realize I am not.

I just am so limited in what I can do each day that is my big challenge.

And I still have the extensive allergies and very low weight to deal with.

I will feel almost norm and think okay like the other day I did my shopping which takes me only 10-15 minutes on the disability scooter.

I had paid and it hit me I forgot to buy tomato soup. My son had asked for it for lunch.

So I got up off the scooter and thought I can grab this one thing.

Well I didn't get very far and I was huffing and puffing from a somewhat normal feeling prior.

I just don't have any stamina.

Another article I found very helpful.

This is pathetic but we happen to be out of printer paper at the moment.

If I can get some in time I'm going to take a copy of this article printed out for my neuropsychologist appt tomorrow,

I need to get her on board with POTS and help her understand why I am stimulated the way I am by my sympathetic nervous system.

It is very physical and not psychologically based.

I think just one more thing that comes to mind and this seems simple but I froze.

Be ready to list some things that you do while sedentary.

I have done so many things like jigsaw puzzles, word search, online scrabble, reading magazines, books or newspaper, reqding inspirational quotes, playing games with kids, helping with homework, writing out checks for bills, sorting through mail and other misc, folding laundry etc, peeling potatoes, stirring baking mixes like cookies or murfins, I really choked on this for some reason. I think I feel self conscious of how much time I do soend on the internet no 1 and it was a question that I thought of months back but then did not anticipate in my trial prep.

So maybe it wasn't a big deal but that is something to be ready to give some examples of ways you pass the time if you are planning to go for disability.

Kudos to you Naomi for everything that you put into this and also all the work your attorney did,

Maybe as she reviews your case that will pay off.

Everyone says that getting disabiltity is a tough thing near impossible is what some people claim and today we got to experience why that is.

I started questioning right away when I was looking at length of time that hearings last-I read anywhere from 25 minutes to an hour how in the world we could share our experience the whole depth of our trials and tribulations in that time period.

I have had experience taking it up a notch with activity and it has not gone well at all.

I either see cognitive issues or physical ones which if they don't present right away I end up laid out the next several days.

I don't know that rehabilitation is even possible based on that.

Thankyou.

The only other thing that I got really mixed up on was the dates I went part time.

My last day worked,

When I left my employer.

There was quite a bitof questioning as to this.

So if you can have those figured out and written down that may help.

I had about 3-4 changes,

One was a switch from full time to part time, then to PRN on call basis. Even at that I went for a period of 6 months that I was not able to go in at all before I received basically what was a termination letter.

I'm mainly thinking of the things that I wish I would have known going in that I didn't just from lack of experience.

I really didn't have much time with my attorney just 15 minutes prior to the hearing.

I wish we would have had more time.

Oh it went okay.

I think I just got a reality check as to the process of the disability hearing,

I think it's just the reality of it.

They found that I could do no jobs so my chances are at least decent.

I just overall felt that with everything we go through with POTS there wasn't a real audience for POTS education or info.

I highlighted the fact I was so ill I could not take care of my kids had to move in with my parents on three different occasion.

And that when I walked up the hall at work my heartrate went to 179-190.

There was a day I had to call an ambulance. My heart was in an abnormal rhythm.

I gathered enough strength to get up out of that ambulance and finish my day.

I tried so hard to keep working.

There were other occasions though where I experienced presyncope at work that got pretty bad and called 911 left and was down for the rest of the day.

Perhaps she'll find time to do POTS research after the hearing because she seemed puzzled as to why these things would be happening to me.

I'm waiting on a decision and that's okay. : )

I'm not sure we were able to speak much to the POTS and I'm not sure there was a chance to explain much about it actually. The good news is she didn't bring up the anxiety question.

It seemed she was focused in on symtpoms particularly.

There was no medical examiner there.

It seemed she just wanted to get it over with.

It was mentioned that I had West Nile Virus and chicken pox and that all of the symptoms started after,

The hearing was about 45 minutes in length.

I'm not sure what advice if we look to this as what could be done differently?

My medical history was kind of weavy windy because I did not know what was happening to me at first and went to a nurse therapist who accused me of being anorexic and non med complient which did not sit well with the judge, it seemed she focused in more on that then the nice summary my doctor added at the end clearly outlining my restrictions.

I could not take the meds because I reacted to them and I lost the weight when I got sick and have not been able to gain it back. That is what I told the judge. I currently eat between 1 1/2 to 2 pounds of meat daily and I eat every hour.

It would be nice if we could have inaccurate medical reports stricken from out record to avoid this type of zeroing in on the wrong facts which weren't accurate in the first place.

But I think as people usually state the medical records hold the key so having a doctor who understands where you are at and the limitations you face seems to be my best advice.

Any other questions maybe myself or some of the other members that have been through it can answer.

I never had a chance to talk about my IV iron and how expensive it is that insurance won't cover. I'm not sure she wanted to hear that.

It seems like in the impression I have of this a lot of information potentially gets left out but maybe I just don't understand the process.

I am almost glad now that it happened because I'm going to work very hard to not go into this state at my hearing.

I had to go in to my previous employer to get my retirement money released because I'm moving it to a different fund.

Well that was enough pressure already and then my boss came up and asked the dreaded question.

"How are you doing?" talk about opening a can of worms.

And you know what part of the issue was by the time I left I was so muddled and confused I no longer had a sense of what I had even communicated whether I was able to relay anything at all.

As a result for my hearing I am completing a very concise list of information that I know will be asked so I can be accurate and to the point with my responses and not waste time rambling and then miss the opportunity to present information that would better convey my limitations.

Maybe I can compensate this way by knowing what I don't want to do. I obviously don't want a repeat of what happened yesterday especially during something as crucial as my hearing.

Joann what you are describing fits me.

And the only reason why I'm saying it is it helps me remember to read what you are writing otherwise it feels like a distant memory of a nightmare.

I'm not trying to convince you of anything.

It was so crazy in the beginning symptoms were all over the place and intensified until I was on bed rest for about a year.

Either it took it's course or it took the just going flat for that long for everything to settle down.

My body was just like fireworks going off inside I never knew what was coming next.

I had many tests too and they suspected pheo next it was suggested I might have carcenoid syndrome which I just tested negative for about 5 months ago.

I also had the unbelievable fear too Joann that you mention in some of your posts and I could not get a handle on it. I felt if someone didn't figure something out and do something I was going to die.

If this gives you any hope I obviously didn't.

I did start very slowly and gradually having less of the terrifying symptoms.

I had both symptoms that you describe feeling as if my body was no longer breathing on it's own and needing to mechanically breathe. During this time my diaphragm did feel very weak almost paralyzed along with the other chest muscles that help us breathe so it was laborious and painful when this happened. The other was feeling as if I was not getting oxygen and suffocating. Each session of these would last maybe an hour. The other for me was feeling as if everything was tightening up and it would start down low in the base of the lungs and move higher until it felt like I only had maybe the top 1/4 of my lungs able to work and exchange air.

All of these situations were very anxiety producing,

I was not able to climb stairs, read a book, laugh, get animated with voice or have very long phone conversations. I would feel as if The wind was knocked out of me and I was starving for oxygen.

There are times now while active I have to pace my breath because it seems my body can't handle several activities at once like walking and breathing. Or it's like my bodies screaming more oxygen more oxygen and so I start to hyperventilate if I don't take steps to counteract that.

The situations I described first got much better for me so I hope that can happen for some of you too because the symptoms really are awful to go thhrough, I still have difficulty with climbing stairs and It has not been that long ago that these things happened for me so I am still cautious of what I do that requires air volume. I can't remember the other term right now sorry POTS brain.

I am not on any meds.

I think I feel such a level of frustration because I am really trying to share and it's just hopeless.

The harder I try the worse it gets yes and I leave exhausted and hyped up at the same time and then almost feel humiliated like what just happened.

I think I need to just not talk.

Let the other person talk or ask questions because when I get on a roll it's just like a giant train wreck.

It was all I could do to drive home after.