How do you deal with your fear?

[Dieteid]

Hi all, can't be diagnosed but I've got catatonia with dysautonomia. So, as a teen I would head to school, do stuff automatically since automatic obedience, cant talk at school, go home, lie on the floor until the next morning unable to move, can't sleep since I'm cold, brain fog from sleep debt and then do it again. Dysautomia kicked in after a few years of this.

I passed high school by doing everything in school hours, went to uni, where I tried to figure out the cause. Adhd meds kicked my body into moving around, for 6 hours per day, which was epic. Still, voluntary movement slowed to a stop in the evenings and night. I got 0% for a few semesters in a row. In high school, you can do the assignments in class and submit it in class. In uni, it's all submitted online. I can't submit stuff when I can't move, plus the workload meant I couldn't just do it within a few hours or at uni. It was also way more free, so I couldn't just obediently do whatever the teacher said and be led from class to class (which I did not enjoy but just saying). It led to a negative spiral where I would be too anxious to go to classes since I got 0%. When I'm too anxious I can't move. I really tried to fix this and did all sorts of stuff for a few years, like study groups at uni, different therapies, asked if I could take tests or in-class assessments instead of home assignments (nope). I kept getting 0 despite my efforts and eventually got kicked out. Once I was out, I could actually think, move a lot easier, and do things I wanted to do more. My stress dropped tons.

Pretty sure I'm hypersensitive to "pressure", and that made me flop and dissociate in response to deadlines where another person would get stressed but not terrified. I think everything that would normally help someone in a school system was almost working against me. A bit like how teaching someone how to drive by making them crash their car every day would never work. That system was way too stressful for my body to cope with, not the learning material, just the existance of deadlines.

 

Point is, uh that was terrifying. Things are actually good now. I don't want to go through that again, but I need money. Work and earning money is a massive pressure, and once I start, I know I can't just stop or think clearly enough to make decisions. I'm scared of being trapped in my head again. Much more than having no money. But I need to move forward and not let fear control my decisions, like, maybe making passive income is better. That way, I'm not dealing with deadlines, clients, a boss, any additional stresses. I think having dysautonomia or chronic illnesses in general would lead to having fears similar to this. Maybe not the exact same, just, "I don't want that to happen again". How do you deal with your fear and move forward in your life?

[Pistol]

@Dieteid I am so sorry you had to go through that! What a horrible experience! I was in a similar ( but different ) situation. When I worked I started to pass out and have seizures from HPOTS at work. They did everything they could to keep me employed - shorter shifts, desk work, using a wheel chair to go between departments etc. Nothing worked, and the fear of eventually losing my job caused extreme anxiety and stress, which in turn made the symptoms worse. If I did computer work and the phone rang and I got overwhelmed - bang, on the floor I lay! So needless to say I had to stop working. Applying for disability took two years and this process also was nerve racking. I became depressed and eventually homebound ( still am ). Once I got approved by SSDI things got better and I was secure again. 

To fight complete inactivity I started to do different volunteer chores from home, and this helped me a lot. I also exercise and stay on top of chores. What are you good at - is there any job you can do part time from home, at your own speed? maybe data entry or medical transcription? Research? If you are good on a computer you can set up a business selling items online for Others? 

[Dieteid]

@Pistol Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through that too, the feeling of nothing working and the stress of it all is really not fun. Also, thanks for including the part where you applied for disability, because I'm in the middle of figuring all that out myself.

I definitely want to fight total inactivity, in my case it's a bit of a slippery slope. Things like exercise, doing things I enjoy, staying somewhat busy, going outside, is actually recommended for the type of catatonia I have. It all builds up momentum. Which kinda sounds simple but with needing to make money as well I've just been totally stressing about the money, so you give good advice. 

I do art, so I have stuff like YouTube, online store, Patreon set up, and they make like 10 bucks a month haha. That's more long term I think. I've been struggling to find/think of part time jobs that are not as slow as passive income, but not as stressful/demanding as a typical job. Research or medical transcription sounds like it's up my alley, if you know more about it I'd be interested.

[JennKay]

@Dieteid -- I'm also sorry to hear that you have been through so much in your life! I haven't been dealing with things as long as you have, but I've definitely had times when I was super depressed and wasn't sure how things would be going forward. I found that therapy helped me process a lot of what I am/was dealing with -- I am super sensitive to medications and preferred not to try the SSRI that one doctor prescribed me. Therapy has helped me the most with the fear of the unknown.

[Dieteid]

@JennKay Thanks so much for reading what I wrote, I know it was a lot. Also thanks for suggesting therapy. Yeah, I think processing it is an important part of handling fear. It's very helpful to see someone else's perspective so I really appreciate it.