Family just doesn't get it....

[lieze]

Hi I've had POTS now for 9 years. I was doing a bit better but since the beginning of the summer I started having what resemble panic attacks but maybe they are POTS episodes. It's not that much of a shock really however I had been doing better and was even able to put on a couple pounds so my instincts tell me I should be a little stronger not weaker. I had been horribly underweight still am but to me to get up to 95 pounds is way better than sitting at 89. Also I had a horrible time going through menopause but all that has stopped so I am no longer experiencing large amounts of blood loss monthly another plus right? I've been period free now for a year and a half. The added stress is my mom died of cancer May 2017. And I try to look out for my dad now which entails calling him every night at 7 and talking for about an hour. In the beginning I had him over for meals about twice a week and took him food but now I am down to having him 1 day a week and holidays. Recent stress as he has decided to date and all he wants to talk about is his woman to me which is extremely distressing. He is 77 and will be 78 soon and I'm noticing age related changes with him so huge concern I've had starting in with mom and continued with dad. 
I have four children ages 19,17,14, and 12. I am alone with them left with their care while their dad works out of town weekly and also escapes weekends to another house we have. 
I had hoped when mom died my dad would help me but he is not geared that way. He is all about entertaining himself in his old age. So he is hopping over to see his lady 3-4 times a week and all meals he takes her out for. 
So even though I am the disabled one I have all 6 of us plus dad to shop for, cook for, clean for, do laundry for. I'm telling you this in nuts. My family can't get through their heads that I am disabled.
Recently I am having issues driving where I go into episodes behind the wheel but I am finding it is happening even as a passenger. The motion and speed is setting me off.
I have been on the verge of tears every time I go in Walmart and trying to do a quick shop and realize I am running out of steam and I still have to check out and get the groceries in my car and drive home. My family sits home on their butts and lets me do it all. Now I will tell you while I could do it maybe the exercise was very healthy for me even if I resented it. I will admit that. But come on. I have had to call and ask for help crying and shaking and then they act annoyed to have to come and help me check out. That is with riding the disability scooter. It hurts me to my core that they don't get it. My dad really is no better. He gives me this annoyed look like what a drag it is that these episodes are increasing. Yeah I don't like it either. His sisters have had similar issues so it is most likely his side of the family I inherited this from yet he still seems to have no compassion or not a level that makes me feel cared about. It's push and do and pretend I am normal when I am not.
I have tried sitting down to talk  with them with no improvement  Right before we realized how bad my mom's situation was I had confronted her personally and told her I just felt like her help was dropping off like she did not care ( yeah we know why now ) but what she said was interesting she said yeah I am caught right in the middle. So it made me think it was my dad that was wanting to dismiss the idea that anything was wrong with me and allow me to keep pushing to try to be normal. He made the comment over and over I have gotten better because I have to because mom is gone and she only helped a small amount with what I have going on trying to raise the kids. It was such an insult. I think it all relates to him just not wanting to accept his daughter is not normal. Husband too which scares me if he realized how bad off I really am he has threatened divorce on multiple occasions and if he really knew how bad off I was he might leave me for good. Any way it's hard number one to be so limited number two to be so alone in it and I figured you all would get it. 
I am wearing a holter monitor for a month because at my last check up I told my doctor the episodes have increased in fact I had one on the way trying to drive to her office. She did an EKG as soon as I got there. But she wants to see what my heart is doing. 
So any way if nothing else maybe I can try to offer support for others in a similar situation as I am and also get support. I really don't expect for things to magically improve for me health wise or magically getting help from my family. 
Oh also it is so crazy but we just went through two house appraisals one in about June and the other August and I was able to get this place ready virtually on my own and the place was trashed. I did it twice. So I don't even know how I did that. I worked for hours on end. Yes I got chest pain but pushed through and I did it and felt okay. Whether that caused a huge relapse for me I do not know. But the amount of work I was able to pull off compared to where I am now is difficult to comprehend. 

Edited November 24, 2018 by lieze
correction

[KristaKupcake]

I am so sorry you are going through this Lieze. It is hard enough not being well, let alone dealing with unsupportive family. Do you have any close friends that are understanding and could offer help? You are a champion for doing all that you do! I really hope that your POTS isn’t getting worse and hopefully the holter monitor results can give you piece of mind. Given all that you have been going through, I wouldn’t be surprised if it is anxiety episodes, but I’m glad you are getting it looked into just to be safe. Do you think your kids could start helping? I wish I could offer more help / advice to you. Hopefully venting on here will help. *hugs*

[bombsh3ll]

Lieze i am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand how difficult it can be dealing with insensitive, and in your case it sounds like downright selfish, family members.

My husband has been very supportive but I know it wears him down. My dad is also 78, he has features of EDS which i clearly inherited it from but he 's never really had any limitations from it, and he really struggled to accept my illness for the longest time. He helps me a lot practically, but I pay for it in terms of upsetting comments & frequently having to 're-explain my illness.

I think sometimes we just have to be blunt and protect our fragile bodies and hearts. If your dad can date, he can probably shop & do his own chores too. Your kids are certainly of an age they should be helping you, not letting you go alone to buy all their food etc on a mobility scooter. i would feel ashamed if i were an able bodied youngster expecting my disabled parent to do that. My little two are 9&5 they do age appropriate things in the house to help.

Your husband's threats to divorce you for being unwell are cruel - do you get anything out of a relationship with someone like that aside from financial security? It may be worth just for some peace of mind finding out where you would stand in terms of settlement - you may just be needlessly living in fear of something that to an objective outsider would look like a blessing rather than a catastrophe.

I hope you can make your family see they are being deeply unfair. You aren't being unreasonable at all, & you didn't ask for dysautonomia.

Another basic thing sorry if you've already tried or it isn't available where you live, but I'm largely housebound  & order in all our food& household items online. If I have to be disabled, i am thankful to God that we live in a time with such technology. Imagine being like this 30 years ago, no diagnosis, no online anything, never connecting with anyone else in the world with the same disease as you, or even knowing there was anyone else with it!

I hope this makes you feel a little less alone. Look after yourself,

B x

[StayAtHomeMom]

I am sorry you feel used. Honestly I have seen people do what you do and not be disabled and still can't handle it. 

Personally I would tell them all to go take a leap. I know they are family and that is a big thing to me but if you can't do it then you can't do it. You have to stay within your limits so you can function. 

As a cheat for shopping, Wal-Mart and a few other grocery stores deliver or you can order online and then just pick it up. They even load it into your car. 

These episodes sound panicky. I get something similar. It looks like a panic attack but my mind is clear. Mine is noise related. Sirens from police and fire trucks make my body freak out. Do you take any meds?

[statesof]

Hi @lieze I'm sorry your going through this and I can only share my personal experience around family members and my illness, since our situations are quite different. For me it took at least a year or so for my family to start to get that I was pretty ill, the main issue I believe is that I physically look fine. So for a while I was still asked to lift heavy things around the house, expected to go to family events or grocery shopping at large stores and to be able to do all the physical stuff I was capable of before. After a while, and it took a number of sit down talks and going to doctor's appointments, and my asking to be dropped off rather than walk, they started to get that I could not do what I was capable of before.

More recently I got a powered wheelchair so I can do the things my body just can't any more, and even with this I had to introduce the fact that I needed this, and really explain to my family and friends why so that they could understand. And I still had a little judgment with my parents around not wanting for me to rely on it. But here is the thing, what my parents did not understand is that accepting my limitation and not always physically overdoing it for their sake means that my quality of life goes way up, and I don't have to feel physically and mentally like garbage everyday - but you wouldn't notice this by just looking at me which is the only point of view they have.

The other side of family and friends accepting/ understanding my condition was that I actually stopped doing the things that made me sick. So I can't walk far or lift anything heavy, so when my family/ friends etc. ask me to do so I have to let them know I cannot and then I actually don't do it, even if it makes me feel bad about it because it used to be something so easy for me. But every time today that I choose to not say something and do it anyways, for the sake of either awkwardness or living up to someone else's prior expectation of me, I have to know that I am choosing to feel sick because no one can make me do anything. This all being said, once my family/ friends understood my limitations and I was able to give them a name for it (POTS), I found that they were fine with it and having to do some extra stuff to help me out like drop me off and then park a car or anything like that was not anything that they weren't gladly willing to help out with.

[Pistol]

@lieze - I also am so sorry about your situation. Dysautonomia or not - you are in burn-out mode. I know it very well. Regarding your POTS: there is a very good video and also brochure for family of dysautonomia patients on the dysautonomia project web site, as well as on ndrf.org ( national dysautonomia research foundation ). You could give these to your family to read. And you have to stop driving and shopping, sorry to say. I was in your shoes and continued to work and push through my symptoms in the beginning of my illness and it made everything worse. It would make sense to talk to your physician about your situation and your symptoms, this is not something you can work through by yourself. And you need to take a time-out. Did you mention your husband has another house where he retreats to? YOU should be the one to retreat!!!! --- Regarding your insensitive family: your father sounds very needy and at this stage there will most likely be nothing you can do to change that. If he is going to date - good, let her take care of him. At his age and with symptoms of dementia setting in he will only get worse and you cannot talk sense with him, I know because I have older parents and in-laws as well. So - it may be in your best interest to step back as much as you can, he will use all of your energy that you should spend on your kids. They are your first priority. And they CAN help YOU - explain to them that you are at the moment not able to do everything you are expected to do and that if you don't get a break you will end up bedridden. You can use the above mentioned brochure and video to explain. Ask them what chores they would be willing and able to take over. And also - take someone with you for shopping trips. My husband does all of the shopping but if I do go I go in a wheel chair and he does the check out. Your older kids can go along - regardless if they complain. --- And the one thing I am most concerned about is your husband. I am not sure what type of relationship you have but it sounds like he also needs to be sat down and be explained what the consequences will be if you do not get some help. With him working out-of-town it is probably difficult for him to assist with the chores and shopping etc but there are many other things he can take off your shoulders. --- Again - please have a honest talk with your physician and let him review the meds you are taking. Also - have him check Vit D and Vit B12 levels. These are common deficiencies that cause POTS to worsen and contribute to fatigue, lack of energy and burn-out and can easily be supplemented. I wish you only the best - take care of YOURSELF!!! And put those kids to work - they may be a little spoiled? But if they know how bad you feel and realize what will happen when you cannot drive and have to spend all day in bed they might wake up - in the end they love you. 

[bombsh3ll]

11 hours ago, statesof said:

More recently I got a powered wheelchair so I can do the things my body just can't any more, and even with this I had to introduce the fact that I needed this, and really explain to my family and friends why so that they could understand. And I still had a little judgment with my parents around not wanting for me to rely on it.

It is such a shame we face attitudes like this and have to "justify" using a mobility aid. Like anybody wants to have to buy a wheelchair, just for a laugh!

B x

[lieze]

There is so much to reply to here I want to thank everyone for their comments and support.

There was an incident just a week ago that broke me down to tears right in a public place. It is true if I push myself too far I will most likely bring on an episode and possibly be grounded for days because my heart pounds so hard it causes my chest to hurt for days. Anyway I too also just purchased a mobility device. I had put it off all this time. When I first found out I was going to be awarded my disability I asked could I please get one and my husband responded NO! Well then when events came up that I really wanted to attend and couldn't do to the walking my husband would suggest really odd thing like he thought he could pull me in a children's wagon which just seemed as if it would be so humiliating and he seemed to have no sensitivity about it regarding how that would make me appear to others.

Back to my story I set the appt up to get my halter monitor on a Friday when he would be home and told him ahead of time I would like to take my new scooter that day to the hospital because I was certain there would be a lot of walking. That morning I got up and charged it. Had it ready to go but he did nothing to get the trailer together to haul it. He really is lazy. I know it is difficult to believe anyone could be that way but he is. It's his only excuse he just doesn't want to be bothered with things like that. So here comes the time to leave and he's laying on the couch and says shall we take the car? I didn't know what else to do I wanted to cancel the appt so I said okay. Oh the emotions. All the way there he was chatting up a storm trying to take focus off the fact he had just refused to go along with what I had planned and taken over. He is a control freak too. The problem is the more he did that the worse my emotions got. He said he would push me in a wheelchair which I have a phobia about using public things like that imagining they are crawling with germs. I get sick at the drop of a hat. So he drops me at the door. I go in and sit and I see how far it is even to get to the information desk but I go up and ask and get directions. He looks around and says he sees no wheelchair and at that point I am so hopping mad I just take off and start walking and feel like crap. The pressure starts in my chest. When we get in the elevator I stooped to try to give myself a break from standing and then walked on to the waiting area outside the cardiac dept. He could see I was struggling and offered to go check me in. I couldn't help it. I sat down propped my legs up and the tears just started flowing just everything the entire situation. How I got myself in a spot How it all happened so last minute and I felt I had no control to speak up and say anything at all. How I felt I should just be thankful he took me. How I should just be happy to ride in a wheelchair even though they were these weird tubular looking things. I was just looking at that wheelchair not wanting to get in one. Not wanting that to be my life. And thinking what has my life come to that I can't even walk that far or have to be afraid that I am really going to mess myself up good. The entire thing I just sat there with the tears rolling unable to say a word for fear I would look ungrateful or just start a fight or make it worse. Just so misunderstood. Thinking wow I guess I need to go spend more money and buy some type of lift for the back of my vehicle so I do not have to depend on the generosity or willingness of others but then trying to figure out if I really can be independent enough to operate all of that on my own and not bring on a similar episode from all the activity it would take to manage all of that. I really honestly often feel to frail for all of that. Whether I am I have no clue. That is one of my issues is not knowing what is safe for me or okay and what is not.
To me it would only make sense if you do not exercise  you will get weaker. How do we push ourselves and stay active keep our strength without somehow putting ourselves into jeopardy? I wish I knew what that line was of keeping up strength and stamina without overdoing it because I would do it every day. I don't like being so unsure of what I can do what I can't. So vulnerable. 

So in the end I walked up had my emotional meltdown in front of everyone there and walked down and was fine and in the end I can say that exercise is probably good for me when I can do it without incident and am safe. But man I hate it all I hate feeling so vulnerable and helpless. I don't like feeling like a helpless child especially when I have taken steps to aid myself and have a plan and I just can't get cooperation. My whole life flashes before my eyes that this is the way it's always going to be and I get depressed. 
And then I question what is wrong with me that I struggle to balance my emotions so much and let them overwhelm me that way. It's just tough al the way around the entire thing I really struggle with it.

[lieze]

Honest answer do I have a friend that can help. I do not think it would be safe to bring a single female into my home admits to me she is lonely wants sex etc etc. To bring her here at all at times when my husband would be here and they were crossing paths. I am not that secure in my marriage to do that. I am sorry for the bluntness but that is the reality. She just 6 months ago had a guy from work interested in her. He was married had 3 kids and she was gonna go for it. Didn't care. She was only thinking about meeting her own needs. In the shape my marriage is everything related no. I cannot risk it. Best friend or not I cannot trust her or him. 
And honestly everything I know about her she is one of the nicest people I know so if she would do things like that many other women would too. I cannot risk it period. It would have to be a person who was not a threat that way if I was lucky enough to find help.

[bombsh3ll]

That sounds like a horrible experience with your husband at the hospital. He doesn't sound like he does very much for you at all, and actually you are probably a lot more vulnerable with him than without him. If you had been able to transport your scooter, your trip to the hospital would have probably been a lot more manageable. Couldn't one or both of your older children help load it onto the trailer? 

I don't think I would let the fear of another woman seducing him prevent you from accepting help from a female friend. It doesn't sound as if he has many attributes that would make him appealing in the first instance, but if he did leave, it may end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. You would probably be a lot better off alone with your kids, especially as two of them are practically adults, than with all the extra stress and burden he is causing you. 

In practical terms, I can't walk far either, or stand in one place at all. I have a rollator for short distances, and a self-propelled wheelchair for longer trips. I can lift both in and out of the car myself, but the wheelchair is heavy. If I go out with my family, I walk pushing my wheelchair as much as I can. It doesn't bother me what people think - they wouldn't get out of bed if they were me. The good thing about the wheelchair is that when I need to sit in it, I can continue where I am going, either propelling myself or being pushed. The rollator is light though, and folds easily into the boot of our small car. It sounds like just the thing that might help you for hospital trips like that where you can walk a bit but need frequent sits. The downside though is when you park and sit, that's where you are until you can walk again. You can't wheel yourself in it or be pushed by someone else. If you wanted to look at this it is called drive nitro. 

I don't think having them has led to any worse deconditioning, because my wheelchair has allowed me to go places and walk a bit that I wouldn't have been able to at all without it.

Take care,

B x

[lieze]

Yes my older two boys might help load the scooter. My 17 year old is not driving yet mostly because I cannot get husband to spend the hours behind the wheel with him needed. He has already had drivers ed and I have tried to drive with him some but he still has his temps. 

On this occasion I did schedule my appt for later in day but my oldest is in college- he commutes but was not home yet that day. My other son also still in school. I had thought of that though that I may need to get my boys to help with trips like that. Learn how to hitch the trailer etc. so maybe that can work some of the time going forward. 

I am grateful for what I can do but normal life stuff is a real challenge and I am sure you all can relate.

The idea of having the friend any way letting whatever happens. Oh I could not handle the stress of it. Talk about an emotional nightmare and then I would basically lose them both in the end. I cannot afford to do it. I would forever feel upset being around them and emotionally affected if something like that happened. 

I am quite certain stress makes everything going on with my heart worse so I just look at what is the easiest way. I would have to be pretty desperate to agree to a scenario like that. 

I think one of the issues for me is comparing myself having the expectations as you would for a normal healthy person and not being able to let go of that. That’s one of my biggest issues and then even when I try to let go I have others still holding me to those expectations or judging me.  I get overwhelmed easily too and that does not help me or the situation either one. So reminding me to take one day at a time. Celebrate and rejoice and feel accomplished for each thing I do.

I actually feel guilty because there might be those who are much more limited and would look at my life and say wow you can do so much yet you are so unhappy and see me as ungrateful. I really do want to find myself in a place where I feel I accept, where I feel blessed and am thankful for each day and celebrate the good. How do we get there? Are we there and just don’t know it because life can be so crazy?

The closest I ever got was when my mom was still living. I could go and just find quiet. Away from all responsibility and issues. I could just chill and pass over to her the responsibilities of the kids for a while. Maybe it was not fair to her I am sorry mom if it wasn’t but as someone mentioned above I did not have a husband to share those responsibilities with and I was so burned out my body and mind and soul needed it. 

My kids are older now so they don’t need me the same ways. The ongoing though of everything for so many years takes it’s toll. 

I had an aunt who had four kids and then when she had grandkids really showed no interest. I think I get it. I think it is possible to get totally burned out with the kids. They do not want to help they do not appreciate anything you do for them and are very much into just wanting to do their own thing and I think it’s somewhat normal and just the reality of how kids are. To experience different I think would come from a remarkable child. The one way I get help with chores around the house is I have a couple boys that like to earn money to spend on Xbox so they will come and say I need to make $5. Or whatever so I always take them right up on their request. 

I also have tried to simplify our home as much as possible to make it easier to clean.

I have the robot sweeper and the robot mop and then just purchased a lightweight floor cleaner for our hard wood and tile. I can use it a little or get the kids to run it for me and it is fairly easy and efficient to use. 

So I try every way I can to make things simple so it requires less fuss. 

Also can you believe I am developing the skill of trading stocks? Unbelievable that I would get into that. But I had hoped if I could make enough money investing I could actually hire help. The market is down right now so that has not materialized yet but I am not  giving up on that fantasy.  They say it takes five years to learn and time is something I have plenty of. 

So I guess my goal is to feel some control in my life rather than allowing the condition to control me.

Meds have been a no go for me. I tried Atenolol early on and my bp’s are way too low for that. The only other meds I tried were Zoloft. I saw a nurse therapist when this all started that put me in that and it seemed to help a little but I got a horrible rash all over and when I continued to take it horrible flu symptoms so I stopped. I felt I was not tolerating or reacting to the med. Same story with Xanax. It helped then reaction. Same with Benadryl for the food reactions I was getting. At first a tiny bit of Bedadryl helped then I reacted to the Benadryl. I take nothing. Not even Tylenol or Motrin for headache or fever. Nothing feels safe any more. 

[StayAtHomeMom]

I would try a low dose beta blocker again. And there is also midodrine to help raise your BP. These are the meds I take and it controls my BP in all positions, and keeps my HR from shooting up as often. Occasionally I get breakthrough tachycardia but just walking and driving to the doctor's office I can do. I drive 3 hours one way to see my specialist by myself. 

I think if you could get enough assistance to be more independent your stress levels would come down and you might feel better. Whether it be a person or medication. Then you won't have to rely on your hubby or kids and won't be so upset when something doesn't go your way. 

Out of curiosity have you had therapy for yourself since you were diagnosised?

[lieze]

Yes I do see a neuropsychologist. She refers to most of my issues as anxiety so I am not sure how helpful that really is. I do not really feel heard like recognizing this is a real limitation I have. 

It’s amazing that you are able to drive so far on your own StayAtHomeMom. I have at times done some driving and trips I think in the back of my mind though it made me nervous to do it alone. I just never knew when symptoms would come on or I would get exhausted. 

[lieze]

I honestly have difficulty with the amount of talking the therapy sessions require. I cannot talk at a normal pace for the length of time required to give her information without starting to feel very lightheaded. I really end up getting flabbergasted in the office. 

[lieze]

And I also don’t want it to seem that I just become overly emotional every time things don’t go my way. 

The workload number one can be huge and I can feel very alone in it. My requests for help get dismissed etc. Number two I am okay with things not happening quite the way I hope so long as there is a reasonable explanation as to why and a plan for resolution I could be satisfied with that. But the feeling of getting no where with same issue same result is frustrating. Those are the elements that are frustrating to me.  I could deal with a plan and a timeline that would take into consideration all resources and everyone’s well being. What I don’t like is continually being dismissed. I am not sure anyone would be satisfied with that scenario. 

[StayAtHomeMom]

33 minutes ago, lieze said:

I honestly have difficulty with the amount of talking the therapy sessions require. I cannot talk at a normal pace for the length of time required to give her information without starting to feel very lightheaded. I really end up getting flabbergasted in the office. 

See if she would be willing to read a journal to get things started so that you don't have to exhaust yourself trying to tell her everything going on. Also 1/2 tablet of dramimine (the OTC motion sickness med) could help with those dizzies. 

[StayAtHomeMom]

28 minutes ago, lieze said:

And I also don’t want it to seem that I just become overly emotional every time things don’t go my way. 

The workload number one can be huge and I can feel very alone in it. My requests for help get dismissed etc. Number two I am okay with things not happening quite the way I hope so long as there is a reasonable explanation as to why and a plan for resolution I could be satisfied with that. But the feeling of getting no where with same issue same result is frustrating. Those are the elements that are frustrating to me.  I could deal with a plan and a timeline that would take into consideration all resources and everyone’s well being. What I don’t like is continually being dismissed. I am not sure anyone would be satisfied with that scenario. 

Have you considered taking a vacation? Somewhere you don't have to do much unless you want. Just a few days to rejuvenate yourself? I never thought it could be so nice but I did a small vacation with my mom some years back. 4 days of no kids or hubby. No responsibility and I could do what I wanted at my pace. I missed my family those four days (first time I had spent more than 24 hours away from them). But when I got back I felt back to my old self. I felt like every little thing they did didn't bother me as much. I missed them and their irritating habits

[lieze]

14 hours ago, StayAtHomeMom said:

See if she would be willing to read a journal to get things started so that you don't have to exhaust yourself trying to tell her everything going on. Also 1/2 tablet of dramimine (the OTC motion sickness med) could help with those dizzies. 

I love this idea! It would help me tons if nothing else to make a little outline of what's been going on so I can be a bit organized. Health wise and other.

[lieze]

15 hours ago, StayAtHomeMom said:

Have you considered taking a vacation? Somewhere you don't have to do much unless you want. Just a few days to rejuvenate yourself? I never thought it could be so nice but I did a small vacation with my mom some years back. 4 days of no kids or hubby. No responsibility and I could do what I wanted at my pace. I missed my family those four days (first time I had spent more than 24 hours away from them). But when I got back I felt back to my old self. I felt like every little thing they did didn't bother me as much. I missed them and their irritating habits

I think I need to just come right out and say it. My husband has bipolar disorder so the stress I experience in my family is above average. When he is asked to do anything that is an inconvenience to him he blows his top. Not only does he refuse to help he has a meltdown. Will scream yell threaten to leave attack me verbally. It gets nasty. The one time not too long ago maybe 6 months I had asked him to go to the grocery and he threw a huge temper tantrum and threw the list at me. So what I deal with goes beyond irritating habits. As it is we are only together about 48 hours per week. He is gone that much either with work or even when he should be home he takes off and does other things or as I mentioned goes and goofs off at our other house. I have raised my kids on my own for the most part. So nothing about my situation is normal. In some ways the only thing that will solve part of the problem is just getting away period from all of it but I am not willing to desert my kids. They didn't ask for any of it. So I try to get through the best I can. I guess if I could just tolerate all his outbursts I could just keeping pushing for everything I can get from him but I am so sensitive and when he goes off on me it impacts me and my health. 
When he is home for a variety of reasons mainly my health I need all the help I can get from him and in reality he is willing to spend very little time that way.
I was hoping when mom died dad would pitch in and that hasn't really worked out either. So blah. It's just muddle through it for now.
My focus is and has been for years to get my kids raised. At my oldest son's graduation I was ready to get up and do the happy dance it was like one down three to go and then maybe I can be free of this h***.

[StayAtHomeMom]

51 minutes ago, lieze said:

I think I need to just come right out and say it. My husband has bipolar disorder so the stress I experience in my family is above average. When he is asked to do anything that is an inconvenience to him he blows his top. Not only does he refuse to help he has a meltdown. Will scream yell threaten to leave attack me verbally. It gets nasty. The one time not too long ago maybe 6 months I had asked him to go to the grocery and he threw a huge temper tantrum and threw the list at me. So what I deal with goes beyond irritating habits. As it is we are only together about 48 hours per week. He is gone that much either with work or even when he should be home he takes off and does other things or as I mentioned goes and goofs off at our other house. I have raised my kids on my own for the most part. So nothing about my situation is normal. In some ways the only thing that will solve part of the problem is just getting away period from all of it but I am not willing to desert my kids. They didn't ask for any of it. So I try to get through the best I can. I guess if I could just tolerate all his outbursts I could just keeping pushing for everything I can get from him but I am so sensitive and when he goes off on me it impacts me and my health. 
When he is home for a variety of reasons mainly my health I need all the help I can get from him and in reality he is willing to spend very little time that way.
I was hoping when mom died dad would pitch in and that hasn't really worked out either. So blah. It's just muddle through it for now.
My focus is and has been for years to get my kids raised. At my oldest son's graduation I was ready to get up and do the happy dance it was like one down three to go and then maybe I can be free of this h***.

I am sure that is not the best situation to be in.