Ready To Give Up My Passion-Beyond Depressed

[Kris4444]

So I bought an expensive ice vest to wear while I ride and it didn't help. Not even a little.

I know there are many of you that can't even get out of bed so me whining about not being able to ride my horse seems trivial and rude but it's my passion and truly what I love more than life itself.

I wrote a letter to my doctor at Mayo. I have Hyper Pots and I'm wanting to try going back on the clonidine again. He hasn't responded.

I'm sorry if this post really isn't going anywhere. I'm just so sad and ready to give up. I miss who I used to be. It's like a death...yet I'm still here.

[Katybug]

Kris,

Have you considered adjusting your riding goals instead of giving it up? Maybe give up showing. Then, you can ride to what your body will allow. That may only be walking during these hot months. Or maybe no riding in July and Aug but then you can ride in the other months that aren't as hot. If you adjust your expectations of what you have to accomplish, maybe you can keep riding.

[Kris4444]

I gave up showing for 7 years and somehow managed to get two shows in last year. It felt so good to be back...I just really thought I could do it again but apparently this body is not going to cooperate.

My Mom said exactly the same thing you did. Maybe only walk in July and August. I'm so driven though, so goal oriented. It's hard for me to get on and NOT work, even with vertigo and excessive sweating and then feeling the brunt of it over the next 24 hours. I just wish people understood what happens. Once I get over the excessive sweating and goosebumps and vertigo, then I go through whole different stage of being too cold and not being able to get my body temp up to normal. No amount of clothes or blankets help and then BOOM back to being overheated only this time it's a dry heat like a fever. It's exhausting.

I put a call in to my primary about IV fluids but honestly, until we can get the excess norepiniephrine under control, none of this is going to get better. I need to be back on clonidine or something similar and see if that helps. The primary never even called me back.

The thing I feel the worst about though is losing control. I got so pissed at my horse today. He wasn't cooperating and he was making things much more difficult than they needed to be, he knows better, but a week off of dressage work and he thought he could slack. I think the excess adrenaline makes me snap easier. I'm not an abusive person/rider but I lost it on him today and it just makes me want to sell him to someone who isn't so screwed up.

I have a lot going on at home too and it's all just too much. I can't stop crying over this and I know it's stupid. There are people much worse off than me but it's the little things in life that are keeping me going and right now, there isn't much of anything to look forward to.

Thanks for always chiming in Katie. I know you really get where i'm coming from

Kris

[headhunter]

Kris, I been there...

One thing to remember is that this condition is cyclical, so it can cycle right back to you being able to do this again. I had to give up many passions...just tonight was a softball game for National Night Out...;(

Just think of this as a temporary thing--it will be back

[Katybug]

In his defense, he probably wasn't slacking, he probably was reacting to you being wound tighter than a top. One of the things that this whole experience taught me was that I needed to be more mindful and more present, and, that included realizing that me horse was my barometer....a direct reflection of my mood and physical status came out in her behavior. If it became a fight, it was because she was resisting my bad energy. And, so, instead of resenting it, it gave me the choice to relax, forget about my goals and focus on being a more centered person. But, I had to be willing to listen to what she was telling me instead of walking into the situation with preconceived notions of what needed to happen. My horse has managed to teach me things about my emotional wellness and stability that the rest of the world couldn't but only once I was open to receiving the information from her.

Many dressage professionals would argue that the walk is the hardest gait to master. But, as I argue above, maybe you need to rethink what the "work" needs to be. There are many ways you can find what you're looking for with your horse if you are willing to explore that relationship in other ways.

[SarahA33]

Hi Kris,

I'm always pulling for you, just wanted to let you know that!

I know exactly how difficult the sweating, goosebumps, layering, too much layering, etc. is to control. It's really exhausting, and I'm sorry that it's limiting you right now. My NE levels are pretty high, and what I've found most useful especially is Propranolol, Clonidine and Ativan as a combination. This combination isn't for everyone, and it took a lot of time to find the right dosing, but it's been so helpful. Together they block as much of the adrenaline as they can. I'm not sure what your BP looks like these days, so that might be a challenge if it's on the lower end. Have you ever tried the Clonidine patch? When your primary does get in touch with you that may be something you could talk with him about as it could provide a continuous release in your system..

I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time right now. I remember you were one of the first people I identified with when I joined this site because we shared so many of the same physical symptoms and you were so kind to me. I've been able to start getting better, slowly but surely, and I think the same is possible for you. I had to get to the Cleveland Clinic and find the right doctors and medications for me. Would you consider going back to Mayo?

Thinking of you,

Sarah

[TWynnB]

Ah, Kris...I feel for you. Not necessarily in the horse aspect, although I used to have one, and my "surrogate mom" just gave me a gorgeous bracelet weaved from his tail hair. Just a few years ago, I was sad realizing I'll never have a horse again, more due to my career and family, I wasn't sick yet. Now? You wouldn't want me on a horse between my spastic muscles and my balance issues. I have cervical myelopathy as well (basically I'm a spinal cord injury patient), and like you, my dysautonomia is more mild. But put the two issues together and I'm a bit messed up. I actually just started a medical leave of absence from work, and I can't tell you the last time I took a sick day. I'm a veterinarian, so it's losing a big part of who I am. My hope is that I'll be back in my career in 3-6 months, but no promises there.

I just went to a counselor for the first time last night, and she asked me what keeps me centered now. I can't do things I used to enjoy due to my arm and leg fatigue...I can't run, I can't hike, I can't do much upper body. I looked at her blankly. She said I need to find a way to stay grounded and to relax. (LOL...that's why I'm going to her!) I do need to re-identify myself, and I am just not sure where to start. And then, I should/may get some motor improvement. And will my dysautonomia get better? I don't know.

It's a tough road. I wish you well in your journey. It does help a bit knowing there are people you can reach out to in similar circumstances.

[Kris4444]

Headhunter, you are right. It seems that I'm at my worst during the summer months which is why I thought that maybe a cooling vest would do the trick. I'm convinced now that I need to go back on medication, clonidine or something similar to control the norepinephrine release. Thank you for your reply, it means a lot that people take the time out of their day to respond.

Katie, you are probably right although the ride started out on a very positive note. I didn't have to drag any children with me to the farm, drove the convertible on a beautiful day to go ride, had my new vest on which I had high hopes for...then it all just went downhill. But yes, I need to listen to him and he has taught me so much in the 12 years we've been a team. As I said before, I'm very goal oriented, so I have picked out shows that I want to attend as well as a lesson with a top trainer in the area who knows what I'm going through and has been very patient waiting for me to finally schedule that lesson. It's not going to happen anytime soon and those shows aren't something to shoot for anymore, I guess just getting on and not having a physical breakdown should be my new goal. It's just a lot to give up. I know you get it because you have been there too.

Sarah, thank you! I love your replies because they are always so upbeat and positive. I have only tried clonidine and I didn't like the way it made me feel when I was working full time. I was only taking 2 small doses a day and they wanted to up it to 3 doses at a higher dose eventually but I never made it there as it made me feel so tired and out of it at work. Now that I'm home, I'm willing to try it again. My doctor at Mayo was the one who prescribed it. I have reached out to him but he hasn't responded. I am headed back to Mayo (if they ever call with the appointment!) soon for my GI issues and that is why I contacted the doctor who did my autonomic testing to see if maybe he could find a moment or two to spend with me again, maybe retest my norepinephrine levels to see if they are still high. When I was there last, I was on a drug called Pristiq which is an SNRI and they thought that the high levels may have been due to the drug. I went off of it immediately upon returning home from Mayo and never went back. I do have Ativan on hand if I'm having stomach pain but I rarely take it. My BP tends to run high although I've passed out before on Norvasc so... I don't want to start anything though until I have been seen at Mayo so that they can see what I'm going through now. Even if the doctor gets back to me and prescribes the clonidine again, I think I will wait to start it until after I've been seen. Thanks so much for your reply, you always make me smile!

TwynnB, I'm sorry for all you are going through. You are a veterinarian! Growing up that is ALL I wanted to do and I did take a job as a tech right out of high school but I was too soft hearted to stick it out, I wanted to bring home every animal and was in tears daily! I'm sure as I matured I would have gotten better with the circle of life but at that time it was just too much for me. I used to see a counselor as well. One day I was telling her that my riding is who I am and she was arguing with me that it is not. I haven't been back LOL. It's difficult to think of scaling back further from my riding as for over 25 years it was my career! I'm lucky to be able to ride a couple of days a week but I used to have at least 4 horses in training and a lesson program 6 days a week! I am trying to re-identify with this new me and maybe I have to find something else but I just don't know what that would be. Last year I was able to compete again for the first time in 7 years. We did remarkably well and I guess that's why this is so hard, I set goals for us that aren't attainable this time around and it's sad because my body isn't cooperating yet I know I CAN do this but not when my body is being dysfunctional.,,,ugh! Lol. Thanks for reaching out! It means a lot!!