Please, Please Help!! Should I Give Up?

[jknh9]

I started my new job today, my first full-time job since 2010. I thought I was feeling so much better and had pretty much recovered, so I accepted a job in a new city. I'm staying in a hotel this week and am planning to move here permanently this weekend. But today my heart rate was out of control, I had adrenaline rushes and felt dizzy and just not all there. I was working part-time (~30 hours a week) from home before this and was getting better and feeling pretty normal. I stepped back on my meds, to 50mg Zoloft and 37.5 mg Wellbutrin, plus vitamin B supplements. I had a good routine, but one of my freelance contract jobs was coming to an end, so I put my resume online, thinking, I can do it now! And I got a cool job in a great city. But after the first day I'm not sure if I can handle it and I don't know what to do. I came back to the hotel at lunch and took 25mg more of Zoloft, thinking maybe I should step back up. I have an application in on an apartment and I'm supposed to sign the lease this weekend, but I just don't know. I really wanted this to work out, but I'm terrified I can't do it and will be stuck with an apartment I can't otherwise pay for. I just don't know what to do. I'm sitting here in tears and feeling the lowest I have in a while. Please anyone help

[lewis]

I wouldn't give up yet. Was there anything you did current that may have affected you? maybe over simulation from the new job? I can't even think about things that make me nervous or excited cause I will loose it so I can't imagine being put into a new job. see if the next few days you are able to settle in a bit. I quit having as many adrenaline issues with propranolol

[jknh9]

I think possibly the fluorescent lights aren't helping, and the fact that it's warm in the office certainly doesn't help. But yeah, it's hard to tell what all triggers me because there are so many things! I haven't tried propranolol but maybe I should, since adrenaline rushes and sudden nausea is a big issue for me. That also makes me panic a bit because I'd have to take a day off to see my old doctor in my old city since I haven't found one here yet. Ugh!! I also recently separated from my husband So there is a lot at stake. And I know that stress isn't helping either. I really don't want to have to move in with my parents... I just don't know.

[MomtoGiuliana]

Our symptoms can be so variable from day to day. From my experience I would not make a decision based on one day of bad symptoms. Can you talk to your doctor?

[lejones1]

Does your employer know about your POTS? I know it can be a bit risky to bring up, but it may make you more comfortable with the situation. I think a lot of employers would be happy to make little adjustments in order to keep an employee whose work they value. My boss has been incredibly accommodating - I work from home a bit sometimes, lay down in empty conference rooms when I'm feeling lightheaded, etc. Some days fluorescent lights really bother my eyes too so we rounded up spare lamps so I wouldn't have to use the overhead light. I know someone else with POTS whose company bought him a laptop instead of the standard desktop so he can work lying on the floor. I was nervous being so open about my health problems when I first started back, but I don't think I would be able to work if I hadn't been honest about them asked for some help. Don't give up yet! Good luck!

[lfreem02]

Hang in there. Any time I travel I feel pretty crappy. You may need to rest when you are not working, drink lots of cold drinks, and look into some local yoga classes to help you relax. The stress of traveling, moving, starting a new job can cause a set back, but don't let it cause you to lose out on a great opportunity that sounds like you are excited about.

[Raisin]

You certainly have a lot going on. Be kind to yourself. I know some folks have some trouble with a withdrawal from Zoloft. I don't know when you started lowering the dosage but perhaps that is a consideration. Breathe. Cry as much as you need to. Know you are not alone! Prayer go to you.. Let us know how you are doing!

[Macca]

Hi jknh9 - sorry to read that you are having a difficult time. I thought it might help to share my story of returning to work. I returned to full time work about a year ago, after two years off work with POTS. I felt like I was ready to go back to work, with reduced symptoms that were pretty well controlled with meds. I also moved cities for the new job and that brought its own stresses. The first few weeks in my new job were really hard going, but I kept working and over time my symptoms reduced and a year later I am doing really well with only minor symptoms and limited need for meds. Some things I found helpful when I first got back to work were to keep up with medication, exercising (including having a couple of walks during work hours) and taking a rest during my lunch break (incl a lie down if I could). My employer also knew about my condition and they were accommodating, for example I could work at home when I felt really bad. It's definitely a challenge going back to work, especially with a move on top of it, but my experience is that it will get better slowly but surely. Let us know how things go for you and please let me know if I can answer any questions. All the best.

[writerlymom]

jknh9, just want you to know I'm thinking of you! No matter what you do things will work out fine. The lighting, anxiety, the weather- POTS reacts crazily to so many things and you have a lot of new stimulation. Sometimes I think POTS wants to scare us out of doing what we want to do. Touch base by phone with your doc re: the med dosage maybe? Take care and keep us posted. You have come a very long way even if this experience is frustrating. Hug!

[jknh9]

Thanks so much for the support. It was a horrible day yesterday and then last night I had a hypoxic seizure and still feel terrible today. My legs are covered in bruises after the seizure. I couldn't make myself go in, and I know calling in sick on the second day is pretty much sealing my fate. But I think I'm also ready to go home. I tried so hard, but I just don't think I can do it, physically. I think I had been feeling better because I had a routine that let me rest when needed and change my schedule as needed depending on how I felt on a given day. The office is also quite noisy, with people on the phone all the time and talking over one another and the boss's dog barking (it's a dog-friendly workplace), which is overwhelming for me and not something I feel I can get used to. I feel pathetic for giving up after only one day, but I truly feel I can't do it long-term. I feel deep down it would be a mistake to sign the apartment lease on Saturday as scheduled. I know I will lose my deposit, but it's not a huge amount and it's better than being tied to a place I can't pay for for a whole year.

I feel devastated and can't stop crying, but I know I can only push myself so much. In grad school I pushed myself too far and ended up bedridden for months. Writerlymom, you're right, I have come a long way even if I can't do a full-time office job. I spoke to my mom and she suggested doing part-time online work and then part-time work elsewhere so my schedule would still be pretty flexible. I think I will give that a go and try to continue living on my own doing that as long as I can.

I'm trying to tell myself that giving up on this one thing is not giving up on life. I tried so very hard, and I feel lucky to have been given a job offer at all. Right now I think I need to go home and rest for a couple of days and then regroup. I keep trying to believe there are always other options. I'm going to call my neuro this morning for an appointment and explain the situation and see what he thinks about a new game plan or possibly applying for disability, as much as I don't want to do that. But even if I go that route, life will go on. I have to believe that.

[writerlymom]

Everything makes sense except the part about feeling pathetic. What you've done here is very courageous. It's enough to go through all the physical stuff; try to not let POTS beat you up emotionally. Lots of emotional factors coming in to play and it's important to give yourself a lot of credit. You might have a crash for a bit but will be back to where you were. Things absolutely will be OK.

[DeGenesis]

I'm really starting to sound like a drug pusher, but it's times like these when benzodiazepines (Short term, 2-6 weeks max. Of course it always ends up being long-term, doesn't it?) come in handy. As always, just a personal opinion. Plus the drug route inhibits the development of coping skills.

To be honest, adapting to a new environment, whether it be school, work, or housing is always very stressful, even if you don't have a medical illness. You have some extra challenges to be sure, and I hate to give you such cliched advice, but here it is:

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[jknh9]

Thanks writerlymom and DeGenesis for the kind words, it really helps. And it's cliched advice because there is truth in it It's just so hard to not be hard on myself. I'm a total type-A perfectionist type, which doesn't work out so well with POTS. I am working on it, though. I keep feeling like my adult life has been a series of failures and false starts, but all of it comes back to the POTS, NCS, and irregular heartbeat issues. And rationally I know it's not my fault. At least I learned my limits and gave it a shot. I would feel nothing but regret if I had never even tried, so I am proud of myself for that. And of course there are many reasons a workplace doesn't work out for a person, I keep thinking about that. Now I'm formulating a Plan B and thinking of a combination of part-time jobs I might be able to handle. I will find a way.

I also have thought about benzos, but my old doctor didn't want to put me on them. I think it might be time to revisit that, though.

[imre]

I think that a lot of peoples adult lives regardless of health issues are a series of failures and false starts. That is just how people learn and gain experience. You were brave to take the risk and unfortunately things did not work out for you the way you would have liked. It seems like you are picking yourself up from this let down and trying something else. Who knows? Maybe you will find something better and more suitable in your future.

[gjensen]

I wanted to comment originally and encourage you, but without knowing it all I could not be confident that it was good advice.

It sounds like you are making some level headed decisions. You know your situation and limitations better than anyone.

I hope tat you do not continue to feel discouraged, or be down on yourself. What I heard you say originally, that you were making great progress. You wanted (and bravely tried) to make the next step.

A set back is certainly not giving up. Possibly the circumstances combined with the work environment was just too much at this time. Separation from a long term relationship is a lot to deal with under any circumstances. My point is that it is not that you could not make another step forward. It might just be that large of a step may be too large of a step for this moment.

I find it encouraging that you have been improving and that you find yourself making decisions on how to move forward. I expect and look forward to getting to where you are.

A friend of mine remarked recently that we spend a lot time teaching our young loved ones to aspire to this or that. Also that we do not spend enough time teaching them to simply live. I am not articulating this point well. I guess it is saying that sometimes going with the flow is making more progress than fighting against the current. Often when we find ourselves fighting against the current, we find ourselves going the wrong way.

I wish you well.

[writerlymom]

Interestingly, I read somewhere that POTS tends to hit people who are very driven. I've wondered what that means biologically! Take care jknh9, things are going to work out for you.

[writerlymom]

jknh9, just wondered how you're doing?