It's Been Awhile,

[erickamcc0523]

I am not sure the last time I posted here, but I think it was in March or April some time. I kind of needed to take a break from all of the medical reading and research, because I was starting to get a bit despondent and obsessive over everything. As you can tell from my signature (I never changed it), Church is very important to me, but I skipped Mass for two months straight. Yesterday was my first day back, and although the desire to be there was completely absent, I know that if I waited until I felt like going, I might never go back.

I know some of this conflict is aggravated by the lovely mood swings that comes with POTS. The other is not coping well with the loss of ability to do things that I love (singing and organ are two prime examples... I've not completely lost them, but going from hours of practice on end to being in near agony after just an hour is difficult to deal with). I suppose add in a bit of a trauma reaction to some of the treatment that I received at the hands of those who are called doctors (incidentally, doctor comes from the Latin for teacher... how can one teach if one knows nothing?) and I've been a sniveling emotional mess the past few months, and I guess I almost emotionally shut down. But, not to worry, going to Church yesterday is a good sign, and the fact that perhaps just a tiny ember of faith has started to renew is very promising. I think the thing that I've missed the most isn't my physical health, or the loss of my music, but the loss of my faith. I kind of suspect that I could be with those and be without faith and still be suffering severely.

In any case, I'll sign off here, and say that I'm very glad to be back. I've missed DINET, and I can't wait to read the old threads I've missed, and hearing from each of you.

[lieze]

Welcome back!

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling down.

Hopefully the summer will bring brighter days.

[sue1234]

Glad you are back. It's okay to take time off from this craziness of life-limiting POTS(wish we could take physical time off from POTS!). And certainly glad your emotions are getting better.

[comfortzone]

I'm new but happy to hear you got yourself to mass irregardless of your symptoms and mood ;-) It was Pentecost Sunday so I pray you got a boost to move ahead in life with peaceful reassurance and see everyday as the gift it is ~ I actually missed mass for close to a year and a half because of these health issues and two joint replacment surgeries ... But I made a comittment to begin going again at the first of the year.....& I must say it has helped me much. I started at a new Parish ~ the people at the old were always asking nosy questions about my health as I am now on disability ~ and for some reason that just sits wrong with people when you appear to them "well". So now I am anonymous at my new church and loving every minute of it! I notice if you fall to zero faith and despairing thoughts ~ it just doesn't or didn't in my case somehow "come back"..... It took me somehow "making" it come back......if that makes any sense. Meaning by my renewal of comittment ~ the more I gave up and gave in to the rote motions of going and saying the words etc. irregardless of how I felt inside ~ that alone was all that was needed to have me begin to see some light. I can dislike being there ~ feel angry inside, cry during mass ~ the whole ball of wax ~ but in the end? I went to mass and I felt little glimpses of interior healing ~ most of the time I feel nothing ~ but perhaps the most imperceptible bit of "relief" ~ that perhaps I am truly not dealing with all of this alone......

[erickamcc0523]

Thank you Sue and Lieze! I do feel that things are not nearly as dark as before. I am glad that I'm over my temper tantrum and am now ready to live life as fully as I'm able.

Nowwhat!, I do understand what you're saying. My priest has mentioned the difference between "feeling faithful" and being faithful to me several times. Usually in conjunction with Bl. Teresa of Calcutta, since she went 40 YEARS without feeling it. I have proven that I can't do that myself, as I only went through about 6 months of feeling nothing but still going to Mass every Sunday, and weekdays when I could make it. Listening to the Gregorian chant, and Fr. teaching us Greek, and the many meanings of the word Paraclete: comforter, advocate... and a few others, but I'm surprised I remembered those (oh, the joys of brain fog!). And while I didn't receive (or even expect) life altering epiphanies, I saw the first glimpses of sacred silence, for perhaps the first time in a year. Before the POTS got really bad, I was discerning a vocation to a contemplative cloistered order and had come to really appreciate and desire that sacred silence. I've missed that almost as much as I've missed my faith.

I hope to soon do another week-long retreat this summer. I have a particular attachment to a particular Trappistine convent, and maybe going to such a place will help me refocus and reorder my life.

[comfortzone]

I used to love going to the Abbey of Gethsemani on retreat when I lived in the Midwest ~ I'd go once or twice yearly. Now where I live there is a cloistered group of monks ~ Benedictine ~ living in Big Sur that offer retreats. Your note prompts me to give them a call and spend a little time up there...... Would love to hear how your retreat goes if and when you get there ~ Have a great rest of the week :-)

[erickamcc0523]

It's funny you should mention Gesthemani. One of my close friends is discerning entering there as a monk. My personal favorite convent is Our Lady of the Angels in Crozet, Va, a Trappistine convent. I stayed there for a week last summer (before the POTS-worsening knee surgery), and since I was discerning, they let me help them with their cheese making, and I have to say that was just a wonderfully prayerful week.

And it's funny that I should have mentioned taking a retreat yesterday, since today I received an e-mail from the vocations director of Our Lady. If I were to call it a coincidence, it would be only because I am thinking of Albert Einstein, who once said something like coincidences are when God choses to remain anonymous. Perhaps it's a coincidence that my favorite places as of late are out in the middle of the country, surrounded by cattle fields and where there is no cell phone service