It Feels As If I Need A Babysitter For Mysel At Timesf

[carinara]

Since my POTS became worse about 3 months ago it seems like every other week one of my many symptoms playes up big time, i mean much much more then when iam not in a POTS hole. Then after a little while the symptom settles down again and another symptom playes up big time again. First my HR was much higher then usual acompanied with all sorts of bloodregulation problems, then my stomach and digesting system went mad, now my bloodsugar is totally unstable again + my dizziness and lightheadnessnes is much much worse it feels as if i have no blood left in my head when i stand up or even turn around. Looking back at my last big POTS crashes in 2007 and 2004 i remember the same weired thing. It seems as if my body goes through some kind of pattern to get into some kind of balance again. Is this possible? Has anybody else experienced this?

Up until about 3 months ago, i knew more or less how my body is going to react to different kind of situation. I do know my body well by now but ever since this bad POTS episode started back in September i cant really calculate how my body responds anymore. Its a big struggle and what gets me is, that i start feeling anxious again (like in 2004 and 2007). I am a secretary and work 28 hours a day. At the moment its a very big challenge for me to do so and get through a workday, i can only manage it with a lot of tricks and arrangements. Iam lucky because my sister works in the same companie. That means whenever i have to secretly lay down (so nobody finds out), i call her and let her know where i am. That way i feel safe and she can cover for me in case somebody asks. When my body goes crazy at work i feel i can only stay calm because i know that my sister will come and look after me and i also know that she would drive me home if its necessary. If i didnt have her i know that i would panick at work when i start getting and episode. This tiny extra bit of stress (because i knew i couldnt turn to somebody) would just push me over the edge and my symptoms would develop into massive no controlable ones. The same at home, iam usually ok during the day when iam alone, i make sure i have everything i might need around me. But i do admit, that i feel much safer if somebody is around me...., This weekend for example, my boyfriend had to go on a business trip and i was nervous about staying alone at home because the nights are very difficult for me because i cant get up. My body needs ages before its ready to get up (thats why my alarmclock normally wakes me up at 5 so i can leave the house at 8). there are often situations when my boyfriend looks after me when i wake up with tachy and other stuff. He brings me what i need and i feel safe and looked after where as if i was alone i would panick because i couldnt get up and i wouldnt know when to call somebody for help. It feels that as soon as there is somebody around i can give the responsibility away because i know that somebody can get help if its necessary. When iam alone and this happens i feel helpless. I feel as if i have to stay allert to watch my body and decide when and if i should ring for help. Another thing is that i cant relax at the moment, because as soon as my body gets tired it feels like its shutting down on me, so i dont take a nap (even though iam so tired) because it takes ages for my body to get in some sort of balance again its leaving me sick for a long time afterwards. All these things are the reason because i asked my sister to stay overnight last night and tonight iam planning to stay at my parents house with my daughter. (remember my boyfriend is away) But even though i feel i made the right decision by making it as comfortable as possible for me, I at the same time constantly put myself down because of not staying alone at home in during the night and therefore acting like a little child instead of a 38 year old. I feel as if i need to be babysited and this leaves me feeling dependend and weak. On the other hand i know, that as soon as my body starts to respond more normal again, and i can trust my reaction again, i will feel more independend again. This morning for example i woke up with bad tachykardia and just about made it to the toilet then i returned to bed until my lightheadness, ear ringing, HR and so on felt better again. I could stay calm because i knew my sister was asleep in the other room ready to help me if i needed her. She left around 9. I still didnt feel ok but i decided to go shopping with my parents and my daughter just to get out of the house. When they picked me up at 12, i felt kind of ok, thats why i went into a shop with my daughter. After about 10 minutes i started to feel as if i had no blood left in my brain so we went back to the car and i put my feet up. I started to feel so dissorientated and lightheaded again that i spend the rest of the shopping trip in the car. If i would have been on my own i would have panicked so i was glad that my 13 year old daughter was with me, (even though i didnt tell her how bad i feel). It just helped me to stay calm knowing that somebody is around and can get help if necessary. Now after 1,5 hours i feel a little better again and wonder why i need a babysitter at times. Is this normal in them sort of situations? It feels as if i need somebody to take care and babysit me when my body acts up like that. can somebody relate? My parents just dropped me of at home and want to pick me up in 5 hours to stay the night, i ask myself now if i should cancel staying at my parents house tonight and just try to survive the night on my own with my daughter? Just to prove to myself that iam not acting like a 5 year old? I start to wonder were anxiety starts and were selfcare starts and if its ok to get help like that or if i should try to manage on my own, Am i too anxious? Iam normally a very calm person but when my body starts going grazy i can only stay relaxed and calm if iam not alone. Any ideas on how i can change that? Is there some kind of therapie out there on how to learn to stay calm if it feels as if one is dying?

Thanks a lot for your help and sorry for this long post.

carinara

[EarthMother]

{{{hugs}}}

I can tell you are really worked up about this. Its only because you are in a crash right now and your whole body feels upside down. YOU are the one who has reassured ME that as these physical symptoms settle back down, I will not need to rely on my husband 24/7.

When our bodies are in such a tailspin, our minds begin to think outside-of-the-box-on-overtime searching, judging, worrying. Rest assured this is just your mind keeping busy with all the extra adrenaline. I know you have been in this place before ... and I know you have come through it. When we are very sick, we need someone in the same room. As we begin to breath better and use the loo on our own, we are comfortable having someone at the house. When our symptoms become predictable, we are good to go if we have a cell phone to call someone. And i'm certain if we recovered we'd be piloting our own hot air balloon around the world in 80's days.

Right now, your blood sugar is creating all sorts of body chemistry inconsistencies. When your mind begins to question your own sanity ... tell it that you are making an agreement with yourself to put that thought on a shelf UNTIL your blood sugar stabalizes and your POTS symptoms become more predictable once again.

This week, after writing several threads to you about hypoglycimia and how it's been a year for me since I had wicked lows ... my own blood sugar dropped out on Wednesday morning!! It was so strange ... I had eaten everything like I normally do. My blood sugar was fine on waking, I ate every couple of hours like always. But I did notice that I was more cold than usual. I was also more tired, and my head hurt which is not common for me.

By 11 am I was full on trembling, terribly nausea,and very dizzy. The symptoms were so familiar. I had just eaten some nuts and whole milk etc. 30 minutes before but I took my blood sugar anyway. Any other morning it would have been 95 or 105 etc. after eating like I had been. But Tuesday! when the crash started it was 70!!!

I was devestated to think I was going into another unpredictable pattern. My body was shaking and there was nothing I could do to comfort my mind ... it took me a couple of hours before my blood sugar was a bit more reasonable and my mind could consider more reasonable possiblitites.

Turns out I crashed again yesterday. This time again in the morning around 11 after having eaten high protein twice already that day.

Bottom line ... its scary when we don't know what's going on... what's going to happen next. Far be it for ME to reassure you that you are not crazy because i'm sure most people are certain that I AM!! But, I know what you are going through, and I trust this hypervigilance by way of being with people will pass once your physical symptoms stabalize.

As for my own blood sugar oddities this week ... I did a bit of google searching and it seems that hypothyroid can cause wicked blood sugar lows. Seems the lack of thyroid hormone on the liver causes an insulin dump into the blood stream. By no coincidence, I just started a new thyroid presciption last week. I know it makes NO SENSE since I went from .88 to 1.00 (i increased the dose). It would be really strange to think I could be TOO LOW on a higher dose. But given the wide fluctuations in my Hashimoto thyroiditis, I 'm guessing my auto-immune system is not playing nice with my new dosing. I'll give it another few weeks, tweek my diet a bit more in the meantime, and see where this all lands after the holidays.

Main thing is to eliminate as much stress as possible right now. Do whatever you can to find comfort and rebuild your body's balance.

As always ... my thoughts are with you.

~EM

[kayjay]

EM has such wise words I am not going to add much.

I can't even go to the grocery store myself ( I'm 36). Yesterday I felt such anxiety I lay on my mom's sofa and cried a little all afternoon.

I can't put into words the fear that I feel but I know you would understand.

I am learning that it is ok to need others. We come into this world dependent and many of us are dependent again before we leave it.

I am sure you would do whatever you could to help the people in your life.

My parents told me "we will deal with this" and told me that they wished it was them and not me.

Let people help you when you need it... you can help them when you can... LOVE is an action verb... I am so happy that you have people to help you.

PS there is no shame in taking a KLONOPIN if it helps you... I do it at bedtime ... and wash it down with a nice herbal tea. Also the beta blocker for me blocks some of those stress hormones so my fear is less intense then it used to be.

[carinara]

EarthMother, thank you so much for your post. I just looked Dinet up to see if anybody responded yet and when i saw that you were the first one who wrote something, this put a smile on my face.

You are so right by all you are saying and deep inside of myself i do know it as well. Its ok to get help in them sorts of situations but when i feel so bad, i seem to forget it or iam not able to connect with this knowledge. Sometimes it seems as if all i have learned so far about POTS, life in general and spirituality is hiding somewhere. But if i become still and, meditate and trust in a higher power, i know all is going to be allright. Its ok to get help i guess because we are all there for each other. I would love to offer my help to somebody in need as well. But then there are times like at the moment, when everything is upside down and i just react as if i never experienced symptoms like that before. Everytime it hits me that hard i fall into the same trap but i can feel the panick is getting a little better each time. I had so many things going on the past 2 weeks (3 courtcases, a hospital stay, about 6 doctor appointments scans, Ct's and on top of it i just bought my apartment) all this appointments and work i could only handle because i have people around me who support me and drive me everywhere and stay with me even to hold my hand if i need them to. Iam very blessed i know. Its just me thinking back, that without their help i couldnt have done these , and this makes me feel like i need a babysitter (again)....., but i try to remember now what i already know and what you reminded me of EarthMother.

Reading about your Blood sugar problems make me sad. I mean i just tried the whole milk with nuts you suggested to me, yesterday and today and i can tell that its helping me at the moment but then on the other hand its not helping you anymore. Maybe i should stop mine again....,

Iam sending you healing thoughts and dont forget, our bodies are just trying to heal themselfs and therefore sometimes there are doing funny things.

Kayjay, thanks for your post. I noticed that a really good cry helps me a lot in them sort of situations as well. Iam glad that you also have people around you who help.

Thanks again, carinara

[EarthMother]

I'm not stopping the milk and nuts ... just making sure I am being more vigilant. During the last year that my blood sugar stabalized ... I became more laxed and sometimes went longer without eating particularly in the afternoons.

As I said for me I think my thyroid is playing a piece in the puzzle (as well as some colder weather and a visit from my Dad this week.) I changed the timing of my thyroid med today, and so far my blood sugar has stayed good.

Wow, you had 3 courtcases, a hospital stay, 6 doctor appointments scans,and just bought your apartment in the last two weeks!!!!!?????? My goodness you don't need a babysitter you deserve a royal court of attendants to cater to your every need and whim!!! Way to go for even being coherent after all that stress. Now think bubble bath, gentle healing massage, pedicure and facial -- you deserve it!!

[lissy]

Hi Carinara,

I have been through the same experience and my sugar was very low and off balanced when This all started for me . I made sure to eat things every few hours not many starchs and carbs (which I love) it took a few months to get it under control mine would start low 60-70's I'd eat then it would shoot up to 170's and drop again and I'd be left exstausted. That happens every once in awhile now.

I completely understand the security feeling when others are around when your feeling so bad. I have dealt with this condition raising my 2 young girls and husband is at work many hours, there have been many days I felt so scared and nervous laying all alone trembling and feeling like I was gonna die having so many symptoms. All I could do was pray and try to relax sometimes my daughters would cry and need me to do something (get juice or snack,or just attention) and it made me so guilty that I felt like I couldn't move. They have been days I am hungry and can't even prepare somethng to eat because it took everything I had to just make the kids something to eat and clean up there mess, and I'm so dizzy I just have to lay down.

I have experienced the GETTING use to my symptoms and feeling comfortable and WAM it starts all over again .So I know exactly what your talking about it will get better and try to relax when you have those surges I just turn on a fan point in in my direction lay down on my side and I really try to fall asleep because it seems to be gone when I wake and not as severe until night hits again and funtionable during the day unless its a really bad day. Like today I fed the kids lunch cleaned up and I had to just lay on the couch I felt so sick I put them in their room with the cartoons and fell asleep for about 30 minutes I woke up and feel slightly better . I am alone with my kids about 90% of the time I guess I just do the best I can to work through the feelings I wish I had someone to be there or take care of me my 3 year old does sometimes . God gives us what we can handle but sometimes I wish someone would reach out and help those of us that really need it:)

Lissy *you are not alone*