Hard to Explain At Work

[JoJenkins]

My boss just asked how I was feeling as yesterday I had to take a break when hr was in the 150s and I almost fainted. When I smiled and told him I was feeling better he muttered sarcastically like, oh, big surprise, like I was faking. To me this is one of the worst parts of dealing-- being invisibly sick. I feel so angry. This is an ordeal. 

[Katybug]

Hi JoJenkins,

I had to quit working a while ago so my experience isn't recent. I realize now that I was having POTS episodes for many years before they became regularly disabling.

But, I would have an episode maybe once every week to every other week, especially when I was working retail. Interestingly, my fellow managers were not understanding at all when I would say I needed a 15 mins break (retail managers aren't very good at taking breaks apparently) but my employees were actually very supportive. In fact, I know it was visible that I wasn't well because I often had employees say "you need to go sit down, you don't look good" well before i was ready to admit it. Why my peers couldn't see the same thing or show the same compassion is still a mystery. It didn't help that I still hadn't learned to be kind to myself and stop worrying about being perfect 24/7. 

Once my health got to a point where it was becoming regularly chronically disabling, I was at a different job and I was 10 years older and wiser. My presyncope was visible in that I would become pale, sweat, become visibly shaky, etc.. I had learned not to try to hide it (I'm not sure I was doing a good job at that anyway). I also worked with people who knew I had a superior work ethic, so when I started struggling,  they were supportive. And, my boss gave me what was probably the single best piece of advice I have received on this journey. She told me I needed to learn to be as kind to myself as I was to my employees. Wow! No one had ever told me or given me permission to do that! I'm sure I'm lucky to have a had a boss who was that compassionate and insightful.  

So, I try to pass that advice on when I can because I realize that most of us will probably never have anyone say that to us. It's hard when others don't understand our situation, but, it makes it more difficult because I think a lot of us also feel our own negative feelings and are hard on ourselves internally. We aren't taught to show ourselves the same kindness and compassion we would bestow on others. But we should be. ☺