Episodes Preventing Working Full-Time

[jknh9]

Hi everyone,

I posted a couple years back when I attempted to work full-time in a new office in a new city, and the environment had my HR up near 200 nearly the whole day, I was fighting not to faint, and the fluorescent lights and constant ambient noise were giving me adrenaline surges. I quit after one day because I knew I couldn't do it. I'm attempting again to do full-time office work, and have had some interviews and even an offer, but I am getting more and more depressed because I feel like I can't do it. During one interview, I had an episode and had to stop. I couldn't hide it. They told me I looked like I needed to lie down. My HR was through the roof, I was nauseous, and my vision was starting to go (pre-syncope). I am prone to anxiety, too, which just makes the adrenaline surges worse, which triggers the cascade of POTS symptoms. One of the issues is that I can't sit still in a crowded room (like in a business meeting) without getting a surge and feeling like I'm about to be sick to my stomach or faint. And it doesn't go away, even after I've been at a place for months.

I'm so much better than I used to be, but it's incredibly difficult to juggle freelance, unreliable gigs, especially since I am divorced.

Have others given up on full-time work? Has anyone been in this situation? I'm so sick of well-wishing friends giving me pep talks, because they just don't understand. I am depressed from all of this and have very little motivation or desire to even keep looking for something, even though I'd like a real career I guess I just need someone to listen.

[jknh9]

I also want to add that I can't tolerate beta blockers, and I've done Zoloft and Wellbutrin and do not like how they make me feel (especially Zoloft). Neither did a particularly good job of stopping these symptoms, anyway. I take a very low dose of Xanax on occasion, and it helps somewhat, but I don't want to take it regularly. I hate medications and am VERY sensitive to them.

[Faye]

I am not in your situation in terms of work...but wanted to reach out...found that many ppl do not understand what we face with POTS/dysautonomia, even if you try to explain...some will say you want to get better so take the meds but do not understand how sometimes our bodies just don't tolerate them, it is something you necessarily can just suck it up and get over or thru most of the time. It's more of just getting thru another set of rough minutes, hours, days...

There are not a lot of answers out there and even having a shared condition/illness we all still respond differently and are at various degrees. Sometimes all we can do is baby step thru life, and see where it lands. I am not sure where you are located or if you have been able to get state support for not being able to work. In the states they have a program where you are on perm state disability, and then feel like you may want to return, they give you a program that allows you to try and have up to I think 5 years if you need to go back to full state disability you can without going thru the whole nasty process to qualify...just a thought ....

[Katybug]

Hi jknh9,

I remember when you moved for that job and then quit and came back. My heart broke for you when that whole thing unfolded.

I have been on disability for quite a while. I still hold out hope that I will work again, one day. Some days it is harder to believe in that than others.

I think you just have to do what your heart tells you to do. If that's to try again, then go for it! I'll be on your cheerleading squad! If you feel that you are not capable physically and you need to file for disability, I'll still be on your cheerleading squad! There is no right or wrong answer. We just do our best with the hand we were dealt.

[JustaSpark]

jknh9,

I unfortunately don't have a solution yet or much to add as I am not able to work or go to school right now myself, even though I would really like to (as I think we all would like to do a lot of things if our health permitted it!). I try and remain hopeful that one day things might change for the better, for everyone suffering from dysautonomia etc.

I like Faye's suggestion of baby steps and Katybug's suggestion of listening to your heart/trusting your intuition to do what you need to do to take care of yourself right now, whatever that may be.

I just wanted to lend some support and say I'm sending hugs your way and hope things can improve for you.

[jknh9]

Faye, thank you. You're right about baby stepping, I just hate baby stepping backwards >_< Nothing to be done about it, though.

Katybug, oh my gosh, thank you for remembering. It feels like a lifetime ago, but at the same time, when I had the episode during the interview last week, it felt like it had just happened. As much as I wanted a "real" career, I guess I just can't handle it now. And my cardiologist says that my heart rate gets so high that we need to do everything we can to keep it low and preserve it. Realistically, forcing myself to work full-time is going to elevate my heart rate all the time. I think now is the time to ease off, as much as I hate it. Yet I'm also at a point where I'm so tired of trying. I feel like, with this illness, we aren't even allowed to want anything for ourselves. Even though I'm functional on a daily level, doing chores or going to the grocery store, there are still huge limitations and it's making me incredibly depressed. I feel like I don't deserve the things I once wanted to work for. I have no motivation left. You're right, there is no right or wrong answer.. I am fortunate in that my parents are willing to let me live at home and even help me out with an apartment if I want, near their place, despite the fact that I'm now in my thirties. I am grateful for that and I'm trying to focus on the things I'm thankful for.

JustaSpark, thanks so much for your comment and hugs Even though I've never met anyone from this forum and don't post/read every day, I feel lucky to be part of such a wonderful, supportive community. Thank you!