Problems With My Mom-Feeeling Alone

[friday7]

I'm 44 and living with my mother who is 76. My father passed away last Christmas. My brother passed away nine years ago this January. My other brother lives nearby but I see him once a week..If i'm lucky. Sometimes he doens't come over and I don't see him for a few weeks. He'll drive by and say hi, help take out the trash but not stay. I can not work. I had no close friends before I got sick so I don't have any now. I was dating when I got sick but that stopped soon after so no boyfriend, no husband no kids.

So I do not have my own family, and I can't get out and socialize because i'm too sick to go out most of the time. When I do feel well enough to go out I can't really make connections. I can't make plans. Nobody understands that. I was going to a support group for women. It wasn't exactly what I would like in a group but it was at least something. I missed too many meetings due to being sick and so I can not go back because they closed my case. I can go through an interview and have them reopen the case but I still don't feel up to that right now. I odn't want to go through all of that with my current situation because I have an infection that is not going away even after antibiotics.

My mother used to be the person I turned to when I was feeling bad. But now she's changed. She's older I get that. She went through a lot when my Dad was sick. But it's really hard because she's the only one left in my life. I try to talk to her and she shows no compassion anymore. Again I get that. She's tired. But it doens't make it any easier to deal with. I feel totally alone. I get sick and depressed and want someone to turn to and no one is there. We fight all of the time. I guess because I'm hurt with what seems like her lack of compassion and I'm dealing with yet another loss in my life. It's like she' s there but she's not. Normally if I felt like this about someone, she would be the person I would talk to about that. But I can't.

I have a therapist.( we talk over the phone) But I can only talk to her once a week for 45 minutes.Sometimes I don't get to talk to her either because she has to cancel.It's not enough.

My mother told me last night she really doesn't care about life anyone. She'd just like to read a good book or watch a movie and the only reason she finds any reason to be hear is because of me. She said she wasn't depressed, she just didn't care anymore. To hear this made me feel bad. But I tried to tell her this and she started running out of the room. She doesn't want any confrontation of any kind.

My reaction to having her tell me she just doens't care about life anymore is the get help, change that. But she doens't want that. If I say that to her she gets upset. I've been asking her to go to therapy with me for years but she won't go. She thinks as long as we don't talk about our feelings, everything is okay. then she'd be happy. I guess that's true in a way. She doesn't want to argue and whenever we talk about our issues we fight. But that's why I wanted to go to therapy. So that we could do it productively.She doens't understand that, or is afraid of it.I dont' know.

She says she doesn't want to argue. I get that but yet any discussion of feelings brings up an argument because she doens't want to talk about feelings. She said after she came from church today she prayed we wouldn't' argue. So I have to keep any feelings I have to myself because any discussion of feelings brings on an argument. I started to cry . She told me dont' cry. She always tells me not to cry whenever I do. To her it's just making things worse.She doens't understand I cry to get my feelings out.

It's really hard because she was always the person that everyone came to with their problems. I know that can overburden a person. But what do you do when you've done that you're whole life and then that person just goes away. It's hard to deal with a change in her personality on top of everything else.

I know it's sounds bad. I'm an adult I should not have to depend on Mommy. But I'm stuck. I have no one else. It scares me.I think in the future I will truly have no one else. I hate the thought of the future. I hate the thought of having to live in some group home or something like that. So it' s really hard to shove my feelings under the rug in order to make my Mom happy. And it's really hard when the person that always gave you so much empathy and compassion seems to just not care anymore. Is annoyed by you.

I know this is something I have to deal with, but it's so hard doing it alone.

I have a hard time getting close to people. So it's hard to see any future where I'm going to have anyone in my life. It's hard enough for me to get close to people if I was well. Being sick just makes it ten times harder.I wish I could go out and find someone new and take some of the burden off of my Mom but it's not possible.

I usually never write like this either for fear of people not understanding. I'm debating whether to hit the enter button. I wrote this out maybe it's enough. But then again I'm just keeping my feelings to myself then and that's exactly what I don't want to do. So here goes..

[crowebirds]

First of all, I want to give you a big cyber {{{Hug}}}. The journey you have in life is definitely a difficult one. You have two large responsibilities on your shoulders that could make the strongest person crumble, taking care of your self with an invisible condition and taking care of an elderly parent. I pray that you can be blessed with strength and wisdom in your situation. Secondly, know that you have a family here in the Dinet forum that is happy to listen and offer you encouragement. I would like to offer a couple of recommendations to help you out. To start with, see if your "other" brother can take on the responsibility of caring for your mother. I know you love her very much and need her for companionship, but right now you need time to recover and regain your strength. Though this would give you time apart for healing, she will always be within reach when you do need that contact the most. Caring for a parent creates a lot of emotional and physical stress which as you know is no help to your condition. This will also give your mother a time to recover from her depression. It may give her what she needs to regain her desire for life and it can help build a bridge for a new relationship with your brother. Then see if you can find a church, community center, or hospital that offers free group therapy where you live. These groups will not shut you out and you can miss as many meetings as you are sick and still be able to return. You can also visit www.delivermeministries.org. They offer a great community of companionship with other chronically ill members.

Take good care!

[dianne.fraser]

Friday - my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that life has been so hard on you. I have no useful words of wisdom for you - like you, I'm single, I have no children, I've gradually lost almost all contact with friends and I'm a stranger to my family. People I used to know well have moved on with their lives, while I feel frozen in time. I guess I'm saying that, although you feel alone, you are not alone in this particular experience. I wish I could ease the burden of it (for either of us).

I can't imagine how worrying it must be for you that your mother has lost heart - I hope that you are able to find the support and advice you need to cope yourself and to provide support to her.

With best wishes

Dianne

[Sarah4444]

I think you are right, it does sound like your mother is depressed, which just makes this challenging situation even harder for both of you. If she has a long-term family doctor, I wonder if you could somehow just let him or her know what is going on?

This is a tremendously hard and lonely road sometimes. You are not alone.

[friday7]

First of all, I want to give you a big cyber {{{Hug}}}. The journey you have in life is definitely a difficult one. You have two large responsibilities on your shoulders that could make the strongest person crumble, taking care of your self with an invisible condition and taking care of an elderly parent. I pray that you can be blessed with strength and wisdom in your situation. Secondly, know that you have a family here in the Dinet forum that is happy to listen and offer you encouragement. I would like to offer a couple of recommendations to help you out. To start with, see if your "other" brother can take on the responsibility of caring for your mother. I know you love her very much and need her for companionship, but right now you need time to recover and regain your strength. Though this would give you time apart for healing, she will always be within reach when you do need that contact the most. Caring for a parent creates a lot of emotional and physical stress which as you know is no help to your condition. This will also give your mother a time to recover from her depression. It may give her what she needs to regain her desire for life and it can help build a bridge for a new relationship with your brother. Then see if you can find a church, community center, or hospital that offers free group therapy where you live. These groups will not shut you out and you can miss as many meetings as you are sick and still be able to return. You can also visit www.delivermeministries.org. They offer a great community of companionship with other chronically ill members.

Take good care!

thanks for your reply. And the cyber hug.

I had a talk with my Mom yesterday. It started out as usual with her resisting and me getting frustrated and angry. But I stopped myself from trying to pour out my emotions to her and got through to her that I was worried about what she had said. She said that she felt that way sometimes but not most of the time. She's had a hard year not just because my father passed away but also we've been having real money troubles and she's been stressed out about that. She said she's not really depressed, she was just fed up with everything last night.

I do believe that. I also would like her to get some therapy because she is really stressed, and even if she just gets overwhelmed and not depressed. I still think it would do her good.

The thing is what would help he with the stress is if she didn't have to deal with me. See she's been taking care of everyone her whole life and now she's just older and not up to it. She doens't have the patience and she has her own problems. So when I'm feeling bad and needing her she's feeling bad and needing time alone. it's a tough situation for both of us. I'm used to going to her when I need someone to lean on. Or someone to yell at...I'm being brutally honest. I have taken things out on her. i'm not proud of that. But the thing is she's always put up with that. It's definitely a codependent relationship. I"m not happy about that. It just is. I see it' s time for change But change is hard. Especially after 44 years.

And my brother would be a good person to turn but I've been worried about him also.

I know it sounds like I'm stuff making this up.LOL He was recently talking about how his OCD has gotten worse. I had just found out this past year he had OCD at all. One good thing though is that he himself actually talked about maybe getting help, which is something.

It's difficult for me to turn to others for support also. In places like this even though everyone is really nice I tend to hold back.

The thing is I am alone and it scares me. I know I'm not totally alone but I also know that I'm going to lose my Mom one day.( Unless I go first.) And it really scares me. I kind of think maybe this is a good thing that my Mom can't handle things anymore because it is making me deal with things myself which eventually I will have to do. At least it's not a shock like when someone dies but it' still so hard. If I were healthy and able to get out and things would be easier, maybe I could find a support system , but if I were healthy then I wouldn't need so much support either..it's a catch 22.

I like your idea about the free group therapy groups. There's only one I know of in this area. I tried it a few years ago but wasn't crazy about it. But then again. It is something. And like you said I don't have to worry about them closing my case.

thanks so much for your support. It does help.

[friday7]

Friday - my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that life has been so hard on you. I have no useful words of wisdom for you - like you, I'm single, I have no children, I've gradually lost almost all contact with friends and I'm a stranger to my family. People I used to know well have moved on with their lives, while I feel frozen in time. I guess I'm saying that, although you feel alone, you are not alone in this particular experience. I wish I could ease the burden of it (for either of us).

I can't imagine how worrying it must be for you that your mother has lost heart - I hope that you are able to find the support and advice you need to cope yourself and to provide support to her.

With best wishes

Dianne

Thanks so much for your reply. Although I wish you didn't have to deal with what you're dealing with it does help to hear someone says they are dealing with a similar situation.

I had problems with social anxiety and depression when I was a kid. And even though I got out of that , I never learned to form close relationships as an adult. That's why getting sick was so hard on me. I have enough trouble with people, never mind being sick on top of it. I was just at a point in my life where I was able to get out and socialize and start dating. and then I got sick. I always wish I had a few more years before I got sick. Maybe I would have had some people in my life other than my family to turn to. But nothing I can do about that.

thanks again for your words. Sometimes I feel like everyone has this family and friends around them and I'm the only one alone. I know that's not true but it helps to hear directly from someone that is dealing with being sick and have a situation similar to mine.

[friday7]

I think you are right, it does sound like your mother is depressed, which just makes this challenging situation even harder for both of you. If she has a long-term family doctor, I wonder if you could somehow just let him or her know what is going on?

This is a tremendously hard and lonely road sometimes. You are not alone.

Thanks for you answer. As I mention in an earlier post ,I have talked to her and she did put some of my fears to rest. I am still concerned. Maybe I can ask her about seeing her doctor about an antidepressant. Even if she isn't depressed as she said, she is very stressed and that would help with that.

[Neshema1]

OMG, I SO GET this. My mom rejected me in late 40s cuz I was no longer the star professor but a sick nobody. She invited me home near my docs and went bonkers (realized after being gone and independent so many years, it was always my job to make her happy, which i couldn't). Oddly, Im a psychologist, but kind of turned statistician/researcher, but good diagnostician. Her docs agreed with my dx of borderline personality (totally impossible to deal with). She tried to commit suicide 4 times this past year (all to send a message to her family she was done taking care of others, after living as a kept woman herself, never helping anyone). SHe always saved her enough meds and hid them for her next attempt. Her last attempt, she almost succeeded. Was in a coma for over a month with severe liver failure. We thought she was cooked. But, she survived and with the brain damage only became worse. She blamed me each time, although she admits to being delusional. And, the last time I had left her place and all my docs to go back to my home in a prestigious college town with no medical school and suffered severe deterioration. She blamed me even when i slept thru her 3rd attempt, including the paramedics, and was out of state her 4th (most recent attempt).It was so awful to be rejected by my mom...worse than anything, losing health, not being able to work (my identity), being isolated. Then one day, I realized (after much sorrow), I didnt NEED her (well, i kind of did need someone to rescue me out of there) but I WANTED her to be the mom I wanted, which she just couldnt ever be. It really empowered me, and I know it sounds cliche'. I had to realize myself all I did before POTS. My POTS is extremely severe and seems to have crossed into the MSA, PAF, mitochondrial something zone, according to the guru doc. So, maybe I will die sooner than expected, but after seeing her, I am the opposite of suicidal and realize I am an adult and dont have to take her &*^%! Sure, it's disappointing. Sure, I need help. But, with it comes punishment and I am sure it is bad for my health. I am currently at her house again. She is about the only person who can make me cry and I mean sob. I thought I was over it, but as my own mom has said, "there is nothing like a mom." It is such a source of despair,, but what can I do? All I can do is back off and try to avoid her pathology. Any mom who rejects or is unkind to her own sick child (even as an adult) is disordered, when the child has tried everything to be the model daughter. I'm financially independent even on disability, I was internationally known, and I admit most say I am pretty cute, even for an old lady now. But, I will never be a trophy girl now that I am a sick chick and I'll never be bragging material for my mom's narcissism. Im a simple person now and learning who I am beyond who she wanted me to be. I thought it would work staying at her house part time and staying with friends the rest, but she is so unpredictable and such a drama queen, I just cant deal with it with my norepinephrine levels. So, I was making progress managing her, but tonight realized she can melt down at any moment. I can't take it. I'll probably leave and go to my friends' until i can go back to my house and sell it and get my own place. I am pretty sick and feel stuck,but I am slowly figuring out the freedom of being an adult without a mom. I feel for anyone who has suffered this unspeakable pain, but once I heard my latest prognosis, I just dont have time to be miserable. I am finally letting friends help, although many of my old friends disappeared (new ones, deeper ones, showed up) and some old friends proved they were my true friends. I have to let them see me sick. It's hard. It's better to be single in a couples' world than to be with someone who is wrong. And, when we are single with POTS with unsupportive parents or siblings, it's like being an orphan. But, after coming back (and some of it improving but not to acceptable levels), I realize she is not the one to seek emotional support from or to think will ever rescue me. Hey, the best docs in the world are on my team and they have tried so hard for me, but they can't rescue me either. It is was it is. I am not sure what it is cuz it's way beyond any pots patient any doc has seen, but I'll find the will to keep up the fight until it's over. My mom is not the one who will decide that. Get some space, is my advice (take it or leave it) when u r ready, and embrace your own fortitude, knowing each time she hurts u, u will have a setback emotionally and physically. But, cut yourself slack. It's perfectly reasonable to grieve over a hurtful mother. It's worse when we finally figure out how bad she is or has gotten, once we are adults and facing a huge life transition and NEED help, but don't need her. Wants vs. needs. She wont be the one to give you want u need. she just can't, and be glad if u don't get her, u don't want to be like her, as much as u may have loved her. Love isnt supposed to hurt. I dont know about u, but I'd classify a mother who abandons a sick daughter as abusive, not just mentally ill. Plenty of mentally ill people are not abusive, even if it's emotional abuse. Write to me anytime. Same name at yahoo. I rarely post. But, i never saw someone write something like this. I'll support u, while Im alive. Hugs, Neshema1

'

[Neshema1]

ps, just about every detail u described about your mom's behavior describes mine. You have courage to post. I, for one, am glad u did. And, i am guessing your social skills are better than u think. I am guessing ur self esteem has been destroyed by your mom. I though my mom was the ONE person I could turn to. I now see she had longstanding issues. It took a long time to realize it. And she hates when I cry. I finally remembered she would pull my hair as a child if i cried. I forgot and thought i came from the totally functional family, other than my older brother. My dad, whom I adore, has dementia. But, he was always very passive when it came to standing up to her. She announced she was done taking care of me all my life. Funny, since I came from an affluent family and started paying my own way in high school and ever since never took at dime from them. Regardless, my very existence is a problem now. I hardly talk. I try to be invisible around her. Anyway, u talked of being stuck. I hear ya, even tho I have a house. It's in a place where I can get no care. I am gonna sell it. Then, u can come stay with me. I dont know u, but I know your pain all too well. Ur not as stuck as it seems. I finally realized it. U dont need a group home, though i plan to build an assisted living apt complex for dysautonomia patients with all we need through grants, using all my skills i learned as a prof if I can live long enough and just even sit up more often. maybe you will help me. Adversity can lead u to great things. Don't give up. I say this on a night i cant sleep cuz my own mom upset me. I usually cant wake up. She upset me, but tomorrow, I will wake up and figure things out. Ill stay here a month max, to get enough of a tune up to go sell my house. But, Im about to leave and stay at my friend's. Im lucky to have some true friends. Hate to burden them, but hard to accept help and unconditional love since "normal" has become constant punishment over who knows what, requiring my unconditional love for my protector/abuser. it's confusing, no doubt. Im finally getting I have a choice and I will live without her - somehow. So will u. Maybe things are better for u now. If so, I am glad for you. You figured out how to manage a narcissist, it seems, or u left or u became invisible, or somehow found a way to communicate. I'd love to know if u did, cuz u said she doesnt want to help herself, and that said, tells me her issues likely have not improved. Her issues aren't yours. You've got enough to deal with, dont you? (((HUGS))) please update me. thx. Ur braver than u think.