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Will Anyone Want Ever Me?


Brwneyedchica
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I posted in the chit-chat section about my boyfriend whom I just found out was cheating. He had one of the girls he was cheating with send me an email tonight and tell me it was because he got bored and I never wanted to go out. I never wanted to go out because I have been super ill and devoting all of my time to work and being well. I am SOOO upset. All the while (6 months of cheating) he kept talking about getting married and took me to pick out a ring and told me to quit my job and he'd take care of me so I wouldn't have to struggle to work sick. How hard is it to say hey this isn't working??? I just need some support right now. This is making me physically ill and I just wish I could crawl in a hole and die :)

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((((HUGS)))) I've been through it about 6yrs ago with a man who messed me around. He made me so ill and I never really recovered from it. I just seem to have got worse as time went by and more stresses came along. So I can empathise.

All you can do is look after you now, don't worry about whether someone is going to want you right now. Rest lots and try to find distractions from the pain he has caused so the emotions don't get to you as much.

I know you wont want to hear this right now but he's saved you an awful lot more of grief had you got married and he's shown he's not worth it. Yes, it is harder to find someone with this illness but if a man's worth having he will see past it to YOU.

I've now been with someone for well, getting on for 4yrs now. Accepts me warts and all, though he's ill too so understands better than the average person.

However, don't think of never having anyone again, you have to get through this part first.

Thinking of you.

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Meh, you're better off on your own men suck! They are messy, they leave the toilet seat up and are just irritating. I like not having to answer to anyone and being young, free and single! ;) IT has its upsides. You don't get shouted at for watching Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan or George Clooney for a start! :)

Seriously, I know things terrible right now- have been there myself,but you CAN get through it

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Hi,

I was dating this guy who turned out to be a jerk, so I can relate. I agree with what some of the others put, @least you found out what this guy is like before you got married. Besides, why would he have a girl he's "seeing" email you, couldn't he just tell you himself???

Time heals a broken heart for the most part....Hang in there and try not to stress about it too much. :)

Jacquie

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Yes, someone will want you. There are men out there who will appreciate the strength and perseverence that have gotten you this far.

I do think dating is a little riskier for us than it is for someone more "normal", especially because our health problems can lower our self esteem. I was in a bad relationship a few years back, and by the end I was afraid to leave because I thought I was so messed up I might never find anyone else who was even willing to give me a chance. Six months after we broke up, I realized that I felt so much better about myself and my life that I couldn't quite believe where I had been six months earlier.

I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends when I was getting over the relationship. They supported me and reassured me that it wasn't my fault. In fact, some of the things I talked about made them realize they had similar problems in their own relationships, so even while I was feeling like a total mess I was helping out my friends.

I've dated a couple of nice men since then. Nothing serious, but they reassured me that I will find someone when I'm ready. For now, I'm enjoying being on my own and finding out who I am without reference to anyone else.

Hang in there.

Spike

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I am sorry your guy turned out to be such a skunk...with all apologies to the animal skunks I know!

While everybody might have dated one guy kinda like this, what made it more hurtful and cruel is he allegedly spoke of marrying you and HELPING YOU.

But just remember THIS: His behavior had NOTHING to do with you. Usually guys that behave like this ALWAYS find an excuse to justify their behavior and blame somebody else.

I am sorry you are in pain. This illness *****. I am much older than you but recently have gone longer w/o a significant other n my life than before because I DO NOT HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE to meet folks. Friends visit on the phone, or come to the house while I lie in recliner and visit, etc.

Just learn to be HAPPY BY YOURSELF. Difficult now with the broken heart...but we need to learn to count on our OWN stregnths.

I strongly suggest counseling while you are so distraught. Learn coping tools for yourself.

Be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself for being sick. Again, plenty of men cheat on HEALTHY, ENERGETIC women. Do NOT ALLOW HIM TO MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF.

And block emails of such women who deliver such "news to you via emai."

Learn to make the choices to protect and heal yourself from people that are users or philanders.

Good luck.

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But just remember THIS: His behavior had NOTHING to do with you. Usually guys that behave like this ALWAYS find an excuse to justify their behavior and blame somebody else.

Amen to that!

My guy like that made a big deal about what a burden it was dealing with my health problems and my limitations, but he was willing to do it because he loved me so much, etc, etc. Then, a few months after we broke up, he started dating another woman who was disabled, unemployed, financially dependent, and had a very restricted social life. :o Guess it wasn't too much of burden, after all. :huh:

It's so easy for us to believe the problem is with us. But the next guy I dated after him was an absolute sweetheart who took care of me without resentment and appreciated the things I had to offer. Keep your eyes open, and you'll find the right person when you're ready.

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And block emails of such women who deliver such "news to you via email."

Yes! And to further strengthen yourself, I've found that the best way to "get" to him that makes you stronger is to not talk to him (or her) unless you absolutely have to. Make yourself act like you are not bothered by the cheating bastard (sorry to be so harsh) and what he did to you, and you'll believe it sooner or later (Fake it until you Make it!).

And I guarantee that will bother him more than anything! It's classic reverse psychology. The louder they yell, the quieter you should talk ~ it will bother the crap out of him! And you'll have your harmless revenge to feel better about the situation as well as focusing on yourself, your health, and your future.

No man is perfect, but the question is, is he perfect for you? (I know we've all heard that before, but it rings so true.) And he definately was not perfect for you, that is for sure!

I had a boyfriend where I ended it with very harsh words, and as soon as I stopped acting like I cared was when he came crawling back to me, wanting me more than when he first wanted me and by that time, it was way too late: he couldn't have me and that visibly bothered him more than anything. Even though revenge is not the answer, this kind of revenge is harmless enough and I think it is really healthy for both parties because it might teach him a lesson that he needs to learn in order to not be as much of a jerk and you will feel more confident about yourself.

Edited by sjprice23
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I know your upset and it will take some time to move forward but you will and their are caring compassionate people out there that will fall in love with the person you are and not for how much you go out.

Try not to get too sick over this jerk. You have to take care of yourself this while stressful issue could really affect your health even more.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Dayna

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Don't know if this is helpful...I've never dated bc I'm an orthodox Muslim...I married a friend from my Mosque and we've built our relationship from the beginning based on our shared religious and moral principles. It's all about trust and friendship, and working together to make a home that promotes each individual's happiness in this world and the next (each, including children, we have one daughter). So my perspective it totally from the outside....but that may be more accurate, or less, in some ways one and in others the other. Anyway...

I think that when a person cheats on his/her SO, it shows a deep lack of consideration for the relationship, the trust, and the other person's feelings and well being. It can also be due to severe lack of maturity and lack of self-control. This of course depends on the person's (and the SO's) values concerning fedelity....some people really don't care either way (for themselves or their SO). That's just a different way of life than most people want, however, and I don't think it promotes a stable home for raising children in, or depending on each other in the long term.

No one who has that much lack of commitment and personal accountability will admit that he did it because he's immature and selfish. So don't expect him to make you feel better about why he did it confessionally...he's maybe just not at a point in his personal development where he wants or can handle monogomy, commitment, staying power, trust, etc. at the marriage level...it's not your fault....but it is your choice, your choice to care or not, to move forward and move on to someone more ready.

I don't think illness necessarily disrupts relationships. Don't be afraid to demand what you really want from a relationship (be it trust, commitment, monogomy, or whatever), just because you're ill and you feel low about yourself....it's a feeling, not a reality.

If you are looking for someone to raise kids with, grow old with, and depend on, perhaps your church or a similar setting would be a good place to look...? Just an idea...I know everyone is different and finds their partner in their own ways and at the time that comes to them.

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No one who has that much lack of commitment and personal accountability will admit that he/she did it because he/she's immature and selfish.

And if he doesn't ever admit that, then so long, good ridence...just be glad he's gone and take your time, because it will take time to heal. :huh:

Sarah

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Someone is out there waiting for you , you just have to believe that you just haven't met that special person who will except you 'just as you are ' yet :o

I can relate a very nasty story to you all .

There lived an ordinary woman who loved her kids, home and her life, she met this wonderfully handsome man ...............6 foot 2 inches , jet black hair , bright blue eyes and a body you would die for , he was a 'head turner' kind , considerate and understanding of her illness he wanted to marry her .............he lavished her with love and affection , denying her nothing but the best of everything , day and night.

BUT...............on the very day they married this wonderful man decided to own up ...............it was all a big con :huh: he had picked on her because she was ill ans therefore venerable , he had picked on her because he felt he could manipulate her, he had picked on her because above all these things she had money.

After two years of her finding out about the on-line woman , home made videos, other none girlfriends payments, and his outrages anger .....................this weak sick venerable woman brought him to his knees and he ended up in the hands of the law and then placed in a mental institute.

This woman was devastated , never again would she trust a man , look at a man or let a man into her heart .

She moved hundreds of miles away to start a new life and after a few years of being on her own met a man she had known when she was just 14 years old .

A disabled man who had been hurt , lied to , deceived and had his heart torn from his body by his ex wife because she couldnt cope with his illness, she wanted 'perfection in a man ' not half a man .

I'm now happily married , were both disabled and try to look after each other ( as best we can )

I honestly never ever thought I would find happiness again , I expected to live my life as a single woman with such awful problems with my health ..................yet these problems mean nothing to someone who truly loves you and

' expects you just as you are'

Willows............back on her troll feet again. :o

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As always, there is something very interesting to me coming out of these posts... I wonder:

How many of us have been romantically manipulated by dishonest men/women --not despite our illness and volnerability, but BECAUSE of it??

Did anybody every read "Nobody Nowhere"? It's the autobiography of a severely autistic woman, from childhood to adulthood. She runs into more than a few men who take advantage of her illness and lack of social support to achieve their own selfish aims (i.e. steal her money, use her body, get kicks off feeling superior, insulting and degrading her for their own self esteem booster). I wonder how many sociopaths like this we meet every day... Scary...no, hope for good in ppl masumeh.... But really, several of you have had the experience.

How can we tell the nice person from the shallow swindler?

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Hi everyone,

Please remember the following forum rule:

"You agree to refrain from flame wars, debates and the discussion of "hot topics," which are likely to provoke debates."

I think the pros and cons of cheating on ones spouse can definitely be classified as a hot topic and might lead to arguments, so I ask that you guys please take any further discussion on the pros and cons of cheating to private email.

Feel free to continue to provide support to Browneyedchica here. :)

Thanks!

Michelle

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Thanks everyone for all of your comments! I guess the worst part is all the long talks I had with him when I was crying and upset and frustrated about being so sick and trying to struggle to work and to go out every once in awhile. He told me all the time how much he loved me and how he would do anything for me...anything except be honest I guess. He would always tell me how proud he was of me for coming so far and doing so much despite the challenges i've had in my life. It's just really hard because he promised to help me, and was always talking about how he wanted to make my life better. We had all these wonderful plans for the future that after awhile I started counting on....Now I'm stuck in my mom's dank dirty basement, where they really don't want me to stay, about to sell my car and few meager possessions I own. I had to let my ex's parents keep my dog because i'm not able to and I won't be able to see her because that would be wayyy to awkward. I guess the worst part is that I feel like it's my fault. I know logically me not going out everynight doesn't give him a free ticket to lie and cheat, he could have said it was over and let that be that. But he told me all the time how wonderful I am and how wonderful our relationship was and how much he enjoyed spending time with me. I guess I'll know for next time :)

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Hi everyone,

Please remember the following forum rule:

"You agree to refrain from flame wars, debates and the discussion of "hot topics," which are likely to provoke debates."

I think the pros and cons of cheating on ones spouse can definitely be classified as a hot topic and might lead to arguments, so I ask that you guys please take any further discussion on the pros and cons of cheating to private email.

Feel free to continue to provide support to Browneyedchica here. :)

Thanks!

Michelle

Sorry Michelle!! Won't happen again, just got carried away! :)

Sarah

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So sorry you have had such a horrible experience, on top of being ill. There is nothing worse than betrayal, in a relationship. Obviously this person is lacking maturity and he will continue to have problems until he can change himself. As others have said, he is the one with the problem!

I hope you find a way to move past what has happened. Time is a good healer, as hard as it is to believe at the moment.

Katherine

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Gee, what a surprise! This topic here?

Brown-eyed Chick, let the jerk go, Sweetie. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, look in the mirror at what a wonderful person you are for NOT having anything to do with a person of such l-o-w caliber, Honey. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater, in spite of what others would have you believe.

In her day, my Mother was a beauty -- she was often compared to the movie stars of the 50s with her gorgeous thick head of blonde hair, striking eyes, and a Marilyn Monroe figure, from the WAIST UP. Because she had suffered from polio as a small child, had one leg significantly smaller than the other, walked with crutches and/or a limp, she was sure NO ONE would ever be interested in her, either. Sadly enough, she tells stories of arriving at places early, and being seated when others came, just so no one would have to see her from the waist down.

My Father thought her beautiful, liked her out-going personality, and fell in love with her in spite of her handicap. They married. I only wish I could tell you it ended happily-ever-after.

But, your question had been, would you ever find someone who wanted you? YES. It will be someone less shallow as the fellow who could not accept your limitations, which would have been acceptable, forgivable, understandable -- but how much better off you are now to have not married the creep, only to have him sneak off and cheat with someone.

PS Hope you felt no obligation to give the ring back. Have it re-set into a lovely necklace for yourself, and be grateful it didn't turn into a millstone around your neck later.

I am not a big fan of Dr. Phil McGraw, particularly, but I do think some of the best advice I ever heard him give, as a marriage counselor, was that if you were in a marriage for selfish reasons, you were in that marriage for the wrong reasons. I agree with his suggestion that every day, you ask yourself, "What can I do to make my partner's day a better one?"

When you give to another, unselfishly, and with love, whether it be a spouse or a friend, what you receive in turn, is ten-fold, if that other person was worthy of such love in the beginning. If not worthy, you could hold out that he/she would learn from example -- but that often is like a "diamond in the rough," and takes a special person to see and persevere.

Edited by Michelle Sawicki
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You must be so upset! I know sometimes it feels like you'll never find a guy who can deal with your illness (I feel the same way lots of times). I just try to remember that any guy who doesn't know how to love me and respect me in sickness and health is not worth my time. You should truly be proud of yourself for all you've overcome throughout this illness. Love yourself :(

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Take care!

Shannon

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Please don't give the ring back--keep it as a reminder to yourself that you DESERVE to be treated like gold, like diamonds, and you will settle for NOTHING less than that. Ya hear?

Nina

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Just checking in to see if you're feeling any better. Probably not, but I promise time will heal this.

I was engaged three years ago to a man I thought was good and honest. I wasn't sick then, but he still took advantage of me, stealing money from my bank account and from my family. It took me a long time to stop being angry, but now I just think of him as a pitiful little man who will never be happy. If I saw him on the street, I wouldn't even look twice.

You will heal from this. In the meantime, keep the ring! Use it as a reminder of how special you are, as others have said. Or, sell it, and use it to pay down some of the debt he got you into :(

Hugs,

Lauren

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I hope you are feeling better, too. It will take awhile.

Just remember to read up on books that may help your situation and for you to feel better about you.

Some motivational speaker once said "Do not let somebody else's opinion about you become your reality."

So do not let any of the irriesponsible excuses from your ex make YOU feel guilty or bad about you or your illness.

Stay strong.

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I'm starting to feel better, a little more everyday. I thought he helped me to be strong when I was sick, but he started cheating THE VERY FIRST WEEK I was ever sick. Prior to that I was sick a day here or a day there. So he must have been talking online before that time. Turns out I was the strong one after all. We went in February and picked out a ring, but he never bought it. He kept saying that we were "engaged without the ring." He told his coworkers and his family and mine that we were getting married so I had no reason to doubt it. I wish he really had bought the ring, i'd definently sell it and use the money. Before I found out about the lies he had told me that he was buying the ring when he came home from being on the road for work, at the beginning of November. Something will happen and my first instinct is to call him, because before everything else (I thought) he was my friend. But then I remember the way he treated me and remind myself that he wasn't even my friend after all. He said he would stop cheating when we got engaged. When I feel sad I remind myself that it would always be some excuse, that it would never stop. What next, he'll stop when we have kids? When we buy a house? When he's bald and gained weight? He cheated because he wanted to and he thought that he could do it without getting caught. I guess he underestimated me. If I hadn't been sick, or there would be some other excuse as to why he would stray. I see that now, there were many excuses, and not so much truth. My mistake was dating someone my own age, instead of someone older who is mature.

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