Stubborn Husband!

[Babettegall]

Hi Guys,

Well, this is a first for me in the "chat" section of the website. I've done some light reading previously through the chat posts, but typically focused my time online reading more about dysautonomia and gaining very useful resources for dealing with POTS & NCS.

Anyway, as I'm sitting here today, I thought I'd see who's out there who might be able to just lend an ear or even offer any friendly advice.

My situation is that I want desperately to get a dog. I've always been what you'd call a "dog" person, but haven't always had the "ideal" situations in which to bring one into the family. It was either earlier in life when I was renting, and the landlord refused pets, or living/dating someone who refused to have dogs live in the house.

To make a long story short, here I am, married to a wonderful man for the past 7 years, own our home, and have more time than ever before (not able to work) at home. So, why not entertain the thought of getting a companion dog, right? I don't have the energy for raising a puppy, but rather I'm pulled at looking at various dogs who are needing a "forever home". You'd be surprised at how many dogs and cats alike are in shelters and rescues as I type.

I've brought the idea up to my husband on more than a couple of occasions and he is not at all comfortable with the idea. It's pretty much a flat out "no" at this point. I want to keep pushing the issue, but am so afraid that resentments will build if I do (you know what I mean?).

I think he's afraid that our getting a dog will be too much for me to handle, and he'll be the one out in the yard cleaning up dog doo-doo on a daily basis. Granted, there will be those days when that's the case, but still...........

Another objection for him is that he was previously married (we are both on our second marriages) to a woman who was obsessed with dog rescue organizations. They didn't have any children together, so she made up for it by doting over their own 5 dogs and 6 cats, while fostering many other dogs and cats in their home.

Well, after their divorce, he was given "custody" of two elderly cats which both live with us today ..... and I love them both very much.

Am I being childish here in wanting to bring the love of a dog into our home? The big old goof balls are so precious and offer not only companionship, but a love and loyalty that cats aren't able to offer.

I just needed to get all of that off my chest and into the ears of my peers. If nothing else, just getting a response from you saying that I should drop the idea is fine with me.......... just let me know you listened.

Thanks in advance!

[nadine]

Well, I am the owner of two dogs and I can tell you they have always been wonderful pets and thought of dearly-but since I have been sick they have been more special than ever. My larger dog, always seems to know when I am having a particularly bad day. If I am too long in the bathroom,she will push the door in to check on me. When I am very ill in bed she comes, somehow knowing on her own that I am ill, and will lay right next to me after putting her face up to me to check things out. There is also the enormous emotional benefit of having their comfort. There is some comfort in knowing they are here with me when I am alone. Not like they are going to pick up the phone and call 911, but I do think if i was alone and passed out they would lick me until I came to-LOL.

The larger one can go out on her own in the yard, the small one needs to be hitched as he tends to forget where the yard ends, so there is a leash attached to the door for me to hook him out front. He usually only goes out once or twice before others are home.

The little one loves to cuddle on the bed.

If you get an older dog, who is calm in personality, you would probably have little to do. I am able to feed them, have hard time carrying water dish-balance is an issue, but carry a bottle over and fill it. This is also helpful in getting me to get up when I reallllllllllllly don't want to on bad days.

I would find out what husband's real concerns are and explain how you feel.

I do like cats, but they are too independent for me-

There is something to be said for Pet therapy----

P.S.- the dog we purchased at pet store had multiple health problems. The one from the shelter had none--

[Babettegall]

Thank you so much for your insight and thoughts, Nadine.

You are absolutely right, I should try talking to my husband more about the whole thing, instead of just taking the "no" as though it's written in stone. Maybe it's just my approach to the whole thing, I don't know?

It sounds like you really have great dogs there with you! I can tell that they are so theraputic for you and are loved by you more than they know or realize.

I think the added responsibility of knowing that they are dependant upon us would also be helpful for me as you said it gets you moving on the days you otherwise wouldn't get up.....

I really appreciate your sharing with me, and look forward to talking more about the whole subject with my husband over the course of the next week.

My update on this should be interesting, huh?!

Until then..........

[nadine]

good luck - I hope the update is positive

[OCsunshine]

Hi.. Fellow Dog-Lover here.

I love my little dog Lucy, she is a little black toy poodle and she is soooo loveable! She's very mischevious but I love her just the same. She cuddles when I don't feel well, and she doesn't even need walks! She is so small she gets all of her energy out by either running laps around the house (no kidding) or playing fetch, which is super easy for me b/c I just throw the little toys over and over... and over....

We have a situation set up where I don't have to do much to let her outside for her potty business. We have one of those extended leash things (mechanical handle thingy) and it extends like 15 feet. I sit inside the house on a bench by the door and I let the leash go out the door. She goes potty in the bushes by the front porch and runs back inside, takes no longer than 30 seconds.

So... she's very low maintenance... which I highly recommend. I can't imagine NOT having a dog for company and companionship. My husband is at work a lot so Lucy and I spend many days together, I'd go insane without her!!

Keep talking calmly with your husband. He probably does have good reasons for saying 'no' but talk about these reasons openly. If he's concerned about the obsession starting and he envisions 20 pets all over the place, tell him that will NOT happen and offer to put it into writing if he wants! ;-) And maybe talk about how you'd compromise with the care of the dog- like how exactly you'd let him outside and how you'd bathe him, etc... talk about if you're really capable of doing these things, or if a friend could come help sometimes... start brainstorming together and ... well... good luck! Keep us posted!!

[willows]

Hi Babs,

Just got up and doing what I always do first ...........read the posts

I was just wondering ..................you said that your husbands last wife was obsessed with her cats and dogs and hubby got 2 cats , well this makes me think .

And I'm wondering if your husband is afraid to have a dog again?

Not because of the work, time, cost or any other excuse he can think of , but because he is afraid to give it his love . We all know that in time you do love your cats/dogs or any amount of 'other furry critters' and it can be heart braking to loose them for any reason.

So I'm wondering if when he was married before and he had all those animals if there wasn't one he 'loved to bits' . Because unfortunately some ex-wife's ( and husbands ) can and do make sure that there partner never gets that animal.

To someone who's lost an animal through what ever reason ( death. custody, theft, lost) it is heartbreaking and it is very hard to open your heart again to another ................becuase at the back of your mind is the nagging feeling ................' it could happen again'

An idea !!!!!!

What about you getting him a dog ????? put it in his name , but with you as 'carer, cleaner, walker and stand in MUM' ..............any dogie person will know what I mean by this as you do become a mum to them .

I will when my hubby gets back put a couple of poems on here for you that I wrote about dogs ( on my discs at the minute) one was for my son who wanted a dog so badly ..............I sent it to my hubby!

And another one about 'Goldie' my last beloved friend who was left in a dogs home to die ............until I came along .

Hope that you can persuade him as a dog is unlimited love for the whole family .

Willows.

[Dawg Tired]

I really know what you are talikng about. You might point out the security feature of having a dog - even a small dog makes enough noise to scare away most intruders.

Then there is the affection - the TLC your dog is there for on the bad days.

I. too am a "dog person", and we talked about a dog - but a lost dog came to stay with us for about a week while his parents were located and it wore me out terribly. So, I got a cat! But I hope you get your doggie - they are SO sweet!

[taylortotmom]

Have you asked your husband why he does not want a dog? It sounds like the two of you should have a heart-to-heart. This is obviously something important to you- and something your husband also feels strongly about. So... talk. Maybe after talking you can reach a conclusion with which you both feel satisfied.

Carmen

[Babettegall]

I really want to send a great big THANK YOU to Carmen, Nadine, Willow, Dawg Tired and OCsunshine.....

All of your responses were just what I needed.

Willow really hit the nail on the head with saying that the reason my husband (Eric by the way) is hesitant to getting a dog is because in his "former life", as we like to put it, he had grown enormously attached to a big old lug of a dog named Luther. Amongst all the caos and other critters in the house at that time, Luther was his true 'best friend' and they shared a very special relationship that can't be explained. As a matter of fact, when he had to put his friend "down" for medical reasons, he wrote a very special letter to Luther that was published. I can't even read the letter, as it makes me cry from the get go.

I'm positive that it was that loss that makes Eric step back and emotionally freak out at the thought of letting another dog enter his heart.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a special dog too when I was growing up that can't be replaced, nor would I ever try to replace that particular little girl, but I still have room in my heart to love again. Does that make sense?

I'll approach the subject in the near future again, I'm sure. I'll just be a bit more sensitive to his reasons/hesitations while we have our heart-to-heart and find a way to meet in the middle.

Thank you for listening..........I'd be more lost and more confused if I didn't have you guys as a sounding board!

"woof"!

[willows]

It's strange I just thought it may be the case of 'heart broken once , so never again'

I to feel I can no longer have a dog after the love of my life 'Goldie' had to be put down last November , so I can understand how he feels.............we love them so much , and I'm sure they know it .

Its hard to let go. Willows.

[ariella]

Just to say that the title of your post made me laugh...from the title it sounds like your husband is so stubborn that you'd like to replace him with a dog

Having this discussion with my 12 year old son now who fell in love with a puppy. We live in a small city apartment, plus can't handle the extra responsibility or expense (nor barking, I can't deal with any more stimulation right now). Not to mention I'm allergic. Son is heartbroken.

Hope things work out well for you and your husband

Ariella

[morgan617]

This is the absolute truth, it was on Oprah and they played the 911 tape. A dog called 911 after his owner collapsed and had seizures. It was in the city I live in even...

We have always had dogs. They are amazing companions, and so easy to love. And getting a rescue dog that's already been trained is a major bonus. Maybe your husband would make some kind of contract with you, written and signed. One dog only, adult, house broken, neutered or spayed and vet checked healthy. I don't know. After we lost our last one, my hubs had a fit when my sister got me one without asking.

Now he's absolutley in love with her....good luck. If you are home all day, it can very lonely, I never see our cats, but my Chloe is always a pet (so to speak) away to keep me company. morgan

[Sophia3]

Well as a cat owner who once dog sat for my sister (who has a condo and NO FENCED yard) a dog WORE ME OUT in 4 days...a tiny Yorkie.

I love my 2 cats and my room mates two cats. They are very 'dog like' in that they hang out with me (except during daytime naps) the sleep with me, rest with me and follow me around the house. If I go out to put water in birdbath or feed birds, or water flowers, they watch.

The greet me at the door. Heck, even follow me to the bathroom! So cats are different. I have hand raised many adopted cats over the years. I have found if you get them as kittens and get on the floor with them and nurture them, they really bond.

For instance, I used to gently stroke their foreheads as kittens so ALL grew up to be 'head butters' lol. Mother cats often lick their heads cleaned so I "played mom." My one older cat, will even ANTICIPATE us walking by and sit up like a prairie dog in order to feel us pet his head better. It's very cute!

Also both cats play fetch.

Course only when THEy are in the mood but I often wake up with 'cat mice toys' on the bed.

I say that not to discourage getting a dog but cat's can be sweet. My room mate has a female cat abandoned outside my hallway door years ago...and he never "socialized" her so she is very sweet, but from a distance. She somtimes wants to be brushed but will not let us pick her up and hold her or sleep on us. THough sometimes will with her owner.

OTHERWISE, she is like a feral cat if you try to catch her and trim her nails!!

I hope your husband will decided he too wants a dog but will help you with it. THEY do take work.

Also, study up on the breeds to see what would fit your household. Jack Russell Terriers can be very high maintenace but other breeds, more laid back. Some need more attention..some are lap dogs.

So anyway, cats get a bad rap but dog folks have commented on my two 'dog like cats."

Good luck and keep us posted on what transpires. All pets can be WONDERFUL COMPANY. Keep lots of toys for dogs or cats.

[Aprilmarie52]

I love my two dogs! I would take him with me to a shelter or adoption center and let him look at the dogs. This is what worked for me. It broke my husband's heart to see all of the animals in need. Good luck!

[bttrflyamby1981]

I'm an animal lover myself, so I hope he comes around.

Ask him how he feels about it, and why he says no? His ex-wife shouldn't even be in the conversation, and you shouldn't be punished for things she did.

Good luck!

[BuddyLeesWife]

My husband has NCS and our two dogs have been of great comfort to him, especially when he is the most symptomatic and has to spend more time at home. There's a bunch of studies published on the therapeutic benefits of pets (even fish) on blood pressure, emotional well being and even life expectancy. Yes, losing a pet is traumatic but the neat thing is that the new pet doesn't replace your beloved friend, instead they offer up a whole new set of personality traits and quirks. We will always be a dog family.

[willows]

At long last I found my poems.............

The first was for my son aged 7 who was desperate for a dog and would say anything to get one.........!

Can I have a dog mum?

I'd look after it , honest I would

You'd never have to do anything mum

And I'd make sure it was good.

It wouldn't doodle on the carpet

Or widdle on the chair

It would never chew your shoes mum

Or leave teeth marks anywhere .

It wouldn't sleep upon your bed mum

Or walk mud on your clean floor

And I'd never feed it tip-bits

So it would never ask for more.

I'd walk it every day mum

And brush its coat to shine

If I could only have a dog mum

A little dog thats mine.

We got a cross collie puppy soon after this ......but we didn't quite know what it was crossed with until it was 6 months old............a Newfoundland !!!! B.C. grew to be 8 stone plus (about 110 lbs) but we loved him.

This next one is in memory of my dogs TOR and GOLDIE who were both rescue dogs and who I loved to bits.

Dont read it if your a bit on the weepy side !!!!

THE STRAY.

Alone I cry out in the night

So cold, so wet and covered in mud

Yours eyes look down but do not see

This faithful dog inside of me.

You see a stray

A filthy thing

You do not see this love within.

I cannot speak to tell you why

But wait in filth , alone to die .

Dont tell me you have not time to care

Just walk away and leave me there

Dont look back with tearful eyes

I cannot take another's lies.

Just leave me here as others do

I will not try to follow you

I dont have the strength to say goodbye

And so I sleep and hope to die.

By me .................willows.

[Babettegall]

Wow, Willows! Your poem was amazing........very touching! Thank you so much for sharing both of those poems!!!!

I still haven't talked with my husband yet (the much needed heart to heart)....... the time hasn't been right, or I just didn't have it in me to bring the whole subject up.

I'll keep everyone posted (when there's a new development)!

Thanks again!