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Fed Up, But Not "depressed"


Guest Mary from OH

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Guest Mary from OH

B):ph34r:

First of all, I want to apologize in advance. I am totally venting and unloading and if you don't want to read any further, you are adequately forwarned...

I don't know quite where to start or how to explain things, but I am in a HUGE POTShole!! So many things have happened lately and I guess I'm just FED UP!! As many of you know, I was hospitalized 2x in February (or was it March? ... gee my memory is so great! LOL). I have had SO many tests because of being paralyzed from the waist down (2x) it's not funny. And, yet, they still have no idea WHY it happened!! :o Of course, in the meantime, I've had speculations anywhere from a migrainous stroke to MS to sleep paralysis to IT BEING ALL IN MY HEAD (psychosomatic)!! :o:ph34r:

Plus, I also managed to stop breathing in my PCP's office while having a coughing attack during getting dx with bronchitis and got rushed to ER for that too. The squad had to stabilize me first before they could transport me. They gave me 6 breathing treatments (plus one in the drs office). So, by the time I got to the ER I was doing much better. They basically ignored me there. They stuck me in a room, finally did some tests, then left me along for hrs. I had another coughing attack in my room and called for the RN using the button. I couldn't speak, since I couldn't breathe, but I had made them aware of what had happened and caused me to get to ER in the first place. After 12 minutes, no one had come. My button was turned off. I pushed it again. I thought for sure I would die. Finally my RN came. She put me on O2 and told me to RELAX!!!!! RELAX??!! YOU try not being able to breathe for that long and calling for someone and not getting any response and see how you feel??!! I was NOT having breathing problems because I needed to relax.... :ph34r:

Then there's my homelife, or lack thereof. Would you believe that when I was paralyzed on my couch, after I called my neurologist, I called my husband? I told my DH what was going on and that I had to call 911 and go to ER. I asked him to pick up our daughter after school. He said NO, he couldn't that he was too busy and that I'd have to find someone else!!!!! OK.... Here I am, laying on the couch, paralyzed, with only my cellphone... I spent the next 2 hrs trying to call anyone in my cellphone's address book to see if they could pick my daughter up so that I could call 911. How ridiculous is that???!!! I'm paralyzed, have an excruciating migraine and I have to wait to call 911 because my husband is too busy to take care of our daughter!!

Then, when I was rushed to the hospital when I stopped breathing, again I needed to make sure she had transportation and "care" for after school. Thank God I was stabilized in enough time!!

My husband does not support me at all anymore!! I am getting to the point that, dare I say it, I hate him. He treats me and my daughter like dirt. He used to be such a kind, loving person and now he's just a selfish, self-centered idiot. Why do I stay, you ask?? Because, if I don't, I have NO insurance!! And, I certainly can't afford that!! So, I feel like I'm forced to stay in this awful, hurtful, marriage that is slowing killing me!!!!!!!

I feel like no one understands me or what I go through. Medically, physically, emotionally... I feel very alone. I have a chronically ill child to take care of whom I love with all my heart. But, that too is very draining. And my husband's evil ways are slowly working their way into her life too. He is teaching her how to lie and how to talk back and put people down. I can't stand watching it happen. But, I can't leave. I thought I could because I knew I could get my daughter insurance and that is what was most important to me, taking care of her. But, I realized in order to take care of her, I need to be healthy too. And if I don't have insurance (and good insurance too), then I can't be healthy to take care of her.

Whenever I'm sick, it seems that no one is there for me. I understand about my extended family, they live out of town. But what about my husband? My friends? I try to always be there for others... I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or something, but I try to be there for other people and go the extra mile. I tend to spread myself too thin. I think it helps me take my mind off of my own problems, medical and otherwise as well as pain. I don't expect anything back from anyone, I just get discouraged when no one is ever available for me when I need a hand/shoulder/ear...

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's wrong and it'll screw up anyway and that everything in your life is just going wrong and you are just fed up and tired and are just kind of like an outsider looking at it and one day it is just going to come crashing in?

Well, I can't even think anymore... My head is killing me... I promised myself I'd get a shower today (NOT! again!) and get some of my paperwork done that I needed to (not yet...) and I've got to go pick up Marissa from school in a little over an hour...

Thanks for listening, if you made it this far. You're a good friend!! :):blink: And I apologize for my rant, but I guess I needed it. ;)

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Mary,

I'm crying right now because I totally know how your feeling and it breaks my heart to hear your having a hard time.

Feel free to vent on me anytime........

Amber

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Mary,

I just wanted to know I am thinking about you. I feel so bad for you. I am so sorry you don't have anyone there for you right now!

Amy

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I'm so sorry that you are having it so rough right now.....

We're all on your side here.

It is so difficult to be so sick and not get validation.

Hang in there!!

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i am so sorry that you are having so much tension, being sick is bad enough but when your family doesnt support you it makes life unbearable, like the others said, please always feel free to come here and talk, its better than nothing!! hang in there,

radha

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Mary, I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through all of this... I wish I could come pick you up and hug both of you!

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Guest Mary from OH

Thanks everyone for the support! I just came home after working from 12 - 8pm teaching ESL, picking my daughter up from school, teaching ESL again, and taking her to her ballet lesson. I'm wiped. I have a horresndous migraine that I haven't been able to shake for 2 weeks and I walk into the house and the nastiness at me starts immediately!! I just can't take it anymore!!!

Plus, a really good friend of mine (who is also having serious marital problems) announced to me today that she and her two teenage boys and her teenage nephew are going to come to my house this Friday for Easter weekend to get away from her husband!! Just what I need. My house is a disaster, more stress (having to entertain teens), etc... She's a dear friend and I would never say no. She is in a very difficult situation. Her husband is using drugs, her son has serious chronic medical conditions...

Anyhow. Thanks again. You guys are awesome.

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Dear Mary, with all you are going through, it is perfectly normal to have messy house! If your friend is coming for a break from her situation, she won't care about the house. I hope you can find support and comfort in your time together.

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I am so sorry for your troubles. They do seem to come in waves. I do think you are spreading yourself too thin!! Maybe this weekend you could mention to your friend and kids that you coould use a 15 min. pickup in whatever room they pick. Then order pizza and use paper plates.. :-) you coulduse the friends shoulder this weekend and trade stories. I wish I could help. Perhaps the friend could talk to your husband?

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mary,

i am so sorry for the difficulties you have on your path. maybe you could ask your husband how he would feel when HE was in your shoes. just an idea, think you have tried everything already. hope better times are coming (soon) and wishing you nice easter days (can you get the teenagers to help you???)

corina

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Hi

I am new to the forum but had to respond to your post. My sister became paralyzed from the waist down several years ago days after a colonoscopy. She was in rehab and extended care. She was tested for all sorts of things and they never could figure out why it happened. Now that I have a diagnosis of dysautonomia, I wonder if it is somehow related? It is just so strange reading your story about the paralysis.

Does your daughter has dysautonomia too? I have a sixteen month old daughter who we suspect is having dysautonomia symptoms yet it is not confirmed. I know how draining that is.

I can also relate to the husband factor...my husband who really is a great guy, just cannot understand my illness and I believe that he feels it is "in my head". Very frustrating and quite a toll on a marriage. Please feel free to email me at any time if you would like to talk.

Susan

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Mary,

I feel like you are being hit over the head with a sledgehammer these days (literally and figurativly given those migraines!)...

I am at a loss for worsds, but wanted to send love and hugs. Your post breaks my heart. I wish we woman weren't so often financially tied to men, leaving them in a position in which they cannot leave. You have a PhD in psych right? So, I am feeling like if the options are out there, you have thought them through, know them all, and have the resources? I would be at a lack for any other ideas....

Emily

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Hi Mary,

I understand in some ways how you are feeling. I'm not married but I have the family issues saying "nothing is wrong with me..." the list goes on. It's especially rough when you're not feeling good. If there is anything I can do feel free to ask away, even if you just need someone to talk to. I hope things look up for you real soon. Oh, and don't worry about having a messy house, you have other things on your mind right now. Take care. :)

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