I Think I'm About to Hit Rock Bottom

[d4g7]

I'm only new to this forum, and have had some great advice from all of you, but today, I am so severly depressed, I just want to give in.

If anyone has read my posts, you will see I've had the most awful month ever. Apart from the daily grind of living with POTS, and finding it hard to get up in morning, hard to focus on anything in the morning, erratic heatbeats at the drop of a hat, and fainting without any notice;

I've also had a POTS related outburst directed towards my family - which is still unreconciled, and from my first post is something that most of us have experienced.

I've been charged for drunk driving, for just getting something out of my car and walking home - which will then lead to me loose my licence as I can't afford to go to trial, so am forced to plead guilty, and of course will then loose my job, and I can't get anyone to see reason; and on top of that, one of the only things that brought me joy was being able to play the great highland bagpipe, which cost me over $10,000.00 and has this week broken, and I don't have the money to fix it.

Someone kicked in the front of my car, and someone tried to mug me!

I have to go to court to try and defend myself on Monday for walking home! However, due to mandatory sentancing, I will have to plead guilty and loose my licence.

I just don't know where to turn. None of my family live anywhere near me (in fact they live in different countries), my only friends are my work colleagues, and after I get fired for not being able to drive, I'll soon loose them.

I live in a house that I won't be able to afford on the dole.

I'm sorry guys, just have to let it out.

I'm so fed up.

Maybe I'll wake up in the morning, blurry and slow as usual, and things may seem better, but I somehow doubt it.

Is there any hope anywhere???

Edited November 14, 2005 by Sunfish

[Ernie]

HI,

There is hope. I was in a bad spot for 3 years, bedbound, lost all of my friends except one. We used to have money to do as we wish.

We had to cut down on everything because I can't work and I can't even clean the house and cook.

It is taking me sometime to get used to my new life but I am getting there.

I find satisfaction in different things. For example, I used to travel a lot: Now I travel 5 miles with my wheelchair and pretend I go overseas. I live near the River/ocean so it's not too hard to imagine.<

I made new friends while in my wheelchair so they know my health condition.

I have lost some of my family who don't really care about me and I made friends with other family members who really care about me.

Your life will change and it's still worth living.

[taylortotmom]

I have to echo Ernie. Life can get nasty- I know I have had five HARD years in many respects. But even in those hard, hard times there was plenty of joy. Is my life the way I planned? No.... but, life is starting to change dramatically for me for the better. Out of the deepest darkness oftentimes comes light. So.... while things are bad now- and may get worse- they will eventually get better. The only thing for certain in life other than death is change. One way or another, good or bad, things change. Hang in there.

Carmen

Edited November 14, 2005 by taylortotmom

[mom4cem]

Hi,

Please don't give up . Though all of us here are spread out all over the world, we are right there with you. Whatever little thing gives you pleasure,hold onto that tight,tight,tight. Reach out to your friends,the ones you know who will stand behind you so you are not physically alone. Sometimes,like they say, when you are in your darkest hour, as low as you think you can go,things change and you see a ray of light of hope.

Things will get better, keep hanging in there. Sending you a big hug and know we are here for you.

[Poohbear]

Try to remember that your feelings are understandable. Do your best and know that there is joy and happiness for you; it may be hard to spot right now but things will get better.

[Miriam Poorman-Knox]

What happenned to your Bagpipes???? How difficult is it to fix? My husband is a piper also. PM me.

As for pleading guilty, does Australia give you Work privledges, to drive to and from work? Take Care

Miriam

[Dizzy Dame]

I'm not sure what state you're in, but in Virginia, they can't take away your lisence fully if it means loosing your job. They would take it away except to go to work and come home. Be sure to tell the judge that you will lose your job unless you are able to drive.

Also, the courts are required to give you a public defender if you're facing jail time or some similarly heavy sentence. You should contact the public defender's office. Your courthouse should have a number you can call.

I had a similar situation happen to me recently. I'd gotten a ticket for running a redlight (on the way to the hospital one night). I missed my court date because I was hospitalized at the time. I ended up with a bench warrant, a huge fine and possible jail time. I wrote the judge a letter, and included my medical records and everything got cleared up, I didn't even have to pay the fine! From my expierence, judges are reasonable people.

On another note, I'm sure things will improve for you. And if it can't get any worse, then it can only get better, right?

[Evie]

Yeh i lost most of my friends when i got sick too ... but now i have wonderful friends. In some ways it helps you weed out the not so loyal or empathetic people. It does sound like you are on a rough patch at the moment. I wish you the best of luck with your court case, i know its stressful and unwarrented, hopefully the judge will understand.

I would say there is hope... it just can take a while for things to fix thats all

[d4g7]

Thank you everyone - you were all so right.

1. COURT CASE - My solicitor is adjorning it for 4 weeks due to many reasons, and believes a little letter to the magistrate out of court will get all the charges dropped.

2. BAGPIPES - The manufacturer is fixing them free of charge.

3. FAMILY - Well, I haven't sorted that out yet, I'm still not quite right, and to be honest I am ignoring all phone calls etc.

I've been so, so, so stressed these last couple of weeks, that I contemplated you know what - but things are really looking up.

I'm just going to try and avoid stress for the time being, meditate and medicate, and try to enjoy as many things as possible.

I've just got to remember that I'm not the only person in this POTSY boat - I guess we will all have good and bad days.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post - it really helped me.

[persephone]

Hello,

I hadn't seen you posting before so I thought I'd chime in. First thing I have to say is that you are clearly a kindred spirit with your bagpipes- I'm Scottish and I adore the pipes...it's been one of my plans for years to learn the pipes but I never got round to doing anything about it, except getting my dippy ex who was a piper to try and teach me, but he was SO silly it was never going to happen...

I'm sorry that you're feeling utterly desperate. I have been there. My life utterly changed after POTS- I used to cycle 5 miles a day, swim a mile a time at the pool, was always on the go at University, and just too my independence for granted- never stopped...had fingers in SO many pies, and the more I did, the more I achieved. I was on top of my work, the life and soul of the party, and was out every night because I had a whole heap of friends who thought I was fun to be around. Life was AWESOME.

When I got hit (and I really was 'hit') by POTS, *everything* changed. I had to take time out from University and this meant I got left behind by a lot of friends who graduated before me. I had to move back home for almost a year with my parents- at the age of 24 this is less than ideal!- and accept that there are days when I physically cannot stand up, or even sit up in bed without feeling like I am quite literally going to fall off the edge of the world. Lots of my friends got too distressed to hang around, I felt like my life wasn't worth living, especially when I had such a struggle to get the right diagnosis and began sustaining really nasty injuries (I have broken bones through the fainting). The thing that really gets me is the discrepancy between what I want to do- there is SO much...and what I CAN do...because sometimes there is so little.

The anger this causes can be completely and utterly consuming, and it can destroy you because you start to wonder whether life is worth living. I have experienced this so many times over the last year, I really want to reach out to you and tell you that you aren't alone in that at all.

And I understand completely about the lack of understanding from people- it is horrific. I'm sorry your family have not been as supportive as you'd like. Remember that POTS is very poorly understood, even now and some people, thick as it might seem, really just *DON'T* get it...the fact that we can look so well doesn't help either....I still get people trying to say htat I exaggerate about how bad things can be.

Well, anyone who knows me and witnesses an episode/attack knows that actually I tend to UNDEDRSTATE the risks and stuff, because I won't give in to the POTS! I usually laugh and joke and say "Oh no, I'm fine I'm fine!" with a big grin and try to make terrible puns about being "faintly ridiculous" but inside I feel like a really vulnerable and frightened person because I don't know what the future holds.

I am a bit of a fatalist, and I relaly think that POTS happened to me for a reason. I don't know wht it is yet, or whether it could just be so that I appreciate things more, but out of something bad will always come something good. I am doing a postgrad degree at Oxford now, and it has been SO tough--but it's a fabulous opportunity and I know that when I finish this degree, it will mean so much more to me than someone who didn't have to crawl upstairs on their hadsn and knees in the library to get to the books they needed, or who didn't black out up to 15 times in one day.

I've discovered REAL friends...the ones I have are ones for life, if they can handle me at best and at worst, and I've really begun to notice the best in people...my famliy, friends like I said, even the academics I've encountered at Oxford...people can be so kind and so helpful.

I know how hard it is- but please try and remember the positives, even if it makes you mad. I'm sorry I can't be more coherent at the moment--I'm in a bit of a brain fog at the moment and have had to have a week off from University due to more POTSness, but I just essentially wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and understand where you're coming from. you aren't alone, and I hope things relaly pick up soon.

[d4g7]

Thanks Pers,

I know exactly what you mean. Before POTS, I too was working full time, and also doing a full time dual degree at the Uni of the Sunshine Coast. Because of POTS, I had to cut down on the hours I work, and also have to defer every other semister, as the work load is far too great. I also used to love to party, but can't do it anymore, it takes at least a week to recover. It's not worth it, and most of the time I just can't be bothered to go anywhere - once I get home from work, I am truly exhusted. I used to do a lot of weight lifting, and loved it, but can't do it now, as I faint in the gym, and have been banned. And know it's too risky to do it at home with no-one else around, just in case something happens.

I took up the pipes, as it's something I always wanted to do, but is not good for POTS, as you have to stand to play them, and also the pressure needed to play them is huge - most people, even athletic people can't get a sound out of them - it's a lot like Valsalva.

My pipe major knows about my POTS, and if I feel faint during a parade, we have a special movement were I move out of the formation, so as to avoid fainting.

These last few weeks have been extremely trying - Apart from what has been going on - I've been having 'full faints', were I just black out completely. Severly blurred vision, and have spent numerous days in bed, and finding it extremely hard to muster the energy to even get up to go to the loo.

I'm having great problems retaining fluids, and can't tolerate the florinef, mestinon or sodium chloride tablets, so when I see the Neurologist next week, I'm going to ask about IV treatment, and maybe even oxygen - I'm guessing the occasional treatment, even if only once or twice a week, should help avoid the fainting.

Having POTS is hard - not many people understand, even my partner has issues with it, and thinks I am being lazy, as I look well.

I hate being like this, but for now, thats how life is.

I believe in Karma, and must have done something to deserve this - I'm not sure what it was - there are things I have done in my life that I regret, but I have never hurt another person that I can think of.

Anyway, for now, I'm trying to keep myself relaxed, and keep my mind either clear or occupied, and trying not to dwell on my problems, as that seems to make the POTS worse.

[persephone]

Doesn't WPW syndrome cause pots symptoms? I've met so many students on this forum-it's interesting that there are so many of us, isn't it!

Keep smiling and for goodness sake don't tip over while playing your pipes!