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Just A Personal Rant...womp..womp...womp


k&ajsmom

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Ok I think I am having a nervous breakdown. I havent dealtwith being sick all that well. I have alot fear and the first several months I went numb, almost childlike in fear. I just wanted to cry but was too scared to. Lately with some comforting words and honestly just good old fashioned time to heal me I thought I wa sdealing a bit better. I allowed myself to grieve and be angry and get through the emotions of everything.

That being said, I have a complicated relationship, Im not gonna say a lot on here because its a public forum, but my fiance is a veteran and fair to say we have had ALOT of trials and tribulations with his recovery from deployments. Lately I have been trying to push myself, but after I need calm. I have to vegg and escape for a bit to calm my heart and nerves down. I ahave been getting a lot of guilt trips for this. For playing a game on my phone, or reading a book, or not being talkative (which is nothing new since Ive been sick I am a lot quieter) and for BEING ON THIS FORUM, which isnt really that often and if it is it is a short period of time, and even if it was...I need an outlet, i mean I dont go anywhere or do anything these days.

Ive been woken up 3 days in row with fights. Mornings are my worst time with my nerves, because its a bit depressing waking up to Pots ...again. So when I wake I take about a half an hour before I can even talk to anyone, so you can imagine waking to a attempted fight is breathtaking for me.

This evening marked fight attempt number three for today, and I finnally had it, I snapped and am not proud to say went a bit crazy...dont worry I only threw a teddy bear and lasted literally 20 seconds....lol but all the same the emotions that welled up caused my heart to go CRAZY, and I instantly retreated into the bathroom to calm and collect myself. I felt syncope come on and my heart was extremely irregular which sent me into panic and fear....etc....so avoidable, but there is only so many emotions u can bottle before u blow your top and I had to let off a little steam.

I dont know what to do, I cant leave, I cant fight, I cant sleep.... Normally I could handle these emotional ups and downs and be just fine and work them out rationally. But I feel emotionally traumatized and this constant need to just push him away so I dont get riled up again.

We are both under a lot of stress, Im not bringing in a paycheck now, he is disabled and Im not getting better. Ive talked to him about everything I feel, he knows my nervous system is sensitive to this kind of events. He has seen videos with me and been to doctors and I have literally beat a ton of info into his head so he understands...but he doesnt seem to care now. and now Im getting very bitter, like how dare you pick on me while im sick. I can handle a calm discussion but he just seems to escalate and pick at me. :angry: He has told me his side of just being stressed and worried about me....and the kicker he says he is jealous!!! OF WHAT!!...he thinks Ill find someone else??...because I never leave the house and am disabled essentially, that screams "hey boys, taking applications" really???? <<<BIG SIGH>>> ridiculosly childesh and ususally I could handle this and reassure him but I just dont have the energy to cater when Im so sick all the time.

I just needed to vent, I am just on the edge here and feel like my business, my health, my hobbies, my friends, and now relationship are tanking...and a girl cant even have a good cry with a glass of WINE cause it will make my bp too low...SO NO ALCOHOL EITHER...GASP lol j/k

I wonder if this normal relationship stuff dealing with baggage or if one of us is crazy :blink: Of course its not meee.....<nervous laughter> :ph34r:

THX for reading, I just needed to get it off my chest before I hurt my teddy bear again, poor innocent teddy bear ..ugh Im so ashamed lol... :(

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So sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. This sounds like a lot of stress for both of you. Can you see a therapist to talk through some of these issues--preferably together, to figure out some better strategies for relating? Try not to be so hard on yourself. I don't think this is at all unusual. Chronic illness is stressful for relationships.

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Hugs to you. Chronic illness is hard on a relationship. I can relate because I am a different person compared to the person my husband married.

I used to be talkative, spontaneous, FUN, entertaining, energetic....etc. Now I just love the comfort of my own home. All my stuff is here. My husband wanted to do a spontaneous trip...and it just makes me cringe. I start thinking of all the stuff I would have to bring, support hose, vitamins, medication, fluids, and don't let me forget my salt pills..... It just doesn't even sound fun to me anymore.

I know it has taken a toll on our relationship, but all I can say is keep the communication open. That silent resentment is bad ju ju. Easier said then done.

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Thx guys, sorry took so long to respond. Its been quite a ...day <sigh> this momma is tired of drama. I have essentially just layed the law. I hate to be mean to anyone but when I get my fill, especailly since pots, I am just done with it. I basically layed rules down...number one being "if ya wanna fight , write your complaint down and put it in the suggestion box and its over there, I call it the trash can" lol

Awful I know but fighting just not my thing. I continue however to get attitudes consistantly the last 2 days and I know some of it is his med changes but some of it is just that I am not putting up with it and offerring my sympathy for temper tantrums anymore. I refuse to spend my spoons on it!!!!!! Id rather take a shower and be able to shave my legs lol

Pots is life changing for me, and Im still wrapping my brain around that so if my loved ones cant be supportive then well......theres the door and I will rely on God to carry me through. but goodness if it isnt frustrating.

I do know I have to learn to be more patient (and forgiving)but I am still learning and thats all I can do for now. Thx for your support and I hope you are all well. I think I would have lost my last shred of sanity if I didnt have you guys :wub:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hang in there girl!.....big hug....... I think we have all been through this since getting sick with this illness. If not with a spouse, then with family members. It is a lot to handle especially when you are trying to deal with your body completely losing its ability to co-operate with you :angry: I finally decided after years of putting myself last the only way I would be able to deal with this illness is if I started being a little more selfish. Its survival! my hubby, friends, family were not very happy at first but as time has passed and the more information on my illness they learn things are starting to get better. I still on many occasions have to remind everyone that just because I am not crawling to the bathroom any more does not mean I am cured....... yes I have changed but in some ways for the better....I just don't take the crap any more ;)

Bren

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Thx Bren,

IM glad IM not alone on this, in a way. Things are like a roller coaster around here. I geuss in way I need to understand they are kinda greiving this illness too. As much as I hate it, I know they miss the old me...lord knows I miss the old me. I have had a really rough go lately and had a little meltdown at like 6 am yesterday, where all I could do is cry and tell my fiance ,I dont wanna do this anymore and I miss my family, I feel like Im in a box just watching all them live without me and I so desperatly miss "life". ALl I can do is hope it sunk in to him how hard this is for me. I think he knows but forgets sometimes. He really does so much for us but I think he is dissappointed with this life that Pots has given all of us. Not to say he doesn't just have selfish unrational moments like I described above but hey, I geuss Id be a little crazy if he got sick and I felt like I was losing him to any reason, including illness.

Its hard when family isn't supportive in the ways u need them for sure. My mother still thinks I just need exercise even though she is cognitively fully aware what pots is and my concerns with my heart.

ugh I just want my life back and family for that matter. I feel so disconnected from them through this because I can not feel much other than sadness, illness and exhaustion. This is such an emotional illness at times because of the ellusiveness of the causes and cures. <sigh> anyways thx for the encouragement Bren, take care :P

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k&ajsmom,

I am right there with you unfortunately. I am having a "pity party" kinda day/week/month myself. I too want my old life back. I guess the saying "you don't know what you've got until it is gone" is so true for many of us; I know it is for me. I've had such a rough go of it for the last month. It is all I can do to get up in the am and get going when all I want to do is stay in bed all day and not be bothered.

I toy around with the idea of seeing a new dr., but it's such a hard decision to make. Do I go with a positive attitude that he will be able to help me only to be totally deflated when he says there is nothing he can do as this is the way most of my dr. appt.s end up like??? I so need to try to cling to the hope that I have through my faith, but it is so hard on days like this. I usually try to be so encouraging, and I want to be, but today is just not one of those days.

I'm so tired of living in a constant state of fear. Noticing every little bodily change. Wondering, wondering wondering if this will ever go away, or if this is just my lot in life and I need to get off my pity pot and be thankful it's not something worse? UGH, I hate this life with POTS!

It makes it that much harder to bear when others aren't so understanding. My husband is lovely and supportive, but I know that he gets frustrated, not with me per se, just in the fact that he can't "fix" me. I want to be "fixed". I want to feel normal again. I want to find joy and have joy. I want rest and peace.

Most of the time I try to busy myself so that I can try to forget I am sick. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. Today is one of those days that it is not helping. Someone PLEASE let me off this ride!!!

Sorry to rant on top of your rant. I do think that sometimes we do have to be a bit selfish and not take crap from anyone. Sometimes we just need those moments to ourselves, to grieve, to be angry, to be depressed, as long as we don't stay there too long.

I need to remember my own mantra: I may at times feel helpless, but I am never hopeless. I cling to the promises of God. May you be blessed today :)

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Bebe, I had to make sure that last post was yours, it sounded like it could have come straight from my mouth lol The emotional battle of this illness is become so my much more than I could have expected. ANd please, please feel free to rant anytime. Its so healthy to let this stuff out and it lets us know we r not alone. {{{hugs}}}

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just wanted to add to your rant. So difficult to be up beat when you don't know from moment to moment how you are going to feel and what wonderful symptom is going to be your buddy for the day/week/month.

I actually had an ok few days and then I got the flu. I thought I was going to make it through ok, but on the day I began recovering, I began to get a bunch of POTS symptoms and now its been day five and I am freaking out. I don't want this to be a down slide, how much too push and how much to not. If I sit, or lie down too much, I seem to have a diffcult time getting up. But if I get up and do too much then that can trigger more. Ughh.

I need to eat to keep my weight up, but I am having stomach issues and nausea. This syndrome stinks and every symptom is awful, what ever one is current is the worst. And I don't want people who feel fine to tell me to just try to be postiive and the doctors are going to figure this out. I just want to slap them.

Thanks for letting me rant too.

So thats my rant.

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