How To Control My Anger

[gertie]

I don't imagine any of you have a problem controlling your anger at your DH but mine is the only person that can put me in a rage. We've been married a looong time & we've never been compatible. I've always worked, took care of our family & even my in-laws. He's the outdoor type & cares nothing about how a house looks. I struggle daily to keep the household chores done. I've had this illness for many years but I've never had any compassion from him. I try not to ever mention it unless I pass out & he happens to be there I might ask him to help me to the bed. Enough vent. Anyway, what I would like to know is, how can I keep my rage under control? The stress makes me sicker. I can't afford to live alone.

[juliegee]

Alicia-

You deserve to be loved & cherished. It doesn't sound like you are feeling that way That makes me sad.

I am guessing that your rage comes from the fact that your husband doesn't automatically KNOW how hard you are working- that you are giving every ounce of strength that you have. When you've been married for a long time, it's easy to assume that your spouse is clairvoyant and that he already KNOWS how you are feeling & what you would like him to do. It also sounds like the workload isn't split evenly- sounds like you are doing way more- and you are the one who is sick. I'd be angry too.

We KNOW that men are very fragile maybe try approaching him a little differently. Search your memory banks. Try to remember a time that he actually did something that helped you. Then, during a time that you are getting along, and you are not angry, remind him of that. "I LOVED when you emptied the dishwasher last week. Because of my wacky illness, I am so exhausted when I get home from work. What a treat to have my workload lightened." Tell him how bad you feel. Tell him exactly HOW he can help you- but do it nicely, not angrily. Remember the old adage about catching more flies with honey?

Acid is very corrosive, but it only burns it's container. Your rage is hurting you and you know it. You have a right to feel slighted, hurt & angry. Try approaching your hubby differently/sweetly (reverse psychology) and see if that makes a difference. If not, consider finding a helping professional that you can talk with to help you deal with your anger.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of your illness.

Hugs-

Julie

[gertie]

Thanks Julie, I know you're right. I've tried everything but I guess it's a personality clash. I know all men are not the

same because I know some that actually participate in their marriage. What's funny, mine thinks he is perfect.

[potsgirl]

Alicia and Mack's Mom,

First of all, I want to tell you that I feel for you, Alicia. I'm sorry you're not getting the support and love that you want and deserve to have. I also want to applaud Julie's post, because it's well-written and has good advice. I had to go to counseling when I first got ill, I was very hurt and angry that I had to leave a career I loved and had worked very hard to get there. My fiance also went to counseling with me so that we could learn to work through the illness together, and communication is so very important during times of stress and chronic illnesses.

Please remember that there are a lot of us who care about you, and I hope you have other support systems around home with your friends and family. Let us know how you're doing...

Jana

[gertie]

Thanks Jana, I don't have any family support because no one gets it & I can tell they do not want to hear

any complaints so I keep silent. When I do have guests, even family, they have on so much fragrance I'm

sick for a long time. I've found there's no need to request them to leave it off. Rather than insult anyone by

mentioning it I try to cope till they leave. As you can see I am very hard to live with. I'm to the point I'd rather

be alone. Well, enough of my pity party.

[juliegee]

Alicia-

So many here have come to love you & want to offer you support. Living with this illness is tough and very hard on relationships.

Let me make an observation: the way you are handling your guests (friends and family) is the SAME way you are handling your hubby. You are NOT speaking up for yourself, you are subsequently being walked on , and you feel ANGRY about it. I get it.

You are worth so much more than that. You deserve to feel respected, loved, and cherished- really. You can't change anyone, but yourself. I suspect that you need to be a lot more assertive, not aggressive, in communicating with everyone. By doing so, you will begin getting your needs met. We teach people how to treat us. I like Jana's suggestion about seeing someone professionally. The support will be invaluable & the help in learning to communicate more assertively can truly change your life.

Sending gentle hugs your way-

Julie

[anaphylaxing]

Acid is very corrosive, but it only burns it's container

SO well put Julie!!!!

I need to take this advice also, THANKS!

[HopeSprings]

Julie- you're so calm. I need to take some of your advice too.

Alicia, I can't give better advice than what's been offered, but wanted to empathize on the perfume issue. People don't listen - I have the same problem with family members. I guess we are hard to live with, but really... I don't understand why people who care about us won't make simple little adjustments to not trigger our symptoms.

[Trach]

It sounds like you have been the peacemaker in your family, but with your illness it is now impossible to do so. I can empathize with your position.

I recently sent the article below to my husband and family members who do not seem to understand. If the link doesn't work, go to bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com and then click on " what is dysautonomia". This article helped my family better understand what I feel like every day.

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com/2009/09/dysautonomia-invisible-illness-my-arse.html.

I also have problems with perfume - it is a major trigger for me. Do you ever email or text your

inlaws/family members? The easiest way to address the issue is to explain to them that certain smells such as perfume can trigger your syndrome, and you would appreciate if they didn't wear any perfume the next time they visited because you would like to be able to spend time with them. Send this note in a text or email to everyone.

The counseling recommendation is a great idea. My husband and I are in the process right now. I

honestly do not know how it will end. I totally understand what you mean about not needing the extra stress.

[Katybug]

alicia,

I, too, am sorry you are not getting the support you need. As Naomi said, I can't offer better advice than what has already been given, but, know you have friends here.

Julie,

You really do give the best cyber-hugs I've ever seen. You are so kind and so eloquent.

[gertie]

Thanks everyone, you're the best. I think I'm finally calm. I told my DH this a.m. I was taking the day off &

he could do the dishes etc. He hasn't moved from in front of the tv yet, but I think he will. He was complaining

yesterday about his "sore thumb" & I couldn't help but laugh. I told him when he got a real health problem we

would talk & walked away.

The perfume issue will never be completely under control here. Ever so often I go through my reasons for no

fragrance, they do some better, then we start all over again.

Hugs to all!

[lieze]

I want to thank YOU Alicia because I totally get where you are at.

My husband does many things to help that most likely get overlooked and under appreciated by me simply because I feel so sick and need so much help.

Just being where we are is frustrating enough to bring out the anger.

I'm sure my family does care it just never seems like enough for ME.

My biggest issue is I just want to be whole again and not need any of this help.

Thank you for helping me to see that about myself.

My heart goes out to you Alicia.

Know we are here and we care always and get it in a way that people who have not suffered with these issues will never understand.