Jump to content

I FAILED! meant to go back to uni today...


persephone
 Share

Recommended Posts

The titles say it all. This *****. I feel like such a failure. I was so excited about going back...felt so triumphant and bold, but last night I started to feel really uneasy about it, as if something awful would happen. I went to my GP this morning and he said he didn't think I should travel today (8 hour train journey, changing twice with heavy bags)...so I'm still here, at home in a POTS hole.

Have rebooked for Thursday, which makes me happy (yay, i can go back) but also scared (what if I'm ill again?)

Have had a few rough episodes today where what feels like "electricity" passes across my field of vision and down my face (like tingling). Anyone else ever get this when stressed? It happened after a hideous and draining row with my mum :( I love my mum and I hate it when we row, but I just feel like she doesn't understand my anxieties :(:(

I just want to run away somewhere but I can't even do that because I would bloody faint! :o

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest tearose

Oh, I am so sorry. As you know POTS can bring on sudden symptoms and it can be very difficult to manage. Don't give up! Rest for the next few days and try again Thursday. Can you break the trip up into two 4hour sections?

Focus on getting back to school and try to cool down now. Deep breath and exhale and do this three times. Don't do this so you pass out though!!! Just to find your footing again.

Don't even let your mind think of this as a failure. Keep on taking your tasks and breaking them down into manageable pieces.

rest well, have a good few days to build up and have a safe journey, tearose

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know exactly what you are going through. I did my bachelor (just graduated) by will power and lots of help. I had to cut on number of classes and missed many of them. I kept fainting in classes, elevators, corridors, washrooms you name it! I had an attendent who took care of me but it was very very very very difficult. I would never do it again. I cried many nights because I knew I had to stop school (I wanted to do a PhD). I thought I would have a depression if I stopped!

The funny thing is that I am "enjoying" life a bit now because I can do little things like going to the movies, doing some grocery, visiting my friends. Those are things that I could not do in 4 years because I had to recuperate from the daily faintings.

It makes me sad sometimes when I think about my friends in school who continued at the graduate level but I know I gave more than my best. I sacrificed my health.

After seeing 8 specialists who all confirmed that I was disabled for the rest of my life I figured that it was not worth the financial and physical investment on continuing my studies.

Deep down I know that if ever I have the capacity to go back to school, I will jump on the wagon so fast that nobody will see me leave. But for now, I have decided that I will be happy with what my limits permit me to do. (Even writing you those lines makes me cry because I still miss school. It was my life.)

I am making new friends. This takes a few months but I have some new ones who accept me with my disorder (fainting) and take care of me when I can't function.

Our dreams are very important when we are young adult (they are when we get older too but at a different level) but if some life circumstances makes them close to impossible we have to stop fighting and find dreams where life will be easier.

I wish you to be happy and fulfilled.

Ernie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest tearose

Was thinking about your trip tomorrow and am wishing you a good journey! I hope you are feeling strong and I'm sure you are excited about getting back to the university. You seem to be determined so I hope your POTS calmed down and that you are back on track!

Keep in touch after you get settled in school and enjoy!

best wishes, tearose

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pers, I hope you're able to get back to school--as someone who is in school now, I know how tough it is to have to stop for a while. I missed out for 2002.

Don't let this setback stop you from keeping your goals of going back to school. Maybe it wont be this week... but keep trying. And, I hope you find treatments that help your day to day life be more functional and self sufficient.

Nina

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi everyone! I'm BACK! I made it! Thanks for the kind wishes and everything. My friends met me on the train at Edinburgh and helped me out for a few days while I sorted a new flat. It's a lovely house, really nice.

It's so good to be back, but a bit different, as I'm not in full time classes. Because I was ill and missed my exams, they're saying here at St Andrews that they just want me to do one more essay between now and Easter; but really it's just a formality, and won't stop me getting my first :P

Sunday was VERY hard though....remember the people I told you about who tried to stop me coming back by saying I couldn't live with them because I was a "burden" :( and an "invalid" :ph34r: ? Well, I came back anyway, even though they sent me another email the day before I travelled...I had to go round to their house and fetch all of my stuff from my old room to take it over to my new house. It made me feel so awkward. I started having a POTS attack on the stairs (their house is 3 floors) :unsure: but I was determined not to faint, so I just sat for ages with my head between my knees. I didn't want them to be proved right about my coming back. They both just went and sort of hid upstairs...I really felt they were avoiding me, which broke my heart because I was *SO* close to them before Christmas, and now it's as if Ive done something terrible by getting ill. I sort of waver between anger and absolute hurt and betrayal at their attitude, realy :(:(:angry:

Everything's been going ok, it's good to see people. Yesterday after I posted about my community, I had another POTS attack here in the University Library where one of my former landlords works! I sat for ages with my hed between my knees again, but I just kept getting colder and colder. Then he appeared- I don't know where from and I was like "Say it, go on, say I told you so, I know you want to." But I didn't faint. :rolleyes:

Had I just allowed it to consume me, and fainted, I'd have felt better in about half an hour, but I was DETERMINED to prove him wrong! I had to sit for over TWO hours. Then the janitors came to drive me home to my house from here, and *HE* insisted on coming too....all thewhile, witing for me to drop. But every time I felt it coming, I just crouched down so it wouldn't. He even walked me into my new house and put the kettle on. then offered to bring me up a cup of tea to bed, but I refused, said I was going to do it myself. THe thing is, he was making me feel worse by being there because that made me MORE anxious! But atlast it began to lift and I felt really rpoud of myself...I stood up slowly and said "See? I told you ....I'm in control of it. I can't stop POTS, but I can stop collapsing! I don't get syncopal now, I get presyncopal!"

THAT SHOWED HIM! HA! My mum was dead proud when I told her :P

So...it's still happening, but atleast I am controlling it better!

Hope everyone else is doing ok too. Don't forget to join the Livejournal community if you have an LJ account!

Lots of Love

P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...