tinkerbella Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 I miss you all and I'm not well @ all right now ~ I really need your prayers right now. I didn't make it to addmission to MGH in Boston yet. We had a hurricane out here. She must have had PMS or broken up with her Man cause she was a grouchy ~ I was protected and blessed, but damage all around my home. She took fquite a few shingles from my rooftop to let me know she went by and shut down my power. Mother Nature is mighty powerful ~Made it to the ER @ MGH and they thought they would admit me, but my new midline when my nurse went to change the dressing pulled the thread out and back in again. X- Rays showed it is in the wrong place. They were willing to change it that night, I refused because I was all alone and It hurt so bad for days when I had it put in. I cried and cried like a baby once I got home and the lidocane wore off. They said I could still use it, but to only for infusion, no blood draws. BP 176/80I was now at risks for superbugs that are now at the Big hospitals. I didn't want to get a new one put in if I was getting a port within days, and I thought this was an admission for Mito workup and for epilipsey. What was I suppose to be doing???? Playing figure out the dx???? What a bizzare night. Then the doc says, when we do the muscle biospy for Mito for you, you are going to have to go to rehab after. I said , NO Way, I'm not doing that!!!!! My nurse told everyone, I have no memory??????? She won't answer my calls now. The day she told everyone was her last day with me. I was Bull. She's the one with the memory problem. She can't fill my pill box right. Houston, I think we have a problem~Ok, I live alone~ I asked my kids, I'm ok. My family doesn't get involved... My sister said tonight don't worry. Yeah, be Happy ~ I'm very upset here. I try to tell my daughter tonight that you know this is not all normal. They told me on the phone for me all procedures will be done in a cardic operating room. Do you understand what I'm telling you and I would really like to see the kids before I go.My sweet granddaughter, said the other day when my sweet daughter dropped me off, "Why don't we ever go and stay with Nannie?" Then she said," I really want to." Then we hugged and kissed and parted and off I went alone as always. Funny or maybe not, the week before I listened to my 85 year old room mate right back as they would tell her she was going to rehab. My heart went out to her, she was so sweet and she thanked me for talking to her. I felt like the man behind the curtain. Our curtain was always drawn, she saw me pushed in and a few times in between. She kept saying, "your too young what are you doing on this floor? It was telemetry, They thought I had a heart attack, blood clot, or arm infected I told her over and over again. I loved her, She made me think of my mom and I miss my mom. I wonder if one day my kids will ever miss me. I feel like I'm only a burden, but I know a little girl that really loves me and on the way into the hospital she asked me if we could have a special day together? I said ,"yes" She asked if I still drove a car and why not? I felt sad and sadder knowing her mom will never let me take her anywhere alone. I said maybe mom will drop us off at the craft store when I come home and we'll get your birthday gifts, would you like that? She said, "yes." That is what I live for, a trip to the craft store with my little girl and my little boy who thinks my exercise bike in my bedroom that I can't use, is a gift that I bought him. Who could ask for anything more? I should be admitted Monday @ MAGENERAL Hospital for several days. I'll most likely be alone, as always ~ Take care my friends ~God Bless or whomever you believe in watch over all of you ~love <3Bellamia ~love to all ~Bellamia ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abnel Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 BellaMia, I am truly sorry you are so unwell at the moment. This is a crazy illness and it really tests each one of us in different ways and for reasons we cannot understand. You made me laugh the way you described the hurricane - it certainly sounded like Mothernature at her finest! You have a lot of strength to get through what you do on a daily basis. It's lovely that you have family and beautiful grandchildren that love you. I hope you get better every day and get the medical help you need very soon. xoxox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louloutinks Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Hi Bella, I hope that all is well with you right now. Correct me if I am wrong but it seems you haven't got much support around you right now or that you loved ones don't quite understand what you are going through. I would jump at the chance if my Mum wanted to spend time with my young son - this is something that I think I will never hear her say. Bella, I do not really know you and have had replies on posts from you but I am sending you a huge round of hugs and virtual support and I hope you start to feel better in yourself real soon. I hope all goes well on Monday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayjay Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Bella... so sad for you right now. I will be praying for you. I hope everything goes well on Monday. I understand what you mean by feeling like a burden... but family and relationships are "burdens" by design. We all have to depend on others at one time or another. We all would wish ourselves healthy if we could. So hugs to you and keep your chin up! I am glad that you had such a loving mom. You are very loving to others.Take care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbella Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 THANKS for the sweet responses. kayJay, I'm not on that famous book in the sky any more. They are in the works of becoming open to the who internet. Soon people like us who liked our privacy will have none at all. It already started. So I closed that chapter or my book and if you can search yourself online, watch out you may be surprised @ what you find your self linked to. If not now very soon you'll show up. I can email you more details if you would like.Sadly 30 year olds know more about all of this than we oldie but goodies with potsie brain foggy brains do. When our Books on that famous sky, are wide open with personal info, there's a problem....BIG ONE! Any who, Tinks, I like that name, he, he, he ( those of you who know me know why) I'll tell you one day soon too. the support I have is in my bedroom drawers. They are called B R A S, S U P P O R T H O S E, and those B O D Y S H A P E R S ~ NOW don't get me wrong, my daughter has her hands full a 7 and 4 year old, one in school in all day and the other in school @ afternoons. Then there is soccer practice and games.. We haven't even celebrated my birthday together. I'm a Labor Day Cry Baby, and my daughter is always away with her dad @ her camp and his camp is next door. Along with her in laws, friends, one of my sons. I used to go there when I was married to her father. Now everyone, and I mean every is invited there but me. My feelings hurt so bad about that also. It is a 6 hour trip, but I have not had a vacation in years. Her dad has another family with a woman 15 years younger than him, his youngest child, my granddaughter's aunt is 9 and my granddaughter is 7. My youngest son, listens to me for hours on end on the phone, mows my lawn, takes me to the store, Sunday morning we go to a little thrift shop to find antique bottles to bury for the kids to dig up in my magical garden to make memories that will last a lifetime., he teaches everything I don't know how to do and then more on the computer. My oldest son is my muse, he's an artist @ school We video chat, his art is so beautiful, he finds art like mine, and encourages me... When it was me that encouraged him to do art. He thanked me years ago in a letter for encouraging him to go to art school when all the other parents were discouraging them not to . He told me he thought he wanted to work with kids, and it touch ed my heart..being a teacher myself. He has returned to collage again, @ Bar Harbor MA. a place I would love to live, but may never get to see again. ~"MY DEAR CHILDREN, are all young adults, that I love with all of my heart and would drop anything just to help them or to be with them, because that's what the love of a EverReady's Mother's Heart...She just does " ~ Bellamia ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sue1234 Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Bella, I can empathize with you and certainly do. You seem to always be looking for the good out there and creating good thoughts and kindness. I would love to be able to meet everyone on this board in person, as no one understands our issues like the people here! But, then there are days where we just can't hide the hurt, when it hits exceptionally hard, like when you think about your daughter being too busy to acknowledge your birthday. I'm so sorry that that happened. If your daughter doesn't want to leave your granddaughter alone with you due to your frailty, maybe you could hire a teen babysitter just to hang around with the two of you at your house one Saturday? I don't know if your means allow that, but maybe it could gain you some time to hang out with her.There are days I feel guilty, not from being a burden, but because I'm not the kid taking my parents out to dinner on Father's Day or Mother's Day. I'm not the one cooking a meal for their birthday(besides not able to stand to cook, my house is not up to "socializing" standards--I cannot keep a neat house anymore). And, because of that, I feel like they are gravitating to the other kids that can and do that stuff.But, you have to understand my family. After 5 years of POTS, the other day my dad said, "You know, alot of people get dizzy when they stand up". How mere words feel like a stinging slap to the face!! People in my family just think I'm a hypochondriac and that hurts me to my core! Besides the physical issues we have to deal with, then we get the emotional part that is not of our doing, but of others. Please post after your new procedure and let us know how you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbella Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Guess it's kind of hard to let go of the fact that I was a children's program director, teacher and responsible for so many children over the years. Thanks for the good advice. Now I need to work on calling my cab. May we all reflect on 9/11 and Count Our Blessings~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbella Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Everything is so OUT OF MY HANDS even my ride ~ I have to take 2 cabs to get there. I can call MGH @ noon to see If I have a bed or not. So, I have to setup the cabs. They can't guarantee that they will not be @ my house before my phone call. Can't they write a note, usually I'm the only one on the Whole Bus ?????? Feeling kinda mad today and things are feeling out of control. I need a good nap. God Please help me ~ I need your help, as I can't do this all alone anymore.Bellamia ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corina Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 sending good thoughts bella mia!take care,corina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RockiesGirl Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Oh my goodness BellaMia I am reading your post...tears running down my face. I grant you that I have not been in a good place this week either, but where in this world are you? Can I help you in any way? From one Potsie to another I feel your pain!!! I have been here on the site since Feb of this year I think. & I still have so much to learn!! Funny how life does that! Please post some more and let me know that you are ok.HUGS and love to you!!! & from your writings it appears that you know God is with you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juliegee Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 ((((((((((BellaMia)))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbella Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Rockies Girl ~Hello Sweet one, Now don't cry or I'll cry more." Makes me think of my little Granddaughter who's Gram pa died this past May ~ Ever since she thinks I'm going to die, and when she cries I cry and she say's, Nannie, don't cry or I'll cry more." I'm sorry your having such a bad week also, I'm so self centered this week which is so not like me. I'm so overwhelmed, been waiting for help all day to come, the insurance company sends a homemaker out. Someone I don't know, and she arrives when I'm at bed @ 8 pm. Sorry the lights are off and no ones home when it's that late and I've never met you before. I needed help with a shower and getting my hair washed. She called earlier, and was coming but my son was here and it was his grandmother's birthday and she passed away in January. So, we needed are time together. I wanted some hugs today. So she said she stop by later, but I didn't think she meant that late. I have so much to do, but I'm going to call it a night. My body H U R T S so bad tonight ~Also, the line I type are so wavy and I just had that checked out a few months ago.I'd like to leave with this prayer of friendship tonight. The prayer is by Vienna Cobb Anderson and it about says it all... Prayer for Friendship You have blessed us, O God, with the gift of friendship, the bonding of persons in a circle of love. We thank you for such a blessing: for friends who love us, who share our sorrows, who laugh with us in celebration, who bear our pain, who need us as we need them, who weep as we weep, who hold us when words fail, and who give us the freedom to be ourselves. Bless our friends with health, wholeness, life, and love. Amen. Love to all ~Bellamia ~*-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbella Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Thanks Julie, Hope all is well with you these days.I sure needed that ((((E-Hug)))) tonight ~ T H A N K S ~ TIME FOR A BEDTIME SNACK! BELLAMIA~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
potsgirl Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Just a short note to tell you that I'm thinking of you this morning, as you prepare for your hospital stay and procedures...I wrote you an e-mail that I hope you get the chance to read before you leave your home today. Why is it that you're alone in the hospital all of the time? I can't imagine that your daughter/son/friends wouldn't want to be there with you! You're so thoughtful to others, but it seems like there aren't many around you who are thoughtful to YOU. Again, I wish I were closer to you and that I could be there holding your hand right now.Realize how special you are to so many people - including me.((((HUGS AND POSITIVE ENERGY YOUR WAY)))I'll pray a special prayer for you today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RockiesGirl Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Also sending LOVE and big gigantic HUGS to you!! Please try to keep us posted during your hospital stay!! Good Luck and God Speed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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