Eillyre Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 Dear friends,I hate to post this right before the holidays -- I just felt like I needed to talk out a situation that I ran into the day before yesterday. I guess it's sort of a hybrid of a musing, a venting, and a plea for advice. I was not feeling very well at all, but wanted to make an effort at some short shopping for Christmas presents. While I was at one store, I almost bumped into a girl I used to dance with -- she didn't see me, though. She's very sweet and I wanted so much to go up to her and say hi and catch up on what she's been up to, but, I'm rather ashamed to say, I didn't. I know it sounds pathetic, but I actually HID behind a column in the store as she walked past and then skulked around behind store displays until she left the store. It was a moment that I had been dreading...the first time I ran into someone from my "former life." I'm absolutely mortified by my behaviour, but at the same time, I just didn't know what else to do. As soon as I saw her standing there looking so very tall and thin and like the very successful dancer she is, everything that I've struggled with these last nine months engulfed me...not getting to laugh through mishaps with friends at rehearsals, no pre-performance excitement while applying make-up and donning exquisitely beautiful tutus and tiaras, the aching muscles from not being able to take class, missing the exhilaration of flying through the air as the music swells and crescendos, having difficulty walking around let alone dreamily walzing and foxtrotting around the floor at midnight, never running to catch the subway to get to my next class, having to pack away the size 4 pants until I can excercise to get myself back into shape (yes, I know it's vanity ).... I could see it all for a moment, could feel it all again as if it were real. Everything inside me rebelled at the idea of asking Emily what was going on in her life, knowing that the dreaded question would soon arise..."And so what are you doing these days?" How could I explain to her in the middle of the bustle and shoving of a crowded Barnes & Noble that a great deal of my life has been turned upside down? One does not simply shout over the surrounding noise that all one's dreams have been shattered...that life these days is regrouping from that sorrow and forging a new path, embracing the simple triumphs of the day such as doing dishes or getting a bowl out of the cupboard for breakfast without fainting.Sure, I could have used that standard line, "Well, I got sick in April and eventually had to completely stop dancing in July; right now we're still trying to find someone who can find a treatment that will get me back to more normal health." But, somehow that just didn't sit right with me. Maybe it was an issue of ego, not wanting to admit to this girl, who's been "groomed" from the age of three to be a successful dancer and now performs with NYC Ballet, that she's going to achieve a life of success in a field that I love, while I, at this point, probably never will. Maybe it was a matter of feeling like we really had very little in common now, beyond a love for dance. I still don't know. I'm not wanting to ramble and I know that most of you were not dancers, but you've all suffered your own particular losses and still work on adjustments to life that dysautonomia brings. I'm not even sure what sort of response I'm looking for in posting this, but I felt like I needed to let it out anyway. Please don't think that I'm in a pit of despair over the turn my life has taken -- I know God's has this all worked out into the most beautiful plan imaginable and I take joy & hope in life. I think it'll be easier to handle this sort of situation as time goes on, but do you have any words of wisdom on this sort of situation? Just wondered. Thanks for listening -- sorry it's so long for tired eyes and foggy brains! With love,Angela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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