Having Pots And Being In A Relationship..

[Nikki]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, so just correct me if it's not. My fiance and I have been together for over two and 1/2 years now and engaged for about 7 months. We were in a long distance relationship for a good bit of those two years and after college he got a job in my state, so now we only live an hour apart.

The thing is, I know when we were just long distance he would come and see me one weekend out of the month (it was an 8 hour drive for him) and other weekends he'd be visiting his parents and hanging out with friends and things like that. Now, in the fall and winter months we saw each other every weekend. The other day we were talking and he mentioned that since the summer is approaching, he's going to be gone a lot more than he has been. I'm pretty sure he's going to be gone three or four weekends in a row to hang out with friends..So we probably won't be seeing each other all that often if that's the case.

My question is..I'm feeling bad that I'm never feeling good enough to travel far at all, so I can't go with him..He's very understanding about what is going on with me and have gone to doctor appointments and trips to the ER with me..Heck, he moved all the way out here because he does care about me..but I sometimes wonder if we were married or living together and I still feel how I do most of the time, if I'd be stuck by myself..and when I'm feeling bad, I like someone with me. Sometimes I'm too dizzy to get things myself, or afraid to walk around and I like someone there in case something were to happen. It just makes me feel better. My family thinks if we were married, he should stay with me most of the time (I'm not saying he can't go see family and friends, but maybe to space it out some, or something) if I'm still not able to travel. I feel like holidays might be an issue too. I don't want to be too sick to travel with my fiance/husband, and just get left behind because his family lives in one state and mine in another..but at the same time..he shouldn't have to be 'stuck' at home with me just because I can't go, right?

I'm just torn because I don't know what to think..Or exactly how relationships work when one person is sick. In my opinion, I wouldn't leave the other one behind if they're not well enough to go - but at the same time I wouldn't expect someone to just stay with me when they have other things going on. He's able to go, so why sit at home with me when I can't do a whole lot anyway..Ya know?

I don't know..I guess I'm just looking for opinions if anyone else has ever been in this kind of situation. What are you supposed to do?

[issie]

It sounds like you found a precious gem. You are right about not wanting to stop him from traveling. If you try to be too clingey, he will get resentful. Also, it shows that you trust him in your relationship to be away from you. Marriage is based on trust and mutual understanding of each others needs.

LOVE is the main ingredient in a long lasting and happy marriage.

[Guest tearose]

ditto to what issie said including the married 30 years part!

It is the quality of your relationship that counts. Trust and let go.

I think the clearest way to describe a healthy relationship with or without disability or chronic illness...is that the two people must be BOTH completely intertwined and totally independent.

You must "want" each other more than "need" each other. Anyone can help us with our needs. A healthy loving, soulful, significant other relationship must be both nurturing and free.

[corina]

issie is right, love is the keyword. my husband and i (and our sons (19,16) try to travel for our summerholidays once a year. we like to go with friends so that we can split up. our best friends know my limitations and it's always so easy to be toghether and ALL of us having a great time. the boys can do boys things and the girls girl things and in the mean time i can relax or nap or sleep or whatever i want/need. there's always someone to talk to or to go out with.

what i think is very import also, is that you need to give your partner time "off". off of caring, feeling responsible, just enjoy him/herself. s/he will return home with a fully loaded battery ready to be there for you again. last but not least, take good care of yourself as well, take your own time, your own hobbys, friends etc. it's important in a relationship that both of you are equal partners whether you are sick or not!

good luck nikki!

corina

[Nikki]

Alright, thanks for the replies guys. I do trust him, and I never complain about him going off and doing things. I guess I just worry that we'll always be doing seperate things all the time if I don't get better soon.. I'm sure everything will work out one way or another though. Thanks again!

[firewatcher]

Nikki,

My husband is a commercial pilot. He has gone to Paris, London, St. Lucia, Puerto Rico, etc. and has asked me to go with him....just for two or three days. My parents have offered to keep the kids. But, I JUST CAN'T. I don't travel well, I don't sleep well away from home and half the time, I don't feel well. I'd love to be able to pick up and go with him, but after ten years, I still haven't been able to go. He is taking his parents to Hawaii in two weeks, I could go too, IF I COULD. He understands. He feels badly about it. But our marriage is strong and it can work. Understanding is key. Good luck!

[erikainorlando]

I think balance and understanding is probably the key. I am no success story at these relationships....so take what I say with a grain of salt. But while I think he should go and have fun. I think 3 - 4 weekends in a row to hang out with friends is a bit escessive. If it was for work etc. I guess I would understand more...but to just go hang out and you are engaged. Hmmmm. I don't know that it even has anything to do with the fact that you are ill.

My parents are married many years and he doesn't like to be away from her that much. He ski's with friends and belongs to a bike club etc. but he is not leaving her almost every weekend.

I think it is whateverr we are comfortable with. Certainly we are more needy and clingy when we re sick or first diagnosed or having a bad flare. And hopefully we get used to the fact that we have a condition and have to learn ways to live with it without exepcting the people in our lives to be like caged animals. Yet, there should be comsideration on both sides.

I don't know too many women who would want to be left alone weekend after weekend sick or not sick.

But hey...everyone gets an opinion.

Erika

[Nikki]

I think balance and understanding is probably the key. I am no success story at these relationships....so take what I say with a grain of salt. But while I think he should go and have fun. I think 3 - 4 weekends in a row to hang out with friends is a bit escessive. If it was for work etc. I guess I would understand more...but to just go hang out and you are engaged. Hmmmm. I don't know that it even has anything to do with the fact that you are ill.

My parents are married many years and he doesn't like to be away from her that much. He ski's with friends and belongs to a bike club etc. but he is not leaving her almost every weekend.

I think it is whateverr we are comfortable with. Certainly we are more needy and clingy when we re sick or first diagnosed or having a bad flare. And hopefully we get used to the fact that we have a condition and have to learn ways to live with it without exepcting the people in our lives to be like caged animals. Yet, there should be comsideration on both sides.

I don't know too many women who would want to be left alone weekend after weekend sick or not sick.

But hey...everyone gets an opinion.

Erika

I agree with what you're saying. I think being gone a lot for work and leaving to hang out with friends are two different things. He's actually going to be gone for three weeks in Singapore for work this fall - and that doesn't bother me a bit. I guess I just feel bad that the places I could go if I felt better (like with him to visit his family and friends or something) I can't..He's fine with it. I guess I'm just the only one thinking it's a bad thing lol. Like everything else in life though, I guess I just have to wait and see how things go. Hopefully I'll get better and be able to travel some more and this won't be an issue for me.

Thanks for replying.