My Husband Wants Me To Go On A "birthday" Ski Trip With Him

[futurehope]

Hi,

My husband used to ski before I knew him and he hasn't done it in 30 years. He decided for his birthday to arrange a Fri-Sun ski trip birthday combo for him, me, his brother, my sister-in-law, my step-daughter (his daughter) and her husband.

I know skiing is out of the question for me. The ride up there (first to New York City from Baltimore, to pick up the kids, and then on to Connecticut), is a big deal, all day thing for me. Then, we turn around and do the same thing in reverse, two days later.

My husband wants me there to share in the birthday dinner with everyone. He, his brother, and my son-in-law all have birthdays near each other. At first, I said "fine, I'll go". But as the time is getting closer (next weekend), and I realize people will be out on the mountain Friday night and all day Saturday, I'm getting depressed. My husband said I'm supposed to "enjoy" the surrounding countryside, and maybe sit in the lodge, or read a book, or check out the town. (I have no idea of the surroundings and will not be able to reach anyone by phone while they are skiing).

To me, it's like asking a Vietnam vet with war injuries to come on out and enjoy what everyone else is doing. I'm an invalid who cannot ski. I am aware of my limitiation and on a normal basis, I can mentally handle anything that comes my way.

But........

the idea of sitting there at dinner Saturday night, while everyone is rehashing the "great" times they had that day and prior night skiing, seems like a recipe for depression to me.

Like I said, I'm normally totally adjusted to my disability. But, this seems to me like banging my head against a wall, and then telling myself how good it feels to bang my head.

I do not know how to mentally adjust to being amongst 5 other people all engaged with an activity that I cannot participate in. If there were snow tubing, I might have tried that, but there is no snow tubing where I'm going.

Can anyone set my head back on straight? Like I said, I normally do not put myself in situations where I have to feel left out, unless it's a relatively short amount of time. This is a weekend......and I'm having trouble adjusting emotionally to being left out for the entire time.

I'm also feeling selfish for anticipating how difficult this will be for me emotionally.

P.S.My husband's response to me is to tell me not to be a "stick in the mud". Inability to ski should not keep me from a good time, so he says.

[futurehope]

Never mind. I straightened out my own skewed perspective by realizing that there are people in Haiti right now who are struggling to survive. I have no right to think anything is difficult for my emotions. I do not know what difficultly people have every day to survive? My problems seem as nothing. Sorry for the original post.

[lauralulu]

No no, you don't have to be sorry for your feelings, they are perfectly valid, and while it's true that yes, there are other people who have it tougher, it doesn't mean you shouldn't feel what you do, or have no right to.

There's always going to be someone worse off but that doesn't mean you can't be sad about what your own personal limitations. I can understand perfectly why you were feeling that way. I am glad you've talked yourself around, but never feel like you have to apologise for getting low or fed up about things! It happens to EVERYONE from time to time and just because there are orphans or people with cancer or whatever, does not mean that we should all go around thanking our lucky stars. We can still sometimes feel like poo about the cards that have been dealt us, even if they aren't as bad as cards dealt to others, y'know?

[MomtoGiuliana]

It is hard and frustrating to have to be left out of something you would enjoy, and on top of it have to endure a long car trip that may be hard on you physically. Too bad it didn't occur to your husband, but this must be something HE really enjoys and is hoping you will be ok with it?

It could be boring to sit in a ski lodge all day, but hopefully there will be something there that you can do. Can you research the area in advance? I don't know what your limitations are but maybe there will be something interesting going on that you can do.

[futurehope]

Lauralulu,

Thanks for your kind words.

MomtoGuiliana,

Yes he used to enjoy skiing, before he knew me, and yes, he will enjoy it. I suppose he will feel guilty if I'm not participating in his birthday event, so he prefers my presence. I understand his perspective, and I'm going in order to make him happy.

As for me, I'm investigating the surrounding area to see if there is anything I can do, and, aside from outdoorsy type things (skiing, hiking), it doesn't look too promising. Like I said, I do want him to be happy, and for me to get over my selfish feelings. There are worse things in the world than feeling bad that I have to share in joy with people having a good time. It's a learning experience for me.

Usually, I do not care and I find something else to do, but this particular event seemed harsher and more difficult than usual.

[iheartcats]

While of course there are terrible things in the world, you do have a right to feel bad about yourself on occasion. I understand - and I do try to put things in perspective myself but we're only human.

That said. I would find it relaxing to be away and be able to read and relax a couple of days. Rather then thinking about what I can't do on a certain trip, I'd think about what I can do. No worries about cleaning, cooking, and just the ability to sit and read and chill out would be enjoyable.

It sounds like you'll make the most of it, which is awesome. Do you take photographs? It sounds like a pretty area. Maybe you could do a little scrapbook of the trip and give it to your husband to remember his birthday weekend by.

[Elfie]

HI!

It is totally ok to feel frustrated. I often get upset when I am put in similar situations. My family is a very outdoorsy family and that is how we spend time together-- doing outdoorsy things. I'm a youngun' (20) and used to be very active, running, cross country skiing, snowshoeing, rock climbing, scuba diving, hiking, swimming, lifting weights, and fishing. We live in the mountains and there isn't a whole lot else to do. I also worked a very active job and loved it. However, this has all had to change because of POTs. It has been hard because we have struggled to find new things to do together. It is often difficult for family members to understand why I am reluctant about coming along and often don't understand why I am not having a great time. I have to sit and watch (usually from afar) as family members enjoy things I used to love to do with them. To top it off, I am usually having to sit somewhere cold or wet or mosquito-y.

Is where you are going going to be higher elevation that where you live?

If it is you may not have to find anything to do. Usually when I got up in elevation I don't have the energy to do anything-- even using my brain. You might elect to sleep a lot so you have the energy to hang out with everyone in the evening.

[futurehope]

I'll be in the Berkshire mountains, of which I know nothing, at the moment. Yes, higher elevations tend to wear me out. I've already informed my husband that he cannot rely on me driving everyone the 11 mile trip to the mountain, and then find my way back to the inn, and then drive back out there and get them. It's the middle of nowhere for me, and too dangerous. I might get lost and have no clue.

Yes, members of this family, no matter what the age, tend to be outdoorsy, hikers, bikers, "lots of stamina-type" of people, and I certainly have become the "dead weight".

It's supposed to be really pretty in the mountains, but I'll probably stay back at the inn, so as not to get lost, and to be able to rest up from the trip there and to be able to enjoy the dinner (now that's another story). I really do not want to get stuck at the ski area waiting for everyone because the elevation may get to me, not to mention all the sitting.

It definitely would have been easier to stay home, but I never know. I might enjoy the scenery and "getaway" as Cat_Lady said.

It's for my husband, not for me.

[runningshoe]

futurehope

Is there a spa nearby...that would be my solution!! Hang in there.

[futurehope]

Lina, I had thought the exact same thing, about a spa. I cannot see much there on the internet, and am freaking out about "finding my way" in places I am unfamiliar with.

I freaked myself out last night, was a basket case and could barely sleep. All I kept thinking about was an 11 mile ride from the slopes to the Inn on roads I'm unfamiliar with, in the mountains in winter, with a cell phone that might not work in the area. (Long story, short, A friend of mine's two kids and grandkids got lost on a mountain at night because they were relying on their GPS, which didn't work where they were, and their cell phones, which were losing juice. They got out okay, but spent a harrowing 2 hours totally lost.)

So, as of right now, I have no idea how I could manage, and decided going is too risky. But....I could change my mind.

The thing is, it is TOTALLY unbelievable how much time I spend thinking ahead about things since POTS. Obviously, this illness leaves me with less options then if I were able-bodied, so I MUST think ahead.

I keep reminding myself of how foolish these gyrations are in the face of poor people who are starving. That is how I keep myself sane and how I alleviate the stress and uncertainty of decisions I have to make because of POTS.

Thank you DINET for having this forum that I can post on, populated with caring people who "get it".

[MomtoGiuliana]

Do you have a GPS for your car?

I know what you mean about freaking out about finding your way in an unfamiliar area. I am someone who easily get disoriented in new surroundings (something I am so well-known for, my friends tease me about it). Ever since I got a GPS I am much more relaxed when driving in a new area.

[futurehope]

MomtoGuiliana, Yes, we have a GPS, except only my husband knows how to use it at this time. Maybe it's time I learned?! Also, one cannot assume that they work everywhere. I'll let you know what I decide.

[MomtoGiuliana]

They are pretty easy to learn to use...I agree that relying on them 100% is not a good practice, although I have never had a problem. It's good to keep a map or back up directions at hand as a precaution.

[Elfie]

Is there another family member that doesn't ski that you could convince to tag along? Then you would have someone to drive/navigate and spend the day with. You could also call the ski area or the hotel or resort you are staying at. They are usually a great resource of info on what is available to do in the surrounding area for non-skiers. You could also call the town chamber of commerce or even just town hall (even little towns are usually online if their website provides nothing more than those phone numbers). Many ski areas or towns with ski communities often have shuttle buses around town or to and from the mountain. So, if you don't want to drive you don't necessarily have to. You skiers could take the bus to the resort or you could piddle around town on one.