hollie Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Hi all. Haven't posted in a while as I've been doing pretty well... at least as well as anyone can with this crap. I'm just having a hard week and needed to vent. Last week I FINALLY got a responce to my disbility claim (after 9 months of paper work and phone calls). They denied my case, which I heard is usual for the first go round. I understand that and expected it. But deep down, I had hoped the fight would be over soon. It made me feel EXTREMELY worthless! Thanksgiving came and went. I felt like **** the whole day and couldn't help as much as I wanted... more worthlessness! Friday I got a call that my grandma had been diagnosed with breast cancer! My mom went through it about two and a half years ago, so I now know what to expect. The problem is she's 85 and really fradgile. We all know she will probably not make it through any kind of treatment. To add to the day, my sister and I got into a fight and haven't talked since (we talk a couple times a day usually). Today, I've been having the "drunk" feeling all day... more than usual... my heart is doing more jumps and skips than usual... my lungs feel tight too... sharp pain in my lower right lung for a couple weeks. Long story short (ok, maybe not so short), I feel so down. I'm sick of this! I'm sick of not being understood... I'm sick of trying to please everyone and pleasing no one... I'm sick of not being able to provide for my family... I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself... I'm sick of not being happy... I'm sick of being sick...I see my doc tomorrow. But, you know how it goes... I'll get there and I'll feel fine at the time and he'll see nothing wrong with me... UGH! I just want some help - is that too much to ask?Hollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
potsgirl Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Hi Hollie, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough period. I'm sending you a nice, big bear hug and loads of empathy. I also went through the whole disability rigamarole, and yes, almost everyone is denied the first, and usually the second time. Appeal as soon as possible, and I would get a good lawyer, too. It really helped my case get through the system, although it still took me almost 2 years to go to court and be approved. It's worth it, though, so keep pushing!I wish your grandmother the best, and the strength for you and your family to help get through this crisis. At some point, you need to realize that you're not worthless and that you don't need to please anyone else. You need to take care of YOU, and come to terms that your 'life rules' have changed, and you can't have the same expectations of yourself anymore. You'll probably learn in time to be able to appreciate those things you can do, instead of focusing on the things you can't.Hang in there, and know you've got a lot of support here on the forum! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbella Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Hollie,Hang in there sweetheart!Bellamia~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Thanks girls! You said pretty much what my doc did today. He saw how down I was and have been for a while. After talking with him for about 45 min, I felt better - even though I cried thru most of the appointment. We both realized that I have been feeling like I have to PROVE my illness to everyone, including myself. He reasured me that it IS proven to me and to him... and that's all that counts... everyone else can take a hike. I don't need to prove anything to anyone! I just need to keep telling myself that!! The problem is that I DO have to prove it to the disability people... That's what's going to get me! I have been doing really well with accepting all this and living my adjusted life, that is until the last few weeks. I just have to accept setbacks as well... even tho they REALLY stink!I have been dealing with a lawyer since day one (which was just over a year after I started getting really sick). I heard what a pain and a stuggle it all is and didn't want to go it alone. Hopefully they can get me thru all this! I just thought it would be over by now... 10 months later... better roll up my sleeves and get my fighting gloves on!HolliePS... He also suggested I talk to more people with POTS and similar problems because I need to have a better community of people to support me more. I told him I had found a (THIS) site with a great supportive following (over a year and a half ago), but I haven't posted for a while. He suggested I post more to help me talk thru all this. So don't be suprised if you see me lurking more here and there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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