Help

[DSM3KIDZ]

As you all know I was going throuh a divorce well we just had our court date yesterday. My husband totally betrayed me by his lawyer telling her I need help caring for my kids and keeping up with the house. Well the judge barley let us tell our site of the story.....................then bam he said I have till Oct.1st to leave and I can only see my kids evry other weekend . I am so hurt and so lost all I can do is cry. I've been crying for 24hrs. straight. What do I do without my babies? What am I going to do with all my time alone I just want to buy a gun. All they are going to remember in their past is their dad. My kids are my life. I've been a staty at home mom for 11 yrs. Any suggestions I'm hurting so bad.

[helen.t]

Hi there, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you in this terrible pedicament.I have no wise words or great advice to offer you but I felt so sad for you when I read your post. Is there some way you can appeal the decision? Helen

[rymac]

Please do not give up. Hang in there. Do you have family or friends who can give you support? PM me if you need to.

[pat57]

Do you have a lawyer? Look into legal aid if you need to. I used legal aid, I was given 3 names and was allowed to choose between them.

My husband told his lawyer I was a drug addict, alcoholic, mentally ill. None of that was brought up in court. (I wonder why).

Get a lawyer, also ask neighbors about being a character witness. Do not let him know what your doing. Let a lawyer tell you how to proceed.

I know the pain is horrible but giving up is not an option.

XXOO

[potsgirl]

My suggestion: Do Not Give Up! Get a lawyer and fight this. The suggestions on here are great - getting character references and also make sure you get statements from your doctors on your levels of functioning at home and as a parent. When I got divorced, we both wanted custody, and the first thing I did was get a lawyer so that my ex knew I was serious and going to fight him until the end (and I couldn't afford an expensive lawyer, either). It ended up with me having my son full-time, and his dad having visitation rights.

Being a mother, I know how strong you must be. Don't give up and cry. Get on that phone and find some help and get those kids back into your life. We're rooting for you!

cheers,

jana

[Guest tearose]

YES we are willing to help. How can we help? Do you realize that although this pain is deep and real and now, it will pass. Your babies need you and checking out is not going to help you or them. Be strong sounds trite but I am sincere. You must endure this so you can be there for them. Can you see a role model that you admire? Who is someone you know about that was able to overcome the worst scenario and went on to live a beautiful life. You must not let this blackness of this moment cloud your vision of all the good possibilities and realities of what is ahead.

Chronic Illness and Disability are the challenges of your daily life, it makes a difficult problem seem insurmountable...please hang on, you can get through this.

Please reach out and take someone's hand and let them help you get to a good lawyer and a support network to help you through this rough time.

lovingly and with support,

tearose

[MomtoGiuliana]

What state are you in? My sister is an attorney who specializes in family law. I will see if she can give you any direction/words of wisdom. Something went very wrong here and it can be righted. Please do not despair. You definitely need a lawyer as others have said. I hope you have some close friends and family who can help you with the emotional turmoil--but we are also here and care.

[bellajulz]

I agree with everyone here... I went through a similar situation.. you need to get an attorney if you don't have one and you need to get statements from docs stating that you are fully capable of caring for your children and you need to stay strong and fight... don't give up, have your cry and then do what ever you can do on your end... I know this hurts and is so devastating, my heart is with you. My custody battle is by far the worst thing I have ever been through and I wasn't even sick when I had to go through it , Please take care of yourself. One of the things that I had to prove was documentation from teachers/coaches, anybody really , that I was primary caregiver for the children, that I had attended docs appts. with them, conferences. That is how I was was able to maintain primary custody of my children. My custody battle was a bad one, as I'm sure they all are, let me know if I can help more.

your children and you are in my prayers.

[Gracefulprincess]

As soon as i read this my heart just broke for you...so i'll be praying for you and your children. I know you probably feel like giving up right now but please don't! I'm praying that God will give you strength so that you can keep fighting. And that He'll give you wisdom so you'll know what to do next. And that He'll grant you favor with every person you have to deal with. May God bless you!

Becca

[Janey]

Oh my goodness, you poor, poor thing, please take comfort in the fact that we're all here for you right now and whenever you need it.

Where are you based? If we know I'm sure we can all think of someone or something which might help in a practical way.

Did your kids get a chance to say anything at the proceedings? Will they get a chance if you make an appeal?

Is there a Doctor who you've been seeing who could help you and comment on your state of health and what you probably can or can't do? And also could let them know about the medications you're taking etc and how they help or affect you? Having a professional on your side like thar can really help things.

If you feel any extreme feelings, please come on this board and talk about them before you do anything. We will all help you get through this.

Janey

[sandymbme]

I don't have any additional advice, everyone else has offered good wisdom. You did the right thing in reaching out to this community. We will help in any way we are able to. Please consider your kids before doing anything drastic! As long as there is life there is hope! I will also be praying for you and your family!

Sandy

[Steph06]

My heart goes out to you. Everyone is giving you great advice. Please do not give up. Becca could not have said it any better. God will give you the strength to get through this. I will pray that this all works out for you. I don't know you but just reading your post I believe the kids know how much you love them and that you will fight for them. If you give up it will be like you are give up on your kids and with all the love you have in your heart for those kids you know that is not an option. I hope you find a great lawyer. i will keep in touch to see how you are making out. Take care of yourself. You have a lot of support. Just look at all the kindhearted responses you received. You are in my prayers. Take Care.

Stephanie.

[EarthMother]

Ok! First things first. Divorce proceedings are full of unimaginable pain, lies, slander and "decisions" ... but none of it is REAL. You will need to keep that in mind as you hear your ex-husband trash your name and reputation over and over again. You will need to remember that when you here a judge make a ruling that is not in your favor.

Divorce court is NOT about establishing what is fair and best for the children ... it's about employing lawyers and keeping them and the rest of the legal establishment well paid.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way ... take a deep breath ... and know that you are not helpless here. If you had an attorney -- listen to her/his strategy for how to get back custody at the next hearing. If you don't like the strategy -- FIRE HER/HIM and get new legal counsel.

You may be required to go to a court appointed psychiatrist to determine your ability to care for your kids. Look at that as an ASSET -- be yourself, you are bright, kind and compassionate and you ARE mentally grounded (even though we each feel unglued at times). Your interview as a strong empowered woman with physical limitations will be documented.

We don't loose our children due to illness. Your husband is no doubt working ... who is he paying for childcare in your absence? Your attorney will make the case that hiring helP for you and keeping the children with their mother is in everyone's best interest.

This is a LONG process ... full of many appeals. Things will change on a dime many times and back again. Keep the faith, even when it seems there is no hope of winning. Your perseverence and patience will prevail.

And once all of this is behind you ... do your very best to leave the trauma in the past. I sooo wish, I had been able to do that for myself.

Deep bow to you. May strength and hope be forever by your side as you blaze this new trial.

[Dawg Tired]

I agree - get a lawyer! Even if it is a Legal Aid lawyer. At the end of the day, your ex-husband will look like a total jerk.

He can't look any other way - taking children from their mother and leaving his sick wife high and dry AND putting you through a great deal of mental anguish which has very likely contributed to even MORE problems!

GRRRR!!!!!! Let ME at him!!! After a 300-pound woman (that would be me!) faints on him, he will think twice about messing with one of US!

[pat57]

Hi,

I wanted to say more=- but my phone rang- and after that I had to go to work.

But don't rule out the partial custody as being ok. Most Dads manage with that. Did you see Misses Doubtfire (a movie)? Well in it the ex disguises himself and becomes the nanny. My connection with that is that he may need a babysitter sometimes and you will see them more. Advice during a time like you are in isn't going to help you feel better- today. I think your signature line says something about hope. It is realistic to hope that things turn out ok. And you can look forward to that time.

Full Original Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

[iheartcats]

Your kids will not forget you. Do whatever you can to stay in touch during all this...be sure to take your weekends for now. Fight for more parental rights, of course, but take all your visitation time with them to show the courts how much you care for and want to be involved with your children.

So sad that things turn out like this - sometimes I think life SHOULD be easier but it doesn't seem to be that way. Stay strong, talk to people on here, get whatever help you need to. The kids KNOW you are their mother!

[juliegee]

((((((((((Dayna))))))))))

How old are your kids? Are they old enough to express their preferences ? I can't believe how incredibly damaging this could be to THEM, not to mention you. I do NOT believe that this is in their best interests. Fight it through the appropriate channels. Your soon-to-be-ex is in for a rude awakening if he thinks balancing children/full-time job/a household is easy without your help.

You are smart & strong. You will figure this out & get through this. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Julie

[DSM3KIDZ]

thank you all for your coments and inspiration, I did have a legal aid. They used my ssi report stating I need help with the children and they took a letter from my mom when we were fighting for ssi. Other than that it was just my husbands lawyers wrds with no proof.

So I got an apartment today. the cheapest in my area. I had to give my husband my 700 ssi for my kids and he gave me 900 for spousal support. it ws suppose to be 1200 but something due to SSI it had to be cut down to 900. So after adding utilities groceries meds and all the basic I have $15 left per month. My husband used to give me 900 a month spending and entertainment allowence now I get 15 dollars big big change for me.

Plus my husband is walking around like the king, I could bash his face in.

So anyways I was a hard working mother kept the kids and myself clean. The house 1/2 way clean and I loose my kids. This life *****.

Lord Save Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ana_22]

Dana stay strong for your kids.

I know this is hard but its not PERMANENT! im not sure how the US legal system works but alot of people have given you advice on how to get legal support to fight for your kids.

This situation WILL improve!

[corina]

dana i cannot offer you more than my deepest sympathy. try to stay strong for your kids AND for yourself. i hope you'll get the chance to prove that you are able to take care of your kids, they need you as much as you need them!

with love,

corina

[mountain girl]

I am very sorry for your pain. It sounds like every one here is saying some of the same things I would with the number 1 thing being get an attorney if you do not yet have one. Something else that may be helpful is a mediator to try to help you and your husband work out a suitable arrangement for where the children live. I have known some families who have joint custody and each parent has the children for a week at a time and alternate homes. Do you live near your parents or a sister or brother to be a support for you ? If not this dinet website is a great place and I am glad we coud give you some support. The joint custody really has worked out for some of my friends, so it may allow you and your husband to both have more time with the children. Another friend had his daughter during the school year and the mom had her during the summer and they alternated hoidays since they were going to be living n different states. Sometimes compromise on both parents parts is better than what a judge may decide so I hope you and your husband can work something out even if it is through your lawyers or mediation. Good luck to you

[MomtoGiuliana]

Keep fighting. You are in the right and he is wrong. We are here to support you and offer any help we can.

[Steph06]

Hi! Just wanted to see how you are making out. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Stephanie

[Brwneyedchica]

Dayna,

I have not been on this forum in ages, but am glad I happened to log on tonight. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I understand that sometimes things don't work out between two people, but there is no reason for this. It doesn't matter if your house was not 100% clean everyday, or if someone does help you on your sick days. Normal people without POTS often let the housework go and have someone help with their kids when they get the flu or are sick in general. It really sickens me that you are going through this and I feel awful for your poor kids. I know I haven't been active in the forum in forever, but I think you will probably remember me and I just wanted to let you know that you can pm me anytime. Hang in there!

~Alicia

[mjan]

HUGS to you and yours my dear!!!

First of all you have not completed the divorce yet right? You live in Wisconsin a no fault divorce state. Its the primliminary/custody and getting one of the partners out of the house hearing right? Sounds like it.

There is mediation whenever children are involved. Then custody stuff is a battle in FAMILY court. So... you have NOT lost. Its temporary to get someone out of the house and you two separated..right??

As horrible and shocking as this has been..its not over. AND it will COST YOUR SOON TO BE EX lots of monies to take YOU to court for all these so called substantiated evidence.

WE will all continue to support you through this ok my dear?? Its TAKES evaluations.. psych evaluations..guardian ad litums (attorneys for the children) and lots of TIME AND MONEY to prove you cannot care for your children.

Think of this the best way you can.. its ONLY a piece of the puzzle in the BIG PICTURE of you NEW life without this uncaring so and so of a husband.

EMAIL me.. or PM me.. I too will be on YOUR side through this all!!!!!

Warmly, Jan