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I Can't Sleep/broken Heart/other Stressors

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I normally can sleep and have a prescription for Ambien which helps especially when I just can't get comfortable with the chest pain etc...

BUT I have been under terrible stress. I am a landlord and I have 4 people to evict for non-payment. One man post eviction keeps coming back and vandilizing the place. He is crazy and knows wehre I live. My savings is being depleted and I am worried.

To further complicate matters. I have been having a terrible time with my boyfriend. He is gouchy himself about all his real estate losses. But the real problem is that his wife died 4 years ago (cancer). I knew her as well. I started dating about 2 years ago. But you walk into his house and there are 6 pictures of her...my picture in tiny and in the bedroom.

He droons on and on about her. On one of my hospital visits he kept talking to the nurse about her. She had kids and when they do things they do includ me...but I feel like the ugly step sister.

He hasn't put a ring on my finger. Says he has to sell his house first. Which was built for her!! Even has her name engraved on the pool..

After two years I want this to change...I want more pictures of me andless of her etc. He thinks I am trying to control him. I told him that it makes me very uncomfortable and feel insignificant in his life. He just got angry last night and said "well then maybe you don't need to be here....maybe we need a break".

My heart is broken. This is making me sicker. I took an Ambien to fall asleep and woke up 5 hours later and here I sit. My HR is 137.

Maybe I am over-reacting...I am not sure...I just have so much going on with the real estate..kis going back to school and I sure wish I had a boyfriend that loved me so much he wanted to jump in...

I feel jealous of this dead woman and I feel so guilty for that....

Thanks for listenign...I have to take my daughter to cheerleading here in an hour...it is all too much..

Erika :P

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Oh Erika, you poor thing. This looks like one of those moments where everything is just completely rubbish, and I know those moments well, especially when you know your dysautonomia is only going to get worse with less sleep/more stress. I am right there with you in feeling this. But if you try and plan to take some time out for yourself tomorrow to get back in control of the situation, to work out a plan about what you're going to do/say to your boyfriend and how you're going to deal with this unruly tenant, it may calm you a little bit now. Just let all your stresses go for the moment, put things aside, know in the light of day you'll be able to do something about it, and hopefully the dysautonomia phase will have passed by then.

I understand about the boyfriend, I'm not in the same situation with the dead wife, but feeling a lack of commitment just at the time when I'm so ill and I just want someone to say "Don't worry anymore, I will look after you, just relax." No-one's going to do that for me though, so I keep struggling on!

***HUGS*** B)

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I am sorry you are in such a stressful situation. I know that when my marriage was falling apart it made me much sicker.

The one thing that I found really hard to learn in my marriage is that you really can't change other people. You can only change yourself. Trying to change other people is very stressful, and futile.

Your boyfriend has only been widowed for 4 years. Replacing his kids mother's pictures with his girlfriend's seems like a harsh thing to do to his children. I'm not saying he couldn't add one of you, but he has a responsibility to keep her memory alive so they don't forget who their mother was. Was selling the house that was built for their mother his idea? Sounds like he wants to keep it, and I think there would be some value in keeping it for his kids sake. Imagine losing your mom, and then your dad sells the house he built for her. That seems like a really bad idea to me as a parent.

People grieve in different time frames, some never get over the death of a spouse. I wonder if he is ready to be dating at all.

Interesting that you said "She had kids". Are they your boyfriend's kids also? Do you consider them "hers"? Might be why you feel like the third wheel.

I agree with him, I think you are trying to control a situation you have no control over.

I think the question isn't "Should he or will he get rid of her memories/pictures/house?"

I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you can live in the shadow of a dead wife?

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Thanks Janey for your kind words. It is a ton to deal with right now. And perhaps the reason we are feeling so alone in these relatinships is that they are not really commited. I believe this is a real, rational, response to a situation where we are alone even thos someone claims to love us...it is confusing...and we deserve support etc. (obviously i don't have the answers.. :P )

Jan - they were/are her kids. I am 46 and he is 58. Her kids are 33 and 36 years old!! So I don't think the parenting is an issue. But I do know he feels pulled. HE wants to sell. I never asked him to...he says he wants to move on but feels trapped by this monsterous home that he built because it was her dying wish. But she never made it. She died 4 weeks before it was completed. He is loving and kind...I love him and has been supportive of my illness. but I don't know if I can or want to live in her shadow. Clearly I don't want to...who would want to?? He says I don't have to...wants me to feel like I am "on first base". But it is clearly an issue. My father died when I was 22...similair situation as with these grown children...so I do kind of understand...

To add...he is drowning financially as the taxes are incredibly high. He is a general contractor here in FL with no work. I am ill...with two beautiful kids and with quite a few rentals that are causing many problems. I can't work to supplement the loss of rent...nor can I sell :P

My hr was just so high today...even on my toprol...I am glad for the support. No matter what is going on I really have to try to relax as my dys just gets so bad...I just felt so lost this morning when I wrote this...another one of these times that I will look back at and thank God for carrying me!! I really thought a few years back I had a handle on it all..I had it togehter financially and had gotten well after a horrible bout with Guillain Barre. Now everything has changed..I do get frightened and stressed...and wish I was well enough to work!!

Thanks for letting me talk...thanks for your thoughts..stress is not my friend!



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I have no words of wisdom, but wanted to send you a (((((((hug)))))))) anyway.

Try to find something to distract you, something fun. Watch a comedy, something to make you laugh or feel good.

Maybe take some extra time in bed in the morning and just lay there listing to the birds chirp. I love listening to the mourning doves sing. I live in NW Ohio, and I don't know if you have mourning doves, but listening to the birds sing is very comforting.

Sometimes when I take extra time laying awake in bed in the morning it gives me time to sort though things--------------------organize my mind----lol.

HUGS to you again.

Maxine :0)

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Hi Erika,

Boy, this seems to be the season for relationship troubles. I'm sorry everything is hitting you at once. I certainly can relate to how you feel, and I'm guessing there are many others on here that can also relate. You are stronger than you think you are, and if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get through this, and things will work out for the best - whatever that might be. I'm wishing you the best, and peace and positive energy. We're all here supporting you!


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Financial stress can make things harder on a relationship. How long were they married? If they were together for decades, it is going to take him a while to move on. Four years seems like a long time, but it may not be

I agree with you. It's one thing to have pictures and honor her memory; it is another to not have pictures of you, hang onto the house and make you feel like she is still the focus of his life. It is hard to find someone caring and loving, so I really hope you find a way to work things out....in the meanwhile, don't feel obligated to hang out with her children if you don't want to...

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Thanks guys..

Yogini - to answer your question, they were married for 13 years. She was sick and dying for about 4 years. I think we have a good relationship and are really headed somewhere (he goes to doc appts, helps with my rentals, helps with my kids..to some extent). But then I go to the house and see all these pitures of her...her kids have thiings going on...like a birthday party for the granddaughter (big SPanish party)..

i was asked to come but then I heard that her daughter was having a slide show or the her dead mom...(bare in mind the party was for the 15 year old grand-daughter...a slide show of her dead grandma for a huge party of 15 year olds)...i opted out. Even my boyfriend said he thought that one was a bit much. Now her son just had a baby...you get the picture... I am not well obviously...and it wears real thin at times.

I think I just can't allow myself to get so stressed...easier said than done. I am kicking out my renters...firing my handyman that is overcharging me...Trying to move forward in all areas I can...sometimes being so sick it is very hard to move forward...sometimes i am too sick to fight with the renters, handyman, boyfriend...

I am afraid too that if I break up I don't sleep and I will get worse...altho I am sure that is not a good reason to stay. :P

Thanks for all the well wishes and good thoughts...Erika

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