Shocking Week--husband Left

[marni4u]

Don't know where to start. Got the shock of my life a few days ago. My husband came home from work and that evening informed me HE just can't take it anymore and feels it's best we separate. He's tired of all the dr. visits, hospitalizations, ER visits AND my lack of participation in family events or any socializing. I tried to explain to him that if I felt better I could be more involved--he thinks I have "selective participation"--like if it's my friends or family or, something I am interested in then I'm ready to go. Can't understand how he could think that!! Soooo, for now he is staying at his parents. I have a feeling his parents initiated this mess--I know they were never supportive of my illness and always complained to him. I just don't know what I'm going to do--I feel so crushed.

Has anyone here ever had to go through something like this over this illness? I just never expected it. Isn't marriage supposed to be "in sickness and in health"?

[juliegee]

(((((Marni)))))

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Marriage is SUPPOSED to be "in sickness and health." It's not like you choose to be ill. Your hubby seems to be pretty controlled by his folks....might be a blessing in disguise to not have to deal with his lack of support. Take care of yourself during this tumultuous time. We care here.

Hugs-

Julie

[kayjay]

Marni... Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I hope that you can try to take care of yourself and not have this added stress make you sicker. Best wishes and I will be praying for you- kayJay

[potsgirl]

Marni,

My heartfelt thoughts go out to you as you try to work through this intensely traumatic time. You're right - marriage is supposed to be through thick and thin, and the women (and men) here on the Forum who have a boyfriend/husband/best friend who truly supports them through everything and understands are so incredibly lucky. I know that there are many times that I can't believe my boyfriend is still here, and sometimes have to wonder if I'm really worth it....But I know I am, just like you are worth all of the support in the world. If your husband's final decision is to separate, you'll go through stages of anger and grieving, but in the end, you'll be open to meeting others who will really give you the unconditional love that you deserve.

Peace,

Jana

[Dawg Tired]

I am SO sorry to hear this! Please, take care of yourself during all of this.

[firewatcher]

I have no words........

Love and support and many prayers!

Jennifer

[Rene S.]

Marni, I am so so sorry. I can unfortunately relate and it's awful. My husband (now ex) left 3 years ago out of the blue because at the time I only had fibromyalgia and CFS but he said he couldn't deal with me being "sick" and only wanted the old me.

I too thought what happened in sickness and in health? where did that go? If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have stuck with him through thick and thin.

We're all here for you and if you want to PM me please feel free to do so.

My heart breaks for you. Just let me know if I can help in any way.

Rene

[iheartcats]

This breaks my heart. It has me close to tears even imagining this. My heart goes out to you.

[erikainorlando]

Wow....I am so sorry. I know it is very hard...I am fighting for words...there are none. I would like to say that you are better off without someone who would leave you when you are sick...and I do think that is true...but I know it is hard...

I think I have the tendency to get very demanding and angry at my boyfriend that he doesn't do more for me or ask me how I am doing. I get so frustrated at his lack of understanding at how hard things are for me sometimes...I guess I should be more grateful that he never complains that I am ill or expects me to do things like go to famimly functions. His wife died of cancer. I know he probably thinks "wow..I got another sick one.." but he doesnt' say that. I just get so frustrated that I probably take it out on everyone...once I told him that if I could I would leave me!! It can be very challanging...prayer. I do believe in the power of prayer.

All the best. Erika

[EarthMother]

{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}

I am so sorry to hear the news. We never know what tomorrow brings, I am holding you in my thoughts that tomorrow brings better news and brighter days. Please know ... you are deserving. Big breath in ... You are .... (slow breath out) DESERVING.

Breathing with you.

~EM

[Maxine]

Big HUG to you. I'm so sorry to hear your husband feels this way.

I'm struggling for the right words to say but I'm speechless.

My heart aches for you thinking about it.

I'm praying for strength and healing for you.

Maxine

[mjan]

{{{ HUGS }}} You DESERVE love...understanding..CARE..and lots of that is HERE for you k?

This is all too famliar. I thought I had a husband who offered understanding..devotion..and was oh so thoughtful.

THEN.. he gets brain damage..short term memory blown out with an hour long seizure..

I learned early in the relationship how influential his parents were What THEY wanted was more control...and we disagreed on his treatment.

He'd forget why we were together..leave..then his feelings would emerge..they are deep..and he'd come back..then leave..then come back..each time longer and longer..more and more being influenced by his family. I truly believe they told him he could never care for me.. ( they thought I had MS at this time) so might as well leave permanently. He was already feeling insecure about himself.

Still...I was the one taking care of him..working full time for the health insurance and resting the rest of the time. He kept saying..maybe I just needed to exercise etc. I even fell one time and he told me I could really get up if I tried. He tried to help me.. he did. But I was not "fun" a lot of the time.. I know.

Few years later he started a divorce..it SHOCKED me.. I knew it was his parents doing..he'd never ever think like that...then..well..

he died...unexpectedly..while staying with his parents.. the furneral was awful.. they tried to push me out even then..

DISEASE tests all relationships..it brings out the best and worse in some. A separation gives one time to think and re-think what IS important and well.. WHO is still important. NO ONE LIKES TO BE SICK..and miss out on LIFE!!!

Hang in there.. you'll grieve..get mad..sad.. cry.. but remember..you'll have the BEST FOLKS here who truly understand.He needs time to figure this out for himself.. I hope he includes you in the discovery. Its hard to be left out.. wondering.. I know.

PM me ANYTIME.. or email me k???

Lotsa love and hugs

Jan

[Jan]

I wish I could walk away from my illness.

My husband did the same thing. At first I was in shock.

After I adjusted, and figured out how to get groceries and such, I feel better than when I lived with him. Honestly, the pressure and guilt and stress is gone.

It did take awhile to adjust, but I know it is for the best now.

I hope you the best and that what ever happens, it brings you peace.

[janiedelite]

Oh... I'm so sorry. Do you have other family or friends who can help? Gentle hugs to you Marni.

Janie

[maggie]

I'm so sorry to read the difficulties you are facing now. My husband has never left me and for that I am very grateful for. I have watched two of my daughters go through divorce and it was so hard to watch. I gave them a hand when they needed it, but one can't help too much with the emotional part of it all. I can't imagine going through this with an illness. I'll keep you in my prayers and I hope you have friends and family that can support you during such a stressful time. It's hard going through this healthy much less with an illness.

Maggie

[Megan]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hugs, thoughts, and prayers going your way!

Meg

[tinkerbella]

I'm so very sorry. I'm actually grieving the loss of my guy, who I had to break it off with a year ago as he could not be there for me fully after 8 wasted years. He left me alone in the er when they thought I had a blood clot in my lung. It's too long to go into here if you wany any support sweetherart email me I'd be more than happy to help.

Your are in my prayers. I actually miss the d** fool. No I miss being loved and companionship. I'm getting pleanty of love from all the people I meet these days and when the time is right I pray God sends a a man the will be able to deal with all that is going on, as i'm still lots of fun and I'm not dead yet. LOL! I'm much better without his negitive energy and he was a lier, lier, lier. Oh, the things I found out after the red flags were all there but, fear of being alone makes us turn our heads.. When one door close a better one usually opens sweetheart.

I have to run, no walk slow... I have a party with family to go to. this is a rare event. I'm sending out the vibes to meet someone there. The law of attraction here I come. Meanwhile make a list of all the good and bad things about your guy and read, "coming apart" it really help you make sense of your relationship.

If it's meant to be he'll be back and maybe there's a much better man around the corner for the rest of your life. Really we can chat if you want in more detail.

Meanwhile you haave all of us. We need a man like the one that was on 20 20 last night if anyone saw it with the poor woman who developed stiff person's syndrome.

HUGS are being sent out timed released. I really know how you are feeling right now. Hang in there! Tough times don't last , but tough people do!

love,

BellaMia~

[sandymbme]

Oh how I relate! My divorce was final on April 1st of this year. I got sick just five weeks after we got married, and from the start his parents always questioned my illness. I can't count the number of times his mother inferred there was nothing really wrong with me. He would go with me to every doctors appointment, but leave me home sick and alone to go out every night with his friends. In sickness and in health did not even last a year and a half. When I finally moved out (with NO help from him!) he told me I was "too poor and too sick" to make it on my own.

I moved out and lost a lot, but gained back so much more. Ironically my health has deteriorated far worse, but now that he isn't holding me back I have a great church and a great network of friends and family to help. Best of all I never waste one moment of my precious energy trying to make him, or his parents, happy. I sincerely hope you can look at this seperation as an opportunity to think about what he does for you, and whether you even want HIM!

[ladyt]

so sorry for u, and the rest of u fining out that not all stick throu the sicknes part.. Hope u all find happines els where ..

[marni4u]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. It has been a rough week, to say the least but, after reading all the replies, it has made me realize I'm not the only one who is going thru this, or has experienced this situation. And, it appears, some of your domestic situations are/have been worse than mine. DSM--sorry you got served with papers--That's even a worse shock. And, Sandyshell--you spoke of your x-husband keeping you from doing things while you were married--how horrible. Did he not let you have contact with friends or family? My goodness, what was his reasoning? I can't believe his mother told you there was nothing wrong with you repeatedly! What a shrew! I do have to say that my in-laws, although they didn't support me being sick and always complained to my husband, my mother-in-law would cook for us on numerous ocassions, especially when I wasn't feeling well--of course maybe she was more concerned about her sons stomach than mine! And they were more than generous in other ways also. They just think I'm a fake and a nut case.

My parents live about an hour away so I can't say I can rely too much on them for things I need or might have to get done. I'm concerned about financially being able to carry this burden alone. I can't afford the rent on this house myself and, since we've only been married 3 years, there probably isn't anything I'm entitled to--like support of any kind. Guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it---which I have the feeling will be very soon. Our rental lease is up the end of October and after the conversation I had last night with husband, it appears he expects me to plan to find a place I can afford by that time period.

Again, thank you all for your support--it's good to know other people have gone thru this and I can come to this forum and get support from people who understand. I've had a bad migraine the last few days so this was my first opportunity to reply. Any more words of wisdom will be appreciated.

[Janey]

You must have seen my topic "balancing relationships" about my partner who doesn't fully understand dysautonomia and I'm worried we're going to break up, and we weren't even married, so I can't even begin to understand how you're feeling, but my heart breaks for you. Marriage is meant to be in "sickness and health" like you said, and for him to tell you, you have "selective participation" must be the MOST frustrating thing to hear. You probably feel more relaxed about being ill around your family and friends, rather than his family and friends and that's why you go and see your folks even when you feel bad.

I don't know what to say to you, but just want to say I'm so, so sorry, and the main thing you have to do in this is see HIM as the bad guy, not you. Do not blame yourself for this, you are not at fault.

Janey

[erikainorlando]

I just want to add that my experience with "selective particiaption". I do what I can when possible....when I am feel like I am almost dying my body is selecting not to partiicapte. Don't you wish we really had a choice,,!!

[iheartcats]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. It has been a rough week, to say the least but, after reading all the replies, it has made me realize I'm not the only one who is going thru this, or has experienced this situation. And, it appears, some of your domestic situations are/have been worse than mine. DSM--sorry you got served with papers--That's even a worse shock. And, Sandyshell--you spoke of your x-husband keeping you from doing things while you were married--how horrible. Did he not let you have contact with friends or family? My goodness, what was his reasoning? I can't believe his mother told you there was nothing wrong with you repeatedly! What a shrew! I do have to say that my in-laws, although they didn't support me being sick and always complained to my husband, my mother-in-law would cook for us on numerous ocassions, especially when I wasn't feeling well--of course maybe she was more concerned about her sons stomach than mine! And they were more than generous in other ways also. They just think I'm a fake and a nut case.

My parents live about an hour away so I can't say I can rely too much on them for things I need or might have to get done. I'm concerned about financially being able to carry this burden alone. I can't afford the rent on this house myself and, since we've only been married 3 years, there probably isn't anything I'm entitled to--like support of any kind. Guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it---which I have the feeling will be very soon. Our rental lease is up the end of October and after the conversation I had last night with husband, it appears he expects me to plan to find a place I can afford by that time period.

Again, thank you all for your support--it's good to know other people have gone thru this and I can come to this forum and get support from people who understand. I've had a bad migraine the last few days so this was my first opportunity to reply. Any more words of wisdom will be appreciated.

I know it's hard when you are ill to support yourself. Not just hard, either, but stressful. Are you currently working? I know you don't have a lot of time...and two months to find a place to live is a bit chaotic. I'll just throw out a few options because I know when I'm upset/shocked I can't always think clearly.

1. You have been together for years...3 is a long time. Has he been paying a lot of the bills? I believe spouses can still be awarded short-term alimony (for a set period of time) until you can really get on your feet. You are ill, your husband knows this, so maybe a judge would be fair in your case.

2. Would you consider a roommate? I know it'd take screening, but someone through word of mouth, family, friends? A couple women living in a 2-bedroom can often be less costly than 1 person living in a 1-bedroom. I have a friend in a Studio and that's affordable for her, so if you don't have pets that's an option.

3. Is there any way your parents/family can temporarily help, at least with a new deposit/first month's rent to get you going? I know family sometimes steps in if they can (I know not all families are able as life is expensive now) for an emergency. And this I'd consider an emergency! Maybe garage sales amongst aunt/uncles/siblings/friends...that could get you a deposit!

4. Do you have utilities is your name or his? If you don't have much of a credit rating, you may want to look into this now so you can start building it. Parents can co-sign too, so you may want to discuss this with your family. I know that's a 'big one' when families split up. Women often don't have a lot of their own credit.

Good luck and PM me if you need to! Wishing you all the best!

[marni4u]

Thank you all again for some insight. And, yes Catlady--I do work--I plan on going back this week--have been out for about 2 weeks now. I really need to get back in so I can afford an attorney. I have an appt with one tomorrow afternoon -- I want to find out where I stand. Have so many questions--Like, where do I stand with medical bills --am I going to get stuck with them or will husband have to help pay them off (the existing ones during the marriage). Anyone here that's gone thru this can you maybe shed some light? I want to have a list of good questions for the attorney and I'm trying to compile it so I have it in front of me--anyone have any suggestions? That sure would help because sometimes it's hard to think straight and smart when you're going thru something like this and, since attorney's charge by the hour, I want to be smart and not waste precious time. I can use all the help I can get.

[Jeannie32]

Marni-

I have not personally endured the pain of a divorce - although I came pretty close about a year ago... However, I did work for an attorney for about a year a while back.

First of all, many attorneys allow a first meeting at no or a very nominal charge. If you do not feel a bond with him/her - RUN - don't walk! It might cost you money that you really feel you don't have now - but it could be REAL costly in the long run.

Every state has different laws regarding the distribution of assets in a divorce - so you really do need to ask specific questions of your attorney. As for medical bills that were incurred during your marriage, usually, if you did not have a pre-nuputal agreement specifically addressing it - he should be liable for all or part of those - depending upon the precident set during your marriage.

Be certain to address medical insurance coverage - at least on an interim basis as well.

Hope this helps a little. We're pullin' for you.

Jeannie