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Need Some Support


potsgirl
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Hello All~

I'm having a very hard time right now dealing with my own symptoms, plus a new chronic disease that is very painful. This is enough to me, but unfortunately, we just learned that my main source of support, my fiance, has prostate cancer. His brother died of it at the age of 53. My boyfriend is 55. Next week he goes in for a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread, then a week from Monday we talk with his specialist about setting up surgery to remove the gland, and then radiation treatments, as long as the cancer has not spread.

My main problem is that I probably cannot take care of him while he's going through this, and recovery time is 2-6 weeks. I rely on him to get the groceries and drive when I'm not up to it - which is too often. I feel horrible guilt that he's taken such good care of me, and I won't be able to reciprocate in the same way. I feel awful! He's an English teacher in a high school here, so at least he's off through July for surgery and recovery. I just feel so useless!

Thanks for listening,

Jana

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Hi Jana,

I am so sorry for the bad time that you are having. Sorry about the news of your boyfriend. I think that we carry a lot of guilt about being sick all the time. And then when someone else is sick we feel we have to do the same that has been done for us. But what I think is more important is being there for someone how we can be. Sometimes that just means listening to them tell us how they feel and understanding. (we all know how important that can be.) And I think that the rest just has a way of falling into place. I think if anything that you will be a MORE supportive person BECAUSE of what you have been through. I have seen how you help many people on here, and know your boyfriend must feel just as much support at home. AND not only that but just think about how you can help him with doctors visits, and doctors, and going through the medical system. It is hard enough being sick without having to try and figure out what to do on your own. You have so much experience with this already I know you will be a big help to him.

Also just as a side note. My grandpa had, and died from prostate cancer. This was about 18 or so years ago. When he was first diagnosed they said he had maybe 8 months to live. Well he went on and lived for 8 years. And I know a couple of people who have beat it, and are still going strong. I am sorry for this terrible diagnoses for your boyfriend, but just want you to know that things are improving with beating cancer everyday.

You and your boyfriend will be in my thoughts, and prayers. Please take care. And know that you have something to give him that most people don't have. Understanding about being sick.

Hugs,

Suzy

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Suzy,

Just reading your post made me feel better and much less anxious. You're a very caring person with such a soothing manner. Thank you for your kind response, and I hope you're doing well.

Your friend,

Jana

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jana,

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. I know you are overwhelmed right now, but try to make a plan together. See what you can do together with your boyfriend. Then take advantage of severices online that you order your groceries and have them delivered. Hire teens to come in to clean and do yard work to earn some money in the summer months or you may qualify for help through your insurance. Try to make things as easy as possible for both of you right now. Take advantage of any offers from family or friends who offer to help. Live for today, till you know what the action plan is. Stress will only make things worse for both of you. You will make it through this.

THEY SAY touch is what keeps people with illness going. You'll be there for him to hold him and let him know you love him. PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVE in their life do much better fighting off illness. You boyfriend, loves you jana. Everything will work out, YOU MAY HAVE TO be a little creative, slipping a love note of support on days you can't go with him. Sometimes, when one in a relationship get weak the other gets extra energy as did with me when my ex got cancer just after my dx. with pots. We'd be in two different hospitals on the same day. I don't know how I cared for him as look back, but I did it and saved his life.

It's amazing what love can make you do jana. Remember, you have wonderful friends here that love you. Just make sure you take care of you at the same time. I forgot to do that part. Learned that lesson now and live life differently.

I send you BLESSINGS, LOVE, PRAYERS, AND MY FRIENDSHIP ALWAYS!

(((((((HUGS TOO!))))))

BellaMia~

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Hi Jana,

So sorry you and your boyfriend are going though this stress. It is so difficult and I can really relate to your feelings of wanting to reciprocate care for him as he has cared for you.

I have wonderful parents who have been so helpful and supportive to me while I have been sick. This past winter, they both experienced serious health issues and surgery and I felt totally overwelmed and guilty about not being able to help as much as I wanted to. It is so difficult.

We have all learned in our own experience that emotional care and support is just as important as the physical and I'm sure you will be able to provide that for him better than anyone. Perhaps there are other family members who could get the groceries and run errands - but you will be able to relate and empathize and listen. Never diminish that value of that.

By the way, a close and much loved relative of mine had surgery for prostate ca 15 years ago and has lived a very healthy life since then. Treatments have improved a lot even since then.

You are both in my prayers,

Summer

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Oh Jana,

Major hugs. I can't imagine -- well, I kind of can. I feel guilty that I rely on my husband so much (and for this reason alone I'm really thankful for no "human" kids) and I know what it's like to want to do more so he has some "time off" when he's well -- I really feel for you (both!) in this position. (I don't know if that makes sense, I'm not making a whole lot of sense today). And the worrying about not being able to help enough, and about his state of health is so hard.

I am thinking of you both. Definitely, if you both have some simultaneous "up" moments, take some time and just do something fun and frivolous. Even if it's just a little thing (before I had this new round of yechh, my husband and I had a great trip to Home Depot to look at bathroom fixtures and then went out to lunch and we both really enjoyed and look back at that "good day" right now). It seems little and silly, but sometimes the little, silly things help.

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Sweet BellaMia,

You are always a ready source of comfort and take such good care of others. Thank you my friend for responding to this so quickly and with such kind words. I'm thinking of you as well, and always hoping for the best. We'll talk soon.

Jana

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Summer & Shoe,

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. You both make excellent points. I need to take every 'up' time period I have and enjoy them with my fiance.

Warmly,

Jana

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Hey Jana,

When I read your post it just touched my heart. You have always been such a wonderful support to all of us on this forum. During this difficult time I am hoping others close by will step up and lend a hand. I have read on this site a couple of times how others who have gotten better don't return to the site. Now that they are better they have moved on. I for one pledge that if I should ever get well I will "pay it forward" and help those who are still in need with this type of disorder. I so wish I lived close to you so that I could not only help with words but deeds. It is my sincere desire that others on this site will follow this path, knowing how difficult times can get when one is ill to lend a helping hand. Please keep us posted as to both of your health issues many on here will be remembering you either in prayer or thoughts.

Maggie

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Hi Jana, Everyone else here has so eloquently spoken about the value of your emotional support, so I don't have much to add. But you have been so supportive to the rest of us through your postings, it's so obvious you have a huge heart. I'm sure that's what drew your boyfriend to you. My mom has metastatic cancer and YES, it's frustrating that our disease limits out contributions. But we talk every day, and POTS has made me a great listener :unsure: . You have so much to give, don't discount your contributions, the least of which being you understand some of the pain and fatigue he'll encounter in his recovery.

As a side note, my 59-year-old father-in-law just had a radical prostatectomy for prostate cancer. They weren't able to get it all out, but his lymph nodes were clean. If the remaining cells start growing again, then radiation will happen. Otherwise, his surgeon said it's most likely he'll die of old age. And there are so many advances in prostate cancer treatment. I think one of the large hospitals in southern CA has some kind of proton treatment that treats even the most aggressive prostate cancer. And even our local behind-the-times just started doing bloodless laser surgeries for prostate cancer.

Either way, I said a prayer for you both this morning. Take care, Janie

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My prayers are with you both...

I also wanted to say that though you feel a bit helpless during this time, by being there and doing what you can I'm sure is enough for him. He obviously loves you very much and the emotional healing you can help him with is in just your presence.

I hope you start feeling well soon also. :lol:

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I am so sorry for what you and your fiancee are going through. I send you hugs, prayers, and the strength to face whatever trials come your way. It breaks my heart that I am unable to care for my mother, who is my main caregiver, and my grandparents as they face major medical problems themselves. However, we must remember that even though we may not be able to be there physically, our emotional support means so much to the people we care about.

~ Broken_Shell :lol:

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Hello All~

I'm having a very hard time right now dealing with my own symptoms, plus a new chronic disease that is very painful. This is enough to me, but unfortunately, we just learned that my main source of support, my fiance, has prostate cancer. His brother died of it at the age of 53. My boyfriend is 55. Next week he goes in for a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread, then a week from Monday we talk with his specialist about setting up surgery to remove the gland, and then radiation treatments, as long as the cancer has not spread.

My main problem is that I probably cannot take care of him while he's going through this, and recovery time is 2-6 weeks. I rely on him to get the groceries and drive when I'm not up to it - which is too often. I feel horrible guilt that he's taken such good care of me, and I won't be able to reciprocate in the same way. I feel awful! He's an English teacher in a high school here, so at least he's off through July for surgery and recovery. I just feel so useless!

Thanks for listening,

Jana

I am very sorry to hear your difficulties. I know life is hard enough considering we can barely do anything. I hate feeling like i need someone to take care of me, but we all do at times, it really *****! I hope your fiance is ok and the cancer is not too difficult. Im sure you will make it through together just gotta stay positive, and i know how hard that can be.

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Jana

I'm so sorry to hear about you fiance. Here's hoping he is going to be OK. It's tough feeling like you can't help but I'm sure your emotional support is very important right now. I hope you can find some one to help with the physical things that need to be done. Thinking of you.

bluesman

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I can only echo what has already been said.

Many prayers and good thoughts your way!

Remember, you may wish that you are able to care for him the way he cares for you, but if you push yourself too hard by attempting to be super-woman you will BOTH be worse off! Take care of yourself too!

Jennifer

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Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. I love that the Forum is here for all of us, and that we all help support and care for each other. I think of you all and pray for you, also. May you all have a peaceful, hopeful and restful day today.

All my best,

Jana

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Oh Jana, what a tough situation, I'm sorry this is happening to the two of you. I tend to like to offer practical options and I was thinking what will help you get your daily needs met. Under the circumstances you are in you all should qualify for some temporary assistances to get you thru. You've already qualified for disability, right. Maybe you could contact your resource from there and see what asistance might be available. Also, the women's group at my church, always does meals for members of our church that find themselves as you. Do you have a spiritual community, that might help you? There is also meals on wheels and driving resources for people who can't drive. Even though he's not at the hospice level and hopefully will recover fully, hospice might be a resource for you to find services.

Will keep you both in my prayers. Remember many men fully recover from this, but it still will be stressful in the short term, and you will have to be okay with asking for help. You'd be surprised how people will be so happy to help if you just ask.

take care!

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Hi Jana,

I'm so so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please know that I'm sending my love and support your way.

Don't beat yourself up over not being able to do the things that David has done. I know where you are coming from, being alone with no help. And now you have the same situation. It's horrible but perhaps I can give you some sage advice. Many of the larger grocery store chains will deliver your groceries for a nominal fee.

What about friends and neighbors? I know your family is out of state and that's not easy.

The emotional state is brutal on you as well. Many men have been very successful in their treatment of prostate cancer. I have a feeling that David will be one of them! Keep up the faith and just remember, we're all here for you. Please call me if you feel like talking.

Perhaps if we put our heads together and along with the wonderful people on the boards, we can come up with a solution to help you get through this.

Love,

Rene

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Arizona Girl & Rene,

Thanks for your words of support and encouragement. Rene, I'll give you a call soon so we can talk, if you're up to it. Thank God for the Forum and my friends here; we've moved to a new neighborhood so don't know the neighbors yet, and I got sick as soon as I moved to Tucson, so not many friends in the area, either, but we do have a couple people we can count on. My mother and step-father may come around the time of the surgery, too.

Thanks again, and my thoughts go back out to all of you~

Peace,

jana

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jana my sweet friend,

As I continue to pray nightly for you and your boyfriend, I just thought of this for you. Think POSITIVE! When I had my car I used to picture a parking places before I would pull into the parking lot, once I starting doing this I always found one easily and it would always work. You have a lot of power in you mind, use it together. Illness can bring couples closer together if you plan it out together. Your journey is just beginning with your boyfriend's illness, and I want to fill your hearts, souls, and minds with healthy, positive thoughts and affimerations. Post them all around the house, the bathroom mirror, in the car, tuck them in his wallet, fill positive thoughts everywhere and keep the cancer away!

You can make this a little love game for both for you and show your support this way. Now I just woke up and my BP is usually low, so I hope I,m not repeating myself. Something inside me said post this and it may help jana and others also. I know you are bust right now, and we will be in touch soon.

Just know I'm praying you both for you, while you both get things in order.

>>>>--------Sending my Blessings and Love across the country--------->>>>

BellaMia

"Your regrets aren't what you did, but what you didn't do. So I take every Opportunity."

Cammeron Diaz

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BellaMia~

Thanks again, my friend. I know you are praying for us, and I'm praying for us, and trying to think as positively as I can. Your advice never hurts as a good reminder. I used to post positive thoughts around me, and I'll get off the Forum today and do it again. I'll write you later.

Love,

Jana

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