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Guest elyag
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Guest elyag

We've talked about secondary depression and anxiety which can go along with dysautonomia with but what about feelings of resentment and anger? Just wondering how many of you ever feel that way? And I'm not just talking about newly diagnosed. I'm talking about still feeling these emotions years after becoming sick.

For me, it happens as the weather gets nicer. I used to love the outdoors and was phsyically active. So as the weather gets warmer all the joggers and bike riders are out, I find myself feeling angry and resentful towards anyone who is healthy enough to hop on a bike and ride for miles or go on a nice long run. My husband just started up his weekly after work vollyball games with his co workers and while I'm happy he gets to go out and participate there's a part of me that's resentful and angry that I'm not able to join him. Sitting and watching the game is not an option.

I guess I'm wondreing if it's normal to still feel resentful and angry after being sick for at least the past 11 years. Shouldn't I be accepting my limitations and just dealing with it?

I do know it can be so much worse and there are people out there much worse off than we are. I never forget that and I do feel very fortunate in a lot of ways.

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Let me preface by saying I have practiced Zen for more than a dozen years. As a serious student of loving compassion, I have worked very hard to cultivate an open heart. My meditation practice is strong and I have even authored dozens of guided meditations over the years.

And still when spring comes around and I see some young thing in a cute running suit I want to slap her upside the head!!

Resentful? Angry? You bet!!

What I have come to understand in my insight practice is that my thoughts and emotions don't mean anything. This body-mind with all of its experiences and years of conditioned behavior simply has a lot of anger and resentful responses. No getting away from it. For me they arise naturally in the moment. The problem occurs when they develop a 'sticky' quality and I become involved in the thoughts. Sounds like to me you are able to recognize these features of your mental habits and still let your husband go out and enjoy his game. THAT is transendance at its best.

For me Having It All means that I can allow all the negative crap, thoughts and emotions to arise and fall away just as I accept the wonderful feelings (short lived as they may seem at times) to also arise sponaniously and fall away. The Good, The Bad and the Agry and Resentful as it were.

But hey that's just me ;-) It could well be I'm just a miserable student of Zen! LOL

~EM

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I've been sick a long time and feel all the things you are talking about. Except I feel better when it gets warmer, because I can sit on my covered porch.

I don't think anyone who never gets upset about our lot in life would have a problem. I question God, get really cranky, jealous, you name it. I am thankful for the things I do have, but it's very hard to think about all the things I've lost.

I have many days where I'm ok with my life, but I also have many where I am certainly not. I think your feelings are valid and very normal. I would write a longer more sympathetic note, but sorry, a bad day. You are normal. morgan

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A few suggestions:

You could remind yourself that nobody is stopping you from going with your husband and sitting and watching, but only YOU know what you will feel like. So you made your choice.

You are wasting precious energy with your anger because, again, you are probably doing all that you are capable of, and because you do not want to feel sicker, you've made choices.

It is your CHOICE. You determine what you will try and what you think is worth risking a "setback" for.

Granted, you have not chosen this ailment, but who has? It is now your choice what you do with it and how you respond. Until you breathe your last breath, you still have choices to make about how to live, and love to give to people or animals that need it.

If you find yourself in an angry place most of the time, it may be wise to examine your "self-talk". If you say things to yourself like, "Why did this happen to me?" "I don't deserve this." "Why can't I be like anybody else?" you will bring yourself down in the dumps over the thing you have no control over. Will this self-talk change anything?

Focus on what you DO have control over, which is your reaction and how you are going to live your life.

I understand the anger, and, of course, people go through this when their life situation changes - someone dies, their job is taken away, their house burns down - but you must look forward or be doomed to live in the past. It's your choice.

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honestly, i get so torqued, i literally want to hurt someone ( i am not that kind of person and would never do such a thing) , but i do get that angry. i beleive this lies in all of us, some will admit to it, some will not. but , yes a beautiful day and i can't walk, oh i am definitely pissed. but the fact of the matter is that tomorrow is another day, and i may feel better, i may not. i tend to recluse myself when i am that angry so that my words don't hurt the ones i care the most about. and other than that, i can't do much. try to have a good attitude, but human nature always takes over, and noone is happy go lucky all the time.

don't take it to heart too much. we are all human.

wishing much better days for you.

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I think it's very normal. I don't think I've felt resentment or anger myself, because there was never a time I wasn't impaired in some manner - disabled is my "normal," and almost everyone I was close to, growing up, was disabled in one respect or another. Even when I didn't have dysautonomia (if there was a point I didn't have it), I struggled with anxiety and depression, some of which was likely secondary to what we're now thinking is an autism spectrum disorder, as well as with the primary effects of the latter on my ability to function. I was never able to function normally, and I would hazard that the psychological and neurodevelopmental issues I've dealt with are more crippling, so I was mostly able to accept the illness in stride. The baggage that came along with it - fighting doctors, trying to get accommodation, trying to convince people I'm not just lazy - is a different story; this is something I struggle with being very resentful or angry about, daily. You'd think I'd have made my peace by now with the fact that people will treat me like crap not despite, but because of the fact that I'm disabled, but no ;).

I don't think there's a "right" way to deal with illness, though. There are ways that serve you, and ways that don't. If you work through it, anger and resentment isn't necessarily a problem - and I don't think it's something anyone should feel guilty about. Regarding the disability hierarchy of "who has it worse," I just read something very insightful (and validating) on the topic, from this year's Blogging Against Disablism Day (you can find it on Google: "blogging against disabilism: disabilism within disability," by Elizabeth McClung, if you're interested).

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Hi,

Those feelings are a normal part of being human. It's hard to see people making plans and enjoying their lives when we are living in a daily nightmare. The weather has gotten nicer here lately, and I feel sad to see people out taking walks and taking trips to the park, baseball game, etc. I am 27, and it's very painful for me to see my friends get married and have children - even though I am incredibly happy for them - just because I know that I will likely never have these things and I had looked forward to them (especially being a mom) my whole life. However, that being said... we are the blessed ones if you look at it another way. Those of us with this awful condition know how precious it is to be able to do simple things. We recognize the things in life that most people take for granted. Of course we would rather be normal and healthy, but because of our condition we need to be extra thankful for everything that we do have.

~ Broken_Shell ;)

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Acceptance is not a one time thing. The term "acceptance" is often used as a sound byte to describe a step in some kind of program or process. We have to "accept" over and over on a regular basis. I've been sick for a long time, too, but I'm constantly having to go through this process again. You know that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different result? Well, I'm often guilty of that kind of insanity. Somewhere in my mind, I often think "I'm just going to try to do this one more time" and I can really, really think that that time will be different. Ofcourse, it never is. And yup. I'm disappointed all over again.

I think this is NORMAL. In fact, I think those "step programs" and such do us a disservice. We are made to feel guilty because occasionally we do get angry or resentful. We're supposed to have achieved that much talked about acceptance. Well, when you're angry again, all over, for the 45th time, you are left feeling that you are a failure at this "acceptance" thing, too. You're not. It's not a one time thing....its something we just have to work towards all the time. And while doing so, we really, really must be gentle with ourselves and offer ourselves the kind of compassion we frequently extend to others.

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I was mostly able to accept the illness in stride. The baggage that came along with it - fighting doctors, trying to get accommodation, trying to convince people I'm not just lazy - is a different story

This is the part I struggle most with too. I have lived my life being hard working, consciensious, and honest. It has made me feel angry at times to be doubted, and belittled by doctors. It has made me feel angry at times that in addition to being disabled by this illness, I have been asked over and over again to prove it. I do try to deal with the angry feelings and move on. It's just too hard to stay there for long, but I do think we need to acknowlege those feelings.

I don't ever look at people walking or jogging by and feel angry, though, because I believe we all have our stuff to deal with, and many of them perhaps do not have some of the great things in their lives that I do. They may be suffering in a different way.

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I hope you won't discount me as I am a relitive newcomer here but I have been disabled since 2001 after a severe bout with Guillain Barre. I really worked through a lot BUT when I watch my kids/boyfriend do things I can't it still frustrates me.

I never thought I would ever EVER have to deal with being sick again. Talk about pissed....very pissed. I have a masters in Psycology and I think...know it is just so normal to be angry. I like what EM said....I just need to feel it express it and then wait to get another emotion!!! I also think it is very impo to expres it!!

I have noticed that I am more angry when I feel physically very badly. Pain and sickness weakness...well they seem to make me even more pissed!!

You sound like you are grateful for the good things you have and at times angry for the crappy hand you have in this illness. This sounds like you arre grounded in reality to me!!! Thanks so much for expresing this with us..;)

Erika

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Oh yes, I get angry often. It is one of the things that has kept me alive. No emotion is "bad." Anger can be very useful at times. I got so angry at my former doc that I went out and got a new one! And a diagnosis to boot. When I have absolutely nothing left to fuel my spirit, anger is the one last thing that sparks me enough to keep going. You are not alone. Use it constructively, not destructively. I hate feeling this way. I resent healthy people who stand around and talk like it is no big deal. I hate doctors who tell me it is in my head, or deconditioning. Like the cycle of the illness, acceptance comes in waves. Relish the inner fire and draw strength from the fact that you are angry. It means you have not given up...your spark has not gone out.

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I think feeling angry is a very normal response! We lose so much because of this illness, and I go through a grieving process every time I lose something else. First I lost my ability to live pain-free, next I lost my job and friends, now we're dealing with the fact I'm not eligible to adopt because of my illness. It's easy to feel like "it's just not fair."

I also remember when my mom came out of remission for cancer a few years ago and the grief I felt. I cried myself to sleep for months until I realized that my mom wouldn't want me to spend my time regretting what we will lost, but she'd want me to live my life to the fullest.

I feel sadness, loss, and anger to some degree most days. Sometimes I let myself be mad, but other times I think of my mom and try to be a blessing to someone in some way. That's how I get through it. I feel it, and I use those emotions to push me to try to do something to make someone else, or myself, better.

And yes, the anger means you haven't given up yet!

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Absolutely. We all are suferring from a loss of dreams.........for our lives, careers, children. I would worry if anger wasn't. I think in many ways we are spending our lives in constant negotiations with ourselves first......Docs etc.... and others. The important thing is to have a method of releasing the anger, depression, loss. Like EM Zen , prayer, meditating. And it is OK to be Pi__ed. I got nothin. M

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Guest tearose

Oh, this happens to me too.

I too have prayerful/meditative/zen times and all I am is connected with the divine and I feel love and compassion and hope and I accept my limitations.

And

I too have horrible/soulfelt/saddness times when to release my depth of pain I will scream as loud as possible into a thick soft pillow.

I am spiritual and hopeful but I am also human and dysautonomic.

tearose

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EVen when I am well, I feel angry about the years that I truly LOST to this condition. I commonly refer to my early 20s as my "lost years" because I feel I got nothing from them but very damaging experiences.

Whoever it was who said, I had to prove over and over again how sick I was,- YES I am with you on that. Now I spend my time trying SO hard to pretend to be normal. People have no idea...

I get mad at other people at work- who have no idea what it's like to not be able to get up in the morning knowing you can work that day.

It's just horrible. I can't see a way out of it, which just fuels my depressive state.

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As a person who has pots I can relate to all those who have responded. My comment on this topic is; my emotions are one of envy and jealous of those that have the freedom to continue on in life without the difficulities we face daily. Are envy and jealous feelings the same as angry and resentment I don't know the answer to that question? As I thought about this topic I began to realize that most to all people have these same feelings only in different areas. For example; some people are heavy and get angry at those who are thin, those who feel they are plain looking envy those who are beautiful, those who are poor are jealous of those who have wealth. Do you get where I'm going with this? We are not the only ones having to deal with these feelings, I believe most do. In light of this as a group of people with a rare disorder we are not the only ones out there with troubles, most others have their own disorders to deal with whatever it be. My hope is that this group will rally around not only each other, but all those who are facing difficulties. May we spread hope, compassion, understanding, and a listening ear to all those who need a friend.

Maggie

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Ditto and amen to what tearose said.

We ALL have our un momento, por favor times to deal with grief in steps, too, or on the roller coaster of emotions! :)

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As a person who has pots I can relate to all those who have responded. My comment on this topic is; my emotions are one of envy and jealous of those that have the freedom to continue on in life without the difficulities we face daily. Are envy and jealous feelings the same as angry and resentment I don't know the answer to that question? As I thought about this topic I began to realize that most to all people have these same feelings only in different areas. For example; some people are heavy and get angry at those who are thin, those who feel they are plain looking envy those who are beautiful, those who are poor are jealous of those who have wealth. Do you get where I'm going with this? We are not the only ones having to deal with these feelings, I believe most do. In light of this as a group of people with a rare disorder we are not the only ones out there with troubles, most others have their own disorders to deal with whatever it be. My hope is that this group will rally around not only each other, but all those who are facing difficulties. May we spread hope, compassion, understanding, and a listening ear to all those who need a friend.

Maggie

Amen, Sister.

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That's beautiful wish and well-said, Maggie. Adversity is an opportunity--to either close our hearts, or open them further. I've seen it happen both ways with people who have faced enormous loss and pain. It's a struggle and I know in my case some days my heart is open and others not. but I know I am happier, much happier, when my heart is open to the challenges of others and to what I can do to make the planet a better place to be.

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I think there is something natural about that. At the very least, it seems common. Did you ever see "As Good as it Gets"? It's a movie, kinda old now, about an OCD patient, a gay artist, and a single mom, all living in New York and forming an unlikely threesome of friends. Each character is coping with major disruption in their life. The single mom has a line about her loneliness, and how she found herself "giving this cute couple in the park dirty looks". I guess that's along the lines of what you're talking about.

When I was a kid, our GS troop prepared to visit a terminal children's clinic. They cancelled on us, stating that it depressed the children to see healthy kids.

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Food for Thought:

Picture This:

A perfectly healthy human being

Who has plenty of money

Who is good-looking

Who is talented

Who is idolized

Some of the above people deliberately put something into their bodies to make themselves malfunction, stuff like drugs and alcohol. That's a human for you?!

What's my point? You sometimes fall into a trap of "if only I had this" "if only I had that" I would be happy. Remember, there are people out there who have it all and are still miserable.

You're chasing a dream if you think "something" is going to make you happy. You need to learn to be happy in whatever situation you are in, because the "things" you are chasing are fantasies. Stay in reality. It's the best place to be.

Another thought to help to stay reality based: If you could see inside your body to see what all the anger, resentment and jealousy are DOING to your body: the negative impact, the deterioration of your immune system, the inflammation.....

You might think twice before falling into the "poor me" syndrome. Unless your goal is to make yourself sicker. And I certainly hope that is not your goal.

Okay, off my soapbox.

Momtoguiliana, I agree with your wonderful comments.

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As I thought about this topic I began to realize that most to all people have these same feelings only in different areas. For example; some people are heavy and get angry at those who are thin, those who feel they are plain looking envy those who are beautiful, those who are poor are jealous of those who have wealth. Do you get where I'm going with this? We are not the only ones having to deal with these feelings, I believe most do. In light of this as a group of people with a rare disorder we are not the only ones out there with troubles, most others have their own disorders to deal with whatever it be. My hope is that this group will rally around not only each other, but all those who are facing difficulties. May we spread hope, compassion, understanding, and a listening ear to all those who need a friend.

Maggie

I agree. I think too as people with an "invisible" disability we understand better than most that we can not always tell to look at people exactly what they go through in their lives, and what suffering they may endure.

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whenever i get sad or angry about my health problems, i tell myself that i experience all of this for some reason. I believe that the universe doesnt make any mistakes. Even though this condition puts so many limitations in my life, i still learn a lot with it. Life is about collecting experiences and trying to be the best person one can be. I try to count the blessings in every situation and if you look and search long enough, you always find one.

When i was out last, sitting on a bench watching all the people running and walking by. Watching my partner running around with my daughter and playing with her i wished i could join them and i felt all kinds of emotions, but then i looked around me, there was a little flower growing next to were i was sitting, i saw a bird searching for something to eat and i noticed that the temperature was just perfect for me, not to cold and not to hot, so i knew i could sit there for a little while without my Symptoms acting up due to heat or cold. I enjoyed it so very much, i felt so happy, content, thankfull and

very proud of myself, because i knew that most of the other healthy people that walked by me, didnt notice any of these things. Many of them take their life for granted and often get mad and frustrated about little things. This POTS thing really showed me, whats really important in life and therefore POTS was and is a great teacher for me. I am so much more aware of things now and appreciate them more. And that makes me a lucky and thankfull person after all

carinara

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