All I Want To Do Is Sleep

[lorrie]

It's been a little while since I've been on here because I have found myself in a deep depression. I am feeling at my rope's end and just needed to here with people who understand.

As some of you may remember, I work as a teacher at an elementary school. I love my job and have truly tried to do everything I can to keep at it. However, since we returned from summer break I am having a very hard time at work. I feel so exhausted all the time and am having many passing out spells and arm pain. My headaches are getting more frequent and more severe. I feel dizzy all the time and nauseated...I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

I know some of this is from depression, but not all of it. I am sick and tired of feeling bad and I am tired of having to struggle to remember things and keep information straight. I am forgetting things all the time and that is so unlike me.

I am also dropping things and have such pain in my arms that I can hardly stand it. My hands are numb within a few minutes of trying to grade papers and I have pain up to my elbows the entire night. It is miserable.

I would honestly consider quitting if I didn't need the insurance so badly. I have missed too many days already and my principal isn't understanding at all. The other day I passed out and hit head first into a block wall in the hallway and all she said was "hurry and get her moved so the children don't see it."

I passed out in the shower the other morning while trying to get ready for work and came to several minutes later nearly drowning...I was basically alone because my husband was gone to work already and my daughter was asleep...when I finally got enough strength to pull myself from the tub and regained enough brain power to call in, she said "I can't believe you are calling in sick AGAIN". She has many of my co-workers doubting that I have a real problem too...very frustrating when those who you have always worked so closely with start thinking you are nuts.

Okay...sorry for the depressing post. Just really needed to get it off my chest. I feel like I have some important and impossible decisions to make. If only it were easier to get disability for those of us who struggle every day just to function...

[mrsdavidson8605]

Hi,

please know you are NOT alone!!! I totally understand what you are going through. I was in the same boat about a year and a half ago with work. I was working at a mental health facility (of all places!!) my boss really got people believing I was just an emotional, crazy person who didn't have any physical problems. It really hurt. I did end up having to quit and haven't been able to work since. Wow that's depressing! sorry. I just know there are others who have been able to re gain their life back and that keeps me going. Although, I am kinda goin through the same types of feelings you are right now. This disease is SO Frustrating.. I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you make. Just remember, if you are that sick and you continue going and going you won't have time for yourself to get better. Does your husband have health insurance? Maybe you could find some insurance that you could pay for privately (i know it's expensive). Take care and DONT give up!!!!!

[MelissaCrystal]

=(

You're on a lot of meds, maybe you should go in to get them adjusted to either give you a boost in mood or stamina? I hope you are seeing an actual specialist, because a lot of people struggle more than they have to just because they're not seeing the right doctor. I'm so sorry you're so down. I hope we can all get through this and enjoy life as much as possible =(

[dawn]

Hi,

I worked as a school nurse. Have you checked into your long term disability insurance? Mine paid my health insurance premium.

I tried working half time and received long term disability for the other half of my day. They paid my health insurance premium then, also.

It was so hard to give up a job that I loved so much. When I worked half days, I worked in the afternoon.

Now, I receive social security disability.

While I was working, I always showered at night and had my clothes ready for the morning. I got up 2 hours before I had leave for work.

My beta blocker and anti anxiety meds were working by then.

I always start the day with 2 cups of coffee, followed by a 32 ounce bottle of gatorade.

I feel for you. Working with children gives us so much joy and their energy is contagious. I miss it so.

Best Wishes

Dawn

[firewatcher]

Please know that you are never alone as long as we are all here!!!!!!!! I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no solutions, only words of support and attempts at comfort. Do what you can, that is all you can do. This is a maddening, frustrating, impossible situation, but you WILL make it through! I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. If you need to vent, vent!

((((((((((({{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}})))))))))))))))

[lorrie]

Thanks to all of you for the words of encouragement. I am trying to plug along and not make waves at work, but I am not sure how much longer I can keep going.

Yes, I go to a specialist...a POTS doctor with lots of experience. We have changed, added, taken away medications and finally found a combination that does as much good as possible. The most recent medication he tried me on was Lyrica and I could not take it at all. I passed out 5 times the first week I started it. I have since stopped it and feel like I have been run over by a train. It takes longer to bounce back than it used to.

Seems like other than you all on this site and my family and a few friends that everyone else has written me off as a total nut case...thanks for allowing me a place to talk it out.

[Csmith3]

There is struggling through work during a bad patch, and there is long term struggling without an end in sight. I sense you are heading for, or already in, the latter category and I feel for you because I've been there and it's miserable. I'm sure you will have already weighed up the alternatives in terms of working hours and career change and perhaps there is an answer there whilst you are in poor health. It doesn't have to be a permanent solution. I see there is an issue with health insurance - I'm afraid I don't understand how all the US health insurances and sick pay are linked, but I appreciate this would be a big concern. For what it's worth, here are a few other things I have considered and have brought me some comfort:

I need to work X more years to get enough money to secure my future and then I can downsize my job. X isn't a very big number, and I can cope with the thought that there is an end in sight in the not too distant future. It may be that when I get there I can manage in my current job for a bit longer which would buy me a better lifestyle in the future.

Contract work, so I would work full time for, say, 2 years and then take a year off so at least one out of the three years is available for things other than work.

Re-evaluating my spending - if earning the money is making me so ill, what is so important that I need to be earning this money? I cut back on luxuries and saved money.

In the end, an unexpected (but very welcome) improvement to my health plus some modifications to my job got me out of the worst of it, but the situation remains precarious and I am pleased I evaluated the alternatives because they give me comfort that there is a way out if I need to take it.

Best wishes.

[ramakentesh]

'she said "I can't believe you are calling in sick AGAIN". She has many of my co-workers doubting that I have a real problem too...very frustrating when those who you have always worked so closely with start thinking you are nuts.'

Try what I did today - passed out at a meeting in work in front of all my collegues. Very embarrassing. I think some thought i was drunk or something...

The rough patches are impossible work wise. You sound like your pretty bad. ive only passed out a few times the whole time Ive had POTS and even then i find pots almost unbearable in terms of the fatigue and particularly the dizziness and spacyness at work. So im feeling for ya and you sound like your one tough cookie.

[masumeh]

It's really horrible to feel invalidated like that...your principal sounds totally unsympathetic. Teaching jobs are difficult. They are draining, you catch everything from the kids, and people expect you to perform robotic consistency. There isn't a lot of room for YOU, what you need...like a break! But, you know, that's because it's all about the kids. They need so much from you...your school administrators have got to provide you the support you need to give back to your students. Does that make sense? Too many "you"s in that sentence. You get me though.

I think you might look for a more low-energy job. But don't give up if this is what you love doing. Rough patches do pass, eventually.